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Falling in love with straight friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pestjohnbuda, Nov 29, 2015.

  1. pestjohnbuda

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    Hey,
    I am still questioning, but I think I fell in love with a good friend of mine a little while ago. He has a girlfriend which makes me assume he's straight and that I won't have a chance. He is very touchy though and won't pull away if I accidentally touch his leg or arm, or even hold it. Rationally I would think we're just good friends, but I get a smile on my face every time he texts me. What are the chances that he would be interested in more, and how should / could I find out? Or does it say enough that he has a girlfriend, and that I should back off? Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  2. tgOlivia

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    Ouch, that's a tough one. Maybe if you come out to him as gay/bi, but don't tell him you're interested that might be a good way to test for his reaction. Who knows, if you tell him he might say "me too". But yeah, my guess is that you're probably out of luck and might just want to back off. Hopefully that isn't the case though. But yeah, I think coming out to him, just as though you're looking for a supportive friend to tell (which in a way you are) and seeing how he reacts might be the best course of action because even if he isn't interested then at least you have someone you know you can trust to talk to, and I imagine coming further out is always a good feeling.
     
  3. pestjohnbuda

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    Thank you for your reply! The thing that I'm most afraid of is him telling anyone else, or it maybe ruining our friendship. If he isn't interested, I have to accept that, but losing him completely would be a pain for me. I am not out to anyone, so for me this would be a risk which could be postponed until I'm feeling more secure I guess? He has said that something 'was gay' before, but I have no idea if that tells me anything about his view on people as almost everyone at my school does it. I would just want him to know and to be ok with it and be the friend I have known for a while now, but the risk seems so big D:
     
  4. tgOlivia

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    I can see your concerns but I would still recommend going for it. Honestly, (and yes I know Im a hypocrite saying this) if it wouldn't be physically dangerous for your safety to come out to everyone I would actually recommend doing so. It would suck to have this guy out you, but unless it would endanger your safety it might be for the best. Sure, you'll get bullied, but I think it might be worth it to be out. So, again unless it would be unsafe in your area, I wouldn't worry too much about him telling anyone just because worse things can happen.

    As for the ruining your friendship... I feel like if this dude is a real friend he'll learn to be okay with it, even if he rejects the idea at first. If you take my advice and come out to him, say something like. "Hey man, I'm not coming onto you or anything, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay." He might be a little shocked, and maybe even disgusted, but hate is generally bred of ignorance, and if you can show him that you're still the same cool person he knew before you came out, I suspect he'll come around. And if he doesn't, if this is something that can make him abandon you completely, then maybe this person isn't worth having as a friend. And like I said, you would be shocked at how many people are in the closet. Maybe he is too, and when you speak up he'll tell you and how awesome would that be.

    Do whatever you think will be the best choice for you. But I really think you wouldn't regret at least telling him you aren't straight. Based on how he reacts to that you may or may not want to tell him about your feelings.
    Good luck!
     
  5. pestjohnbuda

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    Thanks again for your words! If I would tell him, that would make things clear for the both of us. What would you say would be the right way of doing this? I have the feeling that he could be considered my friend I would tell, so I want to convey the right message. I rarely see him outside of school, so how should I tackle this? Taking into account some tears may be shed, as I'd rather 'be normal', and don't want things to change?

    Thanks for your opinion!
     
  6. tgOlivia

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    How rare is rarely? If you sometimes do hang out after school or whatever that would probably be better than in school, just for privacy's sake. If you really don't see eachother than I would recommend waiting until the end of the day, then just pulling him aside and telling him before he has to get on the bus or however he leaves.

    And just, try to be cool. Like, practice how you're going to say it in front of a mirror or something. I know it might be hard not to get emotional, but your best bet is probably to try and just be cool. "Hey man, I'm gay. I just wanted you to know." Or something, and try not to get emotional about it. Easier said than done, I know, but that would probably be the least awkward on his end.
     
  7. pestjohnbuda

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    would you also recommend keeping it short then? I would imagine that giving him time to ask questions, if any, would be good, so maybe after school would be the best option. Also, he usually sees his girlfriend after school except on mondays which is perfect, as he is in the same extra class as me (we're finished later). And rarely basically means never, I do have the feeling that we could be hanging out soon as we're becoming better and better friends, but up until now its more the 'best-school-buddies' I guess :slight_smile:
     
  8. tgOlivia

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    Yeah, short, opportunity to ask questions. I think that if you're going to do it, which I think you should, you got a plan down pretty well. Good luck!
     
  9. pestjohnbuda

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    Thank your for all your advice :slight_smile: Do you think I should put some work at it, or should I wait until I would be comfortable with him and the situation, as I'm still questioning...? I do like him, so I guess bi is for sure
     
  10. tgOlivia

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    Whatever makes you most comfortable. On one hand it would probably be good to get this off your chest as soon as possible. On the other, if you would rather wait and figure things out more, I can't see how that would hurt.