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Mixed signals from my possibly closeted friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by someoneus86, Nov 26, 2015.

  1. someoneus86

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    So I believe my male friend is possibly closeted and either was/is interested in me as he gives quite a few mixed signals.

    Since I realize my story is pretty long after typing it, here's a majorly condensed version first and I have some questions at the bottom of the post :slight_smile:

    • Friend says he's slept with a ton of women but has not been with any since I've met him
    • The girls that I have seen him pursue either he had no chance with them as they were unavailable or he found something wrong with them
    • Is always playing with himself/possibly masturbating whenever we are chilling on his bed or in one case in his living room together.
    • Always makes it a point to change in front of me after getting out of the shower
    • Possibly masturbates next to me when we are sharing the same bed
    • He has gotten an erection when he was spooning me
    • He avoided me for months when things seemed to have been getting closer
    • All of a sudden no longer wants to stay over
    • Finally hung out after months and he ended up staring at me and into my eyes at one point when we were on my bed
    • He seemed to have gotten aroused when I myself was adjusting myself



    A lot of it is just stuff I feel I need to "say" out loud to get it off of my mind as it's been driving me crazy the past few months.

    Backstory:
    2 years ago
    I was 27 and he was 21.
    - I met this new friend at college through another friend whom apparently this 'new' friend came behind my other friend and licked his ear. My other friend said he was too weird to be friends with and refused to be his friend. I found out later that I knew this new guys mother at work and when I said I met him she mentioned he didn't have any friends. So I decided to befriend him because I also didn't have many friends and I felt bad. At first he was reluctant and later told me he thought I was just going to spy on him for his mom.


    At this point in my life, I figured I was straight with some curiosity, so I didn't expect or want anything but friendship from this guy.

    Here's a list of things that has happened since day one that might build a better picture:

    • Somehow the first week we met we ended up talking about him being circumcised and I got the hint that he was generally trying to ask me if I was. No other friend has asked me that ever and since I was a curious person myself I answered without hesitation and he seemed to become happier and had a lengthy conversation on what the differences must be like.

    • First time I went to his house to hang out, his parents seemed to act like the excited type of parents when kids go to prom. I figured they were excited he had a friend.

    • After they left we started talking to learn more about each other like how many girls we dated and slept with. I honestly told him I only dated 3 girls and slept with 2. He said he dated too many to count and slept with more than he dated... Trying too hard?

    • He then told me that he tells girls that he has a small penis. I figured curiosity again and said I think I'm average, but there's nothing wrong with different sizes. TO which he replied, nahhhhh, it's really big, it's 8 3/4".... I'm thinking he probably wants me to say prove it or he wants to compare, but since I was not sure about my own sexuality at the time, this was more than I was ready to deal with and I let the conversation end there.

    • While watching tv on his bed the same night, he gets out of bed and turns the light off and then tells me don't look, I'm changing for bed. I'm like, but you already have your pajamas on. He responds, ya, but I don't like to wear underwear to bed. Then he took his pants off. I looked the other way when he went to pull his underwear down out of respect since he asked and I was unsure of what was happening, why not use the bathroom to change?

    • When he got under the covers, I noticed that he was seemingly playing with himself or masturbating and that he was acting like he had his eyes closed when he was really peeking at me at various points between watching tv and closing his eyes.

    • Finally he asked if I was staying over since it was getting late. I think the whole situation was giving me anxiety as I was nervous being at someone's house to begin with and all of the things he was doing didn't help. So I told him in honesty that I was not really feeling that great and was going to drive home. He kept trying to get me to stay over saying they had medicine to help. Finally he asked if it was him and my heart broke because he looked so sad. So I told him that I was his friend no matter what and that I had fun, but I just wasn't feeling great. I told him a personal story on my own experiences with bad friends and why friendship really matters to me and that convinced him I was real. I then gave him the biggest and longest hug and we developed a great friendship since then.



      All the below happened from last year to present
    • Another time at his house, I was in his kitchen waiting for him to get out of the shower and he comes downstairs in nothing but a towel and proceeded to change in front of me under the towel. This confused me as I don't know why he didn't just change in his room.

    • One time I told him that a guy friend of mine that I had recently started talking to again had asked me to come visit him and that he wanted to experiment and give me a BJ which was a true story even though I didn't do it. He didn't seem grossed out at all, but he seemed nervous and quickly said that I shouldn't do it. That he wouldn't do it. Then he said that he wouldn't let me give him a BJ even though I didn't even ask.

    • Then another time he invited me over, but then said it depended on whether or not a girl was going to come over because his parents were out. I told him that I wasn't someone that wanted to be someone's backup plans as that has happened to me in the past and it just doesn't work for me. He ended up calling me and said that I was invited no matter if she came over or not. So I said what the hell and went over.


      At this point in my life, I realized that I was most likely bisexual rather than straight/curious
    • On my way there we were talking on the phone and he said she was most likely not going to come over since he doesn't have any luck with women. I jokingly said well, why don't you just switch sides and you and me can be together. He quickly responded no, to get that idea out of my head because he likes vagina too much. I was like, haha alright, I was just saying haha.

    • She didn't come over since he didn't ask her directly, he told someone to give her his number and to text him... But the first thing he wanted was for us to drink a glass of whiskey to try. Then it was off to his bedroom where he casually changed in front of me which I was use to by now. However, this time he asked where my sleeping clothes were and said that I was staying over since it's so late and threw me a pair of shorts. This would be the first time that I stayed over his house.

    • I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine and changed in front of him in which I noticed that he was looking at me the whole time. Specifically at his somewhat tight shorts that he gave me since he's a pretty skinny guy. I figured oh well, he can look if he wants.

    • So I get into bed with him and he does his usual playing with himself under the covers routine while watching me out of the corner of his eye. This happens just about every time I come over so I'm use to it by now and give it no thought, especially after he told me that he's straight and likes vagina too much. I asked him if I can sleep in his room since he sleeps with me in my bed when he stays at my house. He said of course, he figured I would be sleeping with him even though he had guest bedrooms.

    • We start going to bed and I have a hard time staying asleep. I turned, he turned, etc. Finally I was almost falling off the bed so I scooted backwards towards the middle which I didn't have to move far as he was apparently spooned behind me. But this move caused me to move into him, specifically his crotch. At the same time, I felt him getting an erection against me. Then I'm guessing before he had a full erection, he turned to the other side.

    • I turn to lay on my back to see if I can see him and then I fall asleep. I woke up again and he has his head on my chest/shoulder cuddling up to me. He then turns over again. I go back to bed and wake up yet again with now his back up against me and I actually believe he was masturbating as the bed was shaking and he was breathing harder and such. I was even thinking about letting him know that I was awake, but I figured he would be freaked out. Then he turned so that he was on his back and we were touching side by side and I felt him toss his hand which was apparently aimed towards my crotch and he quickly pulled it back. I am not 100% sure if he was sleeping or awake or what his intentions were. I wasn't going to say or do anything if end up being wrong, especially after he told me he liked vagina too much...

    • I really couldn't sleep the rest of the night, but I would always feel the bed shaking and him moaning and breathing differently. I would turn over and it would stop, turn back and it would start. When he 'woke' up in the morning he called my name and I pretended to be asleep. If he was masturbating the whole night, I'm pretty sure he finished in the morning. Then he called me again and I "woke up." He looked like he was the happiest person ever.

    • He gave me a towel, told me I can shower downstairs. I went back to his room when I was done and laid on his bed. He came in again with just a towel and stood in front of me. He looked hesitant as if he wanted to get completely naked, but then he changed under his towel while throwing a little tiny glimpse of himself... lol. Then he was singing what he said was his favorite song and was the happiest I have ever seen him act. I then realized that I had just fallen for him.

    • That night I texted him and said that I had a fun time hanging out with him watching tv and that we should do it again. He responded that he had a great time too. Aaaand maybe it was the lack of sleep, but I told him that when I stayed over I felt something, that I felt loved and asked him if he felt the same. He never responded to that text for the rest of the night. I tried texting him the next morning and nothing. So I was like, what's your problem. Finally the next day he responded that I was making him uncomfortable with what I was asking and that he never wanted to feel uncomfortable towards me, so he didn't want to say something that I would take the wrong way. So I figured he was freaking out or was curious or idk. Either way I figured fine, we will just be friends.

    • Then a month later is the last time that he stays over my house. He worked late, but still came over as he promised he would. We changed for bed, both glancing at one another as we change. He's more exhausted due to work and only does a little bit of playing with himself lol. Start going to bed and 20 minutes later I wake up and I hear what sounds like him masturbating and the bed slightly shaking. I figure, hey, maybe he needs to do it to sleep so I don't say anything. I turn to go on my stomach and I felt him turn so that he's now facing me. Later on I turn to my back and sleep a bit. Then I wake up with his hand resting on my face. I'm now wondering if he's asleep or really has an attraction for me that he can't admit. That's all that happened besides waking up, him going to work for a few hours, then going to see a movie together.

    • However, since then he's been different. He stopped talking to me as much and we hardly hung out. He now refuses to stay over anymore. At first he said it was because it was too difficult with work. Then said it won't be for a few months.Then he said because he doesn't want to stay over anyone's house anymore. Then changed it to him liking his own bed. Then since I said fine, I guess you're never staying over again he responds that he didn't say never.

    • So my birthday comes up, he calls me and says happy bday and says he's sorry he couldn't come see me, but he has things to do or something. I asked if he's going to hang out for my bday and he says he has work. I ask when are we going to hang out again, then he says he's not sure as I don't ever want to hang out with people with him, that it's always just me and him. I told him that he never asked me to hang out with anyone, so he said he would ask me to the bar but I don't drink. I responded that I don't have to drink if I go to a bar... But he said he wasn't going to argue with me on my bday and that he would let me know about the bar.

    • Friday comes and he never invited me. I asked him no invite, and he said nahhhhhhhh, it's a crappy night, the bar is too crowded. Then told me he has to go as he's going into the bar. So naturally I got annoyed and texted him back that he changed for some reason and is now the biggest jerk to me. That apparently he doesn't want me as his best friend anymore.

    • Finally after getting tired of him saying he never has time to hang out with me, but yet he has time to always hang out with other friends, including going to the bar every Friday with them, I stepped back away from him and told him that he will have to start asking me to hang out when he has time because I was tired of asking all the time.

    • Three months later - which is where we are right now, I finally said to him that if he doesn't want to be friends than just say so. Days went by and he didn't say anything. Finally last week I told him I guess that's his answer then and that I would see him around. The next morning he texted me an angry text saying nothing changed and that he's just too stressed with work and that I need to understand that he's someone that doesn't need to talk to someone everyday. He can go weeks or months without "needing" to talk to someone. So I replied back that he's different now. This went back and forth until I finally said that we need to meet and talk.

    • He worked out that Monday would work best since he was off. I figured it's been a few months so I asked if he wanted to just stay over Sunday. But he said the same speech about not staying over with different reasons. I would admit I was pushy with it and I don't plan on pushing that subject anymore.

    • He came over Monday, and I figured I would just go with the flow and be how I was when we met. We ended up playing games and having fun and joking around. There were a few touchy/feeling moments with slapping each other and pushing each other. I could tell that he was having a great time and that he needed this as much as me. I asked if he missed this and he said absolutely. I asked if he missed me and he said of course, he was just so busy!

    • So at this point I'm laying on my bed and he's sort of sitting up. I noticed he was quiet so I look up at him and he's just staring at me and into my eyes. This went on for awhile. It was so different that I thought he was going to lean down and kiss me.

    • That didn't happen, but when we broke the eye contact after a minute, we started watching tv. He was a little quieter and every so often I would catch him glancing at me. I kind of had to adjust myself a few times and I noticed that the entire time he had his hands in his crotch and was also changing into more comfortable positions.

    • An hour later he had to leave, which he seemed down about. I walked him to the door and he went to shake my hand at the same time that I opened my arms for that goodbye hug that we use to do. This time he gave me a big hug and when I said I was going to start texting him again he told me to just not blow up his phone. We have been casually texting each other since then.

    So while I'm grateful to have my friend back and things seem to getting better again and that I will make sure that I'm not pushy anymore and just try to be the person that I was, I do have to wonder what happened? Denial? Scared? Freaked out? Me being wrong?

    I'm curious if anyone might have any helpful opinions or thoughts?

    Most importantly, does anyone believe from what I described that there might be a chance with him in the future or am I possibly looking at things from the wrong perspective?

    Thank you!
     
  2. ConfusedguyZZ

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    Oh god that would be a great love story for a movie. Well it might be a chance that he likes you but dont push it, just try to give him more signals and see how he would react.... I would go for it..
     
  3. confusedbubble

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    Take things slow he sounds like he's having a hard time admitting his feelings for you and his sexuality he may of needed that break to get his head round it don't push the sleeping over and if you are asked to stay over at his house you could even say that you'd be OK in the spare room to see what he says.
     
  4. AlmostBlue

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    If your descriptions are accurate (I'm not sure how to interpret the masturbating part because it's really odd...!), then he definitely sounds like he has feelings for you, but is really conflicted about his sexuality. It's good to give him some time and space. In a case like this, your taking the distance may help him acknowledge his feelings for you faster. I'd not get my hopes up too much though, as there are many deeply confused men out there who can never come to terms with their sexuality. Keep your options open and try to meet other people in the meanwhile.
     
  5. someoneus86

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    After I finished writing everything down and re-read it, I thought the same thing. :slight_smile:

    I mean there are signs that he could be straight too even though I have never had a straight friend do any of the things that he has done.

    He is on a ton of dating sites and ****** and from what I remember talks to a ton of women. I have physically seen him become obsessed and made it his job to pursue a few women. He's always told me that he needs to hook up and have sex with women every other month or few months or so and then he's fine. Whether he does or not, I'm not sure.

    Although..... There was one girl that he pursued for a few weeks that he brought back to his house and said he couldn't have sex with her and only used a dildo on her because he didn't have condoms. He told someone else that he saw her true colors and didn't want to get involved and just used a dildo on her. :shrug:

    Now that I think about it, he hasn't mentioned going out with any girl after he tried to hook up with this girl.

    He has also told me that he's in love with a girl from his childhood that he has been saying he's going to marry to his parents since he was small even though she is currently dating someone. He said she recently invited him to move in with her and her boyfriend in another state when she gets back from being deployed and supposedly he's thinking about it.

    That's all I have to go by in regards to signs though which I know may not say much at all.



    Since it has technically been a 3 month break and with the chance that I might have scared him that I was going to walk away from our friendship, I've noticed that he has been talking to me like before the break and he isn't ignoring me like he once was. I've also kept my promise of not exploding his phone trying to get him to talk.

    I do have to take that as a positive sign since if he truly wanted to avoid me, he could've let us gone our separate ways.


    Some food for thought...
    I've known his mother for a few years now and I met the rest of his family including his step-father when I met my friend 2 years ago. There is no doubt that they all absolutely care for my friend and I have never heard them talk negatively at all about gay people. I also learned that my friend has a half-brother that is gay and very feminine and my friend hates him with a passion. I was only told the half-brother bad-mouthed his half-sister.



    I appreciate the responses so far!


    I'm definitely going to stop pushing about staying over and asking why he doesn't want to.

    I will also see what he says about asking if he wants me to stay in a guest room if he invites me to stay over again. If his parents are there, he might even suggest that to begin with.


    Besides taking it slow, is there anything else that I could be doing or saying to show that I'm interested? I'm not sure how often we are going to be able to see each other besides maybe once a week if that if he's free.

    Again, I appreciate the responses and help so far :slight_smile:
     
  6. someoneus86

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    Does anyone else have any thoughts or does everyone pretty much believe that he likes me but is afraid and struggling with himself?

    I think he knows that I like him and that I'm interested since I already told him once that I was probably bi and then later on pretty much said that I had feelings for him which a few days later is when he started cuddling up to me in my sleep, 'accidentally' tossing his hand on my crotch briefly, and I believe masturbating/playing with himself while his back was leaned up against me at night. Then the last time he stayed over was when he was playing with himself in his sleep and then had his hand on my face touching my mouth and in the morning when I came back into my room with a towel on after my shower like he had done he actually hurried out of the room so maybe that scared him away. We did see a movie after that and he was still touchy-feely with our arms on the armrest.

    So I guess he knows that I'm interested in him since I've said so and played some of his games back? The only thing I didn't do was return any of his sleep 'activities' as I wasn't sure if he was intentionally doing it knowing I was awake or whatnot.

    I would assume he stopped wanting to stay over as he might be scared/confused? The only hope that I have that he is still interested is that he said it was just a temporary thing and he didn't mean never.

    Any other ideas on what I should or shouldn't be doing besides giving him space at times and not being pushy? Especially since he can only hang out once a week if that for now.
     
  7. cibi

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    I would ask him about the masturbating or at least let him know that i know hes been jerking off behind me in the same bed.after that conversation its literally little to no effort asking him out in a non straight type deal.judging by the results of course of the masturbating conversation.if he freaks out or denies it ur on ground zero again or possibly even impact ur friendship.i would bite the bullet and take my chances with the masturbating thing.i mean come on thats kinda like an open book