getting women´s attention in an assertive way

1. Possibly, but you'd confuse both the women or men you're going for. Sexuality doesn't need a label.

2. I'm not really sure why you'd want to be more assertive in this situation, as being over-assertive would turn off most women, in my opinion. The best way to gain attention from the same sex is just to befriend them gradually. It's exactly as you say: you show off your desperation so much that they step back. Take it slow there.
"I know I should not contact them"
This line is sort of confusing. Are you contacting them a lot, one-sidedly? If so, that's probably a bit creepy for the women you're going after.

 

You may be heterosexual homoromantic. I know labels can be stupid, but I prefer them sometimes.

Or, you may be attracted to women and not know it. You could very well be attracted to the male dynamic (I know I am), and still like women. I'm not completely sure about this. I'm mostly just giving possible reasons to help you figure it out.

For a woman to get my attention, I like for them to tell me I'm cute and sweet, compliment what I'm wearing and how I look, be very friendly to me, and to be interested in things I like.

 

OK, so I think that there are several things at work here and before I begin please be aware that I am not a professional therapist, and it seems to me like there may be some things here that you might benefit from talking to a therapist about.

Also, before I begin, I want to share with you that I have felt and sometimes still feel like I need another person's attention as well. I can feel anxious about not getting a response from someone, especially if it's someone I like a lot. But then, if I have the thought that I'm being clingy, or needy, or desperate or fear that this person I'm reaching out to might think those things about me, then I become even more anxious and that just reinforces the whole feeling of desperation. So I just want you to know that you're not alone in this. I know what it's like. I've learned a way to deal with it that may or may not work for you, but I would like to share it with you here.

Let's take the first thing first and leave aside the gender stuff for a moment, the one thing that you absolutely have to realize two things if you're going to work on this:

You are the only person who can truly help you.

You are only in control of yourself, and you are the only person in control of yourself.


So, the second step would be to ask yourself: How can I help myself?

Well, you have done a good thing about it by coming here and making yourself vulnerable by asking for advice in your situation. I just want to acknowledge the courage it takes to do that and would encourage you to try to acknowledge that as well.

Here's what works for me:

I find a place where I can be alone, I sit down on the bed or sofa or in a comfortable chair or on the floor or wherever.

I turn off my phone or any other kind of potential source of disturbance.

And then I ask myself some questions.

How am I feeling?

Maybe I'm feeling a sense of emptiness, loneliness, disconnection, maybe I feel like I'm being ignored, maybe I feel insecure or anxious.

Can I acknowledge and allow myself to have that feeling?

Yes, in most cases I can. And then I just let myself have the feelings that I have. I let them wash over me.

You see, your feelings are not dangerous to you. They are there to help you and in most cases when where afraid to be alone, I've found that's when we need to be alone the most—but we need to be there for ourselves.

Next questions: Why do I seek the attention of this individual? Do I feel like they will help me feel better? Does it tend to last when they make me feel better? What is this really about? Do I not feel like I am worthy of someone's love and attention? Do I struggle with feelings of unworthiness? Do I miss sensing a connection with someone? etc. etc.

Try to explore your feelings and simply notice that they are there. Let them be there. When we hurt, it's because we have a wound that needs care and attention—these wounds can be psychological and emotional as well as physical. If you're hurting, allow yourself to have painful feelings. Feel them. Don't run from them. Don't suppress them. They will only resurface stronger later. Instead, explore them. Explore them with courage and compassion for yourself. Try to act towards yourself as you would wish for these other people to act.

And then, on the flipside, ask yourself: What could these people do for me that would make me feel worthy/loved/seen?

Perhaps you'd love it if someone bought you a gift or flowers unexpectedly, or made you your favorite meal, or asked you to go for a walk with them.

Then, instead of asking them to do those things for you, do those things for yourself. If you feel shame at the thought of doing those things for yourself, try to allow for that shame feeling to be there as well, and then do it anyway. Be courageous in the face of shame, because it is often just a reflection of insecurities expressed by others and imposed upon us that we have somehow internalized.

All the best,

PG

 

I know. The material things were simply meant as examples of what may make a person feel loved. In any case, because it is about your feelings, that's why you need to start with you. I think none of what you're going through is actually about them. It's about you. The change you need, I think will come from within your own self, or it won't come at all.