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Fallen in love with roommate - need advice badly

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ts49, Nov 28, 2015.

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  1. ts49

    ts49
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    Hey guys. This is my first post here. Short story is, I'm a freshman in college and my roommate is my best friend. He's straight and has a girlfriend and I'm gay (completely closeted). We've been friends for like 8 years and best friends for 2 years and I am completely in love with him. I know that the best idea for my own sake would be to move out. However, I'm not ready to come out of the closet, so if I move out, he won't understand why. Also, I do not know who I would room with if I did move out. If I stay, then I'll keep my close relationship with him but I will just get more confused and I know I will end up hurting myself in the future. He is very touchy and huggy and it makes me so confused. Please help. What should I do? Thanks.
     
    #1 ts49, Nov 28, 2015
  2. SonicBoom

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    Hi Ts49, welcome to EC.

    You are in a predicament.

    Can you use the excuse of needing more room for yourself and moving out by yourself for a month or two? Will you be able to afford it?

    Within those two months that you moved out by yourself, hopefully your current roommate would have found himself another roommate besides you.

    After you stayed by yourself for a month or two, you can advertise you are looking for another potential roommate.


    If your school is close to where your parents live, would you be comfortable moving back in with your parents for a month or two?( under the guise of needing to save money)

    When your current roommate has found another roommate, you can move back onto the dorm or find other living arragements closer to school.



    Also, some straight guys are just more comfortable with being touchy feely with other men whom they think are straight. (Bromance) . I wouldn't read too much into it.

    I wish you the best.(*hug*)
     
    #2 SonicBoom, Nov 28, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2015
  3. ts49

    ts49
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    Hi SonicBoom. Thanks for the reply.

    So the way it works at my school is that rooming in dorm is essentially a year-long commitment.

    My university is close to home (around 30 minutes with no traffic) but I think that living at home will compromise a lot of my social and academic life.

    I think that I could lie under the guise of needing more space or nit-picking some detail of his and saying that I couldn't live with that. However, I feel that if I do this, our friendship will deteriorate and I will lose my best friend. He's the kind of person who doesn't really keep in touch if he doesn't physically see you on a regular basis.

    Is there anyway to preserve our friendship while also detaching my romantic feelings for him? If not, do you think it is best for me to just preserve my friendship with him and stay roommates while still crushing on him or should I just move out and detach my feelings for him but also hurt our friendship?
     
    #3 ts49, Nov 29, 2015
  4. SonicBoom

    SonicBoom
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    From my own personal experience, I personally know that you are in a very sticky bind.

    I know that it is a very very bad idea to stay in close quarters of a room and have many many PRIVATE moments with someone you LOVE.

    Sooner or later you will lose your control and make UNWANTED advances toward him.


    The only way I can see you be able to stay with your current roommate is if you come out to him and come clean about your feelings for him. I also know that there are many inherent risk to coming out to him and coming clean. The choice is yours. But there is really no other way. Sorry.

    The way the situation is right now, he thinks that you are straight and does not know that you have feelings for him and will end up unknowingly and inadvertently doing things that will turn you on and drive you wild.


    I wish you the best. (*hug*)
     
    #4 SonicBoom, Nov 29, 2015
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  5. ts49

    ts49
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    I understand what you mean. I am poised to come out soon. I have accepted who I am for a while, but I am just scared of losing the people I love and trust over this (including my family, who are quite conservative).

    Did you come out in your situation? How did that person respond? Do you know of other people who have came out in similar situations and how their roommate/friend responded?
     
    #5 ts49, Nov 29, 2015
  6. SonicBoom

    SonicBoom
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    I got outed when I was 15 years old.

    I'm close to being middle age right now.

    The person I ALMOST lost control over was my best friend whom is still my best friend. My best friend is straight.

    My best friend ALWAYS knew that I'm gay and knows that I think he is very attractive.

    One day he was just visiting my house and I almost lost control and almost made an unwanted advance.

    Luckily, I was able to kick my friend out my house before it happened.

    The incident happened around four years. I've told my best friend about it and we've both taken steps to make sure it never happens again.

    Therefore, I know that you are in a very very bad situation. Sorry.
     
    #6 SonicBoom, Nov 29, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2015
  7. ts49

    ts49
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    Ahh I see. Did he know you were gay before the incident or after? How did he respond?

    And also, I am glad you are still best friends!
     
    #7 ts49, Nov 29, 2015
  8. SonicBoom

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    My best friend always knew that I'm gay from the moment we became friends.

    I'm 100% out at work.

    My best friend used to be a co-worker.
     
    #8 SonicBoom, Nov 29, 2015
  9. ts49

    ts49
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    Ahh ok. I will contemplate on what to do. Thank you so much for your help and advice. It's good to have someone to talk to who understands the position that I am in.
     
    #9 ts49, Nov 29, 2015
  10. SonicBoom

    SonicBoom
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    Sorry ts49, nothing good will come out of rooming with your best friend.

    The only thing that will happen is DISASTER.
     
    #10 SonicBoom, Nov 29, 2015
  11. ts49

    ts49
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    Yes, unfortunately :frowning2: Do you mean this generally or do you mean rooming with a best friend whom you have a crush on?
     
    #11 ts49, Nov 29, 2015
  12. SonicBoom

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    Rooming with him while you have A MASSIVE CRUSH AND ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM.
     
    #12 SonicBoom, Nov 29, 2015
  13. fortune

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    Hey :slight_smile:

    One solution would be for you to try to go out more and find other friends? Maybe attend some LGBT events?
    Then, if you were to get into a relationship, your feelings for your roommate would probably diminish. It seems like he's not interested anyway. Sadly.

    I know what it's like to feel somewhat dependent on one person, but it's important to find other people to hang out with and think about. And it would also be easier to come out that way. You could just tell your roommate that you have been dating someone that happens to be a guy.

    Hope all goes well!
    You'll be okay bud!
     
    #13 fortune, Nov 30, 2015
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