Boyfriend is trans, doesn't want HRT

Hi all,

(I'm using male pronouns because he said I could and because that's what it's been for 6 years.)

My boyfriend of 6 years has always been very feminine, and has gone through depression and dysphoria. I figured he was non binary, but very recently it has been made apparent to me that he is a trans woman. Our sex life is usually dead, but lately has exploded because I've been making comments about his androgyny, and putting him in my dresses, and saying we'll go out with him passing and look like a lesbian couple. We've been talking about him eating lots of soy to feminize his lower body, which he wants. Like I said, I've always thought he was non binary, but his responses in the bedroom and his answers to my questions about his gender identity have made it clear that he is trans. I asked if he would miss his body or regret it if he became so feminine he could no longer pass as a man, and he said he wouldn't regret it at all, and he had the most sincere, blissful, rare smile on his face thinking about it. It's become so obvious that he is trans.

However, he doesn't want to transition, even though he hates his body and wants to be female. When I asked why, he said because it was too much commitment. But he seems miserable as a guy, and has really bad dysphoria that has affected him negatively his whole life. My heart is breaking and I am physically sick with worry because I want his happiness so badly, sick that I didn't realize it sooner even though there were so many signs, sick because he's been so sad his whole life, sick because I want his happiness and yet he is turning HRT down due to anxiety, not due to his own feelings and needs. And, I am also worried that, at any day in the future, he could decide to transition, and then we would need money and everything would change and I'm worried we both would have a hard time adjusting. And it would be so much easier if I KNEW he was going to transition, because then I could prepare myself mentally and get used to the idea. But right now, it's a double-whammy of "My love is miserable, has been his whole life, and yet isn't doing anything about it and will continue to be miserable," plus "I don't know if he'll transition, I don't know when he'll transition, and if he does absolutely everything will change and nothing will be certain and a million things could go wrong." What if it turns out that I can no longer find him sexy? I've never been into women before. What if he no longer finds me sexy? What if it puts such a huge strain on the relationship that we break up? Then I would lose the most important person in my entire life. But if he doesn't go through with it, the most important person in my entire life will always be miserable.

I'm just so torn and so sad and fearful. I wish he would do it, because I want him to be happy so badly and it breaks my heart to see him hating his physiological gender and presentation every single moment of the day, and at least then I would know what to plan for.

 

Thank you so much for the reply and for your kindness, it has really helped.

I would do and support absolutely anything they wanted. They've been truthfully the best part of my life, and I can't imagine life without them. They've been my best friend and my love and my support, and now I just keep thinking back over everything that's happened the last 6 years, everything I know about them, and the gender dysphoria is now so obvious that it's truly painful to realize they have been in so much pain and getting no help or support. I was supposed to support them, but I was too blind. I wish I had figured it out sooner. I could have helped them come to terms with it, showed them I still loved them. Then maybe they could have felt more comfortable and transitioned, we could have planned things differently, and they would be happy right now.

My partner hasn't been expressing themselves femininely for most of the 6 years, but now that I know, I want to help ease that dysphoria, whether they want to transition or not. I'm hoping that it would help if I encourage wearing women's clothes. They are very shy about their body and hesitant to break out of the normal gender role, but I think if I support them enough, be patient, and not push them, maybe they could at least start feeling comfortable being a woman at home. I just want their happiness, I want whatever's best for them.

Thank you so much for your kind words and hugs.