I'm quickly approaching 30 years old. I've been out to everyone but my family for about a year-and-a-half and just got out of my first relationship ever. First time kissing, having sex, cuddling, the whole shabang. It was amazing. He appreciated the affection but could never show any back, claiming "it'll happen soon" and since he was in the same boat of just coming out and being in his first relationship, he was just nervous. I believed him, because every time I kissed him goodbye, he would make plans for the next time we see each other, like he wanted this relationship as cemented as I did. After five months, he broke it off due to "no romantic spark" while we were discussing dinner plans for the night. By "no romantic spark" I'm assuming he wanted someone skinnier and younger (he wanted a twink in other words, as he had mentioned that was his fantasy, and here I am five years older than him with a bit of weight). He denies it was for this reason, but we connected on every other level and he insists that it was nothing I had done personally, so what else would it be? He insists on being best friends still, hanging out and grabbing dinner and seeing movies together once the breakup isn't so fresh, since we learned so much from each other over the last five months and became such good friends, but I put him on a no contact level for now until I can get over the feelings. I told him I'd text him when I'm in a better place. The crazy thing is, I had been thinking shortly before the breakup how this relationship was doing well, and I'd never get to live out my "bear fantasy" I've always had, but I was okay with that because my partner was such a part of me in every other way. Anyway, it's been about a month. He's not in my head as much anymore, but I am seeking companionship, this time from someone who can also share affection. I'm not even close to finding results. The people on all the dating sites are the same as they were a year ago, and I have no interest in them. No one new, just the same profiles, and most of them haven't logged in in months. Mobile hookup apps are flourishing, and I get tons of messages from twinks left and right, but I have no interest in any of them. I prefer masculine men. However, the "adult" version of the popular dating app we all know and love, meant for bears and those not taking pictures of themselves in their mom's bathroom mirror, has given me different results. I'm getting messages from guys I find VERY attractive, and I came close to hooking up with one of them once. However, the guy was 50. He didn't look 50, but he was. He even gave me his address to come meet up. We had the same strange turn-ons, he was fairly new to internet hookups so he wasn't too pushy, everything seemed perfect. While pondering how to get there, I "finished" myself and some serious guilt set in, that I was about to sleep with a 50-year-old who I just had my first sexting conversation with. I deleted the app for good. I don't know where to go from here. LTR-based dating sites just aren't a thing in my area, nobody uses them. There are no gay bars anywhere remotely close to me. I act masculine, so you wouldn't know I'm gay in public. And to top it off, I'm not attracted to 95% of guys my age. I almost want to go live out my hookup fantasy with an older bearish guy, and maybe it'll "unlock" a part of my brain where I'm not so picky when looking for someone for an LTR. But there's no way I could have a relationship with someone who's 40+. What would we have in common? What would my friends think? I'm not really sure what I'm asking with this post. This post is a result of my brain imploding upon itself. I'll start with this: How common are hookups in the gay community as opposed to straight? Are many relationships formed from hookup/FWB situations? I don't see any other options. The horniness in me approves of this, but if I were to hookup with someone, it needs to be someone I've communicated with outside of a sexual level. Someone whose name I actually know and can speak in a language other than penis. Maybe I can gain some gay friends in the process and not feel so alone, since the only other gay person I know that I can talk to is in the no contact zone currently. As much as my current circle of friends understand and accept me, I still feel like an outsider.
