1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Unsure of how to handle my mother.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mamikourtney, Nov 24, 2015.

  1. mamikourtney

    mamikourtney Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charlottesville, VA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I recently completely uprooted my life and moved from Louisiana to Virginia to help care for my mother because she is battling cancer. I'm a lesbian - only dated a man once because my family pushed me into it. That guy left me when I was four months pregnant with my daughter. I wasn't really upset about the relationship failing, I was just initially worried about raising a child on my own. But like many women do, I dusted myself off and embraced the role of being a single mother and have never looked back.

    I haven't dated in awhile. I'm 23, and I took a year and a half off from dating to learn about myself and to discover what I wanted out of life and a relationship. I'm ready to get into the dating scene again but my mom is giving me a hard time about it. She keeps saying that I'm going to "damage" my daughter by dating other women. Yet, I remember being a child through the ages of three and seven where she was in a relationship with a woman. She denies it now, even though I remember them kissing and hugging in front of me, sharing a room and a bed, and calling each other cute pet names.

    My point is if I didn't grow up as a damaged child, why should she assume that my daughter will? I don't like to debate things with her too often because chemotherapy wears her out and I'm her only shoulder to lean on. But I'm really having a hard time dealing with some of the things she has to say, such as: my daughter is going to be damaged, my lifestyle is immoral, and that I'm just going through a phase.

    How would you suggest approaching the subject of telling her how I feel without seeming confrontational. Anyone have any suggestions?
     
    #1 mamikourtney, Nov 24, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2015
  2. idsm

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2014
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    171
    Location:
    .
    Hey Kourtney, welcome to EC!

    I understand that you are in a very difficult situation. Having not so supportive parents alone is tough, but not being able to confront them because of their situation... well that´s beyond tough..

    I don´t have a real advice for you, other than just ignoring her. Live your life the way you want and just don´t care about what she thinks or what she says. Perhaps your mother is not against same sex relationships and just is bitter because of her own story that didn´t go well. Who knows? People carry their baggage and we usually know nothing about it.. But remember that you don´t have to live with her insecurities.

    edit: it just crossed my mind. Is there any possibility that your mother considers her disease some kind of punishment by God? Because of her homosexual past? And she doesn´t want that for you? Hence the effort to discourage you from such a lifestyle? I don´t know, just an idea. People are very complicated creatures..
     
    #2 idsm, Nov 24, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2015
  3. mamikourtney

    mamikourtney Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charlottesville, VA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I honestly never thought about that before. Whether that may be true or not, it's nice to be able to view things from a different perspective.
     
  4. Sek

    Sek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    372
    Likes Received:
    2
    Hi mamikourtney,

    I would agree with a previous poster who said that there might be some protective element to what she has said. Sometimes for a parent, stopping their children from doing something potentially harmful, even if the child may enjoy doing it, is the priority. No doubt you will encounter this many times as you raise your own little one.

    Your mother's homosexual relations may have been a negative experience for her and if so it seems reasonable she would try to protect you and your daughter from it, especially given the still homophobic society we live in.

    Irregardless, given your mother's condition it would probably be ideal for you two to iron this out. I would really recommend trying to have a deeper conversation where you both bear what you feel (avoiding arguments of course) and try to understand each other. Being exposed to homosexuality from a young age doesn't inherently damage you, and if you can convince her of this fact I'm sure you can move forward.
     
    #4 Sek, Nov 24, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2015