I was just watching a video of some girl on youtube going on about pros and cons of pixie cuts, because even though I quite like my long curly hair, I can NEVER get it right when I'm trying and I can never be bothered with it, so I was just mildly considering super short hair. But I was thinking it would probably make me look way more boyish in combination with my tomboyish style than I want to. Anyway, my mum walks in and I minimise it because I'm supposed to be working. Then she demands to see the video, have me unplug my headphones and hear it and then starts asking me if I'm planning to cut my hair off. I was like "No. I'm not planning anything. I was thinking about it because my hair is annoying, but I think I'll look like a boy" jokingly. And then she says and i quote "Yes, and you're way too tall to be looking mannish. Unless you're planning to look mannish. Unless you're planning to be one of those MANNISH WOMEN WHO GO AROUND LOOKING FOR OTHER WOMEN. Which I hope you're not, you know. You better not be". I just said "I'm not PLANNING anything. Anyway, why are you so bothered about this video; go away." But OMFG that little speech she made. And that phrase she used to describe lesbians just killed me (in the bad way, not the funny way). Somehow this little interaction has made me feel really awful and, weirdly enough, although I usually feel like rebelling more when my mother annoys me, I'm feeling right now that I should crawl back to that time when I thought I just liked boys and when I used to feel pressured to dress a certain way, because I'm just bi and it could just be a phase. Nevermind bi-erasure I'm fucking erasing myself right now. But seriously, she even told me not to kiss any girls before I went to a party the other day, and she generally brings up this stuff way too much, so she obviously suspects something. How does she think this is a remotely helpful way to deal with her suspicions? What sort of idiot doesn't realise that if I might be gay or something that that would cause me anything but straight up pain? EUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH I feel slightly sick.
You are 17. You are old enough to make that decision for yourself. Comments like that from your mother are horrible. Be with whoever you want to be with, male or female. Don't erase yourself. It won't stick, and you'll kick yourself for it later. Be you. That's all you have to do.
My mum used to be similar. Now I'm in my 20's, out to her. There's nothing she can really do about it, but I don't know even now if she's accepting. Living at home, in these circumstances, can be suffocating, depressing, agitating, and cause you to self-invalidate, A LOT, as a reaction. My method of dealing with it was putting on a mask, but eventually that mask became me before I found myself again. It created an empty feeling which I lived with for a long time. It's good to stand up for yourself as much as you can, but sometimes, especially with parents, and especially around an age where they still feel they have 'control' of you, this can be exhausting and pointless if they just have an ideal of who/what you should be that you're just not fitting into. Stay aware of who you are. Don't let them invalidate you, or your attractions, or feelings, or expression. Hold onto yourself inside. I know, this sort of situation sucks until you leave home and become independent.
Hey, inamirrordarkly. Thank you for your reply. I've calmed down now, and you're right, I can't be erasing myself because of my mother's opinion. 17 is old enough to be deciding stuff for myself, but as much as I try to tell my mother that she only has 7 months left on me, so she might as well give up cos she can't change me now, she won't give up. This and the fact that she pretty much thinks that all girls think about being bi as teenagers but only the stupid ones are tricked into thinking they are, is probably why she says stuff like this; its her last ditch effort to convince me I'm striaght. And hi, waternation. It's comforting to hear your advice coming from a similar situation. Thanks. I will try not to cover myself up like you said. This situation is the main reason that I want to go to university. Just to get away from her as quickly as possible and feel free to explore my whole self. I don't actually like studying I just feel stifled and angry all the time in that house, so thats the only reason I'm going through the process of applying to uni. I'm hoping once I've got away from home as you said, it'll be better and I don't think I'll really care what she thinks anymore, since I don't really value any of her opinions any more. But it still hurts to know that she would label me as "a mannish woman who goes around looking for other women". It's pretty derogatry, and I find it a bit sad that she doesn't care about offending me like that. I'm calming down but I'm still really sickened by this conversation. Any other advice will be appreciated.
She has no right to say things like that that could hurt you. Maybe in some deep twisted way she wants you to have a good life and to her that equates to being straight. And she thinks being aggressive and making you feel bad about it will make you want to be or think you are, especially if she doesn't think being bi or gay is "real". Regardless, that's no excuse and you shouldn't take it to heart. It's just her weird way of dealing with it. You're going to get out of the house soon which is great. It's up to you how to best handle it until then because you know your mom the best but maybe try not to act too aggressively toward her when she says things like that? Because that may make her worse, which you probably don't want to happen before you get out of the house. I'm not saying back down or give in of course and I totally understand that you want to react with a lot of anger when she says those things. But it may just be best to bite your lip in this case, just until you get out of the house. Don't let her tell you what to do or make you feel bad, but maybe just try to be the bigger person and not give her the reaction she wants. That way maybe she'll just give up somewhat if she sees you're just ignoring her anyway. And still, you know her the best so maybe that wouldn't be the best option here especially when she makes you really mad but just a suggestion. Hope this helps. Best wishes<3
Thanks for the reply Bubbles123. She never thinks that any of my life choices are valid, so I think if I came out to her she would totally laugh and think it was another of my stupid little ideas. My other "stupid little ideas" I will argue with her about and she gets more diplomatic about them but this I am really not happy to go through arguing about So yeah, I'm generally pretty aggressive with her because she is always picking fights with me over everything I do but when she talks about this stuff I usually just laugh a little, then deflect, and then calmly suggest a less homophobic point of view. But today she'd been bugging me a lot (I show her a shirt I wanna buy "what sort of girl would want that shirt? You know your at that stage where you need to start being more of a lady. You really do." And shed literally been interrogating me about everything on my PC screen since) so I just thought I better tell her to go away before I started ranting at her about how not all lesbians are that butch and expressing my general disgust at her weird discription, because I didn't want to open up a conversation about that. Lol, she definitely doesn't want me to fight back, though. Thats the problem really, until the day I turn 18 she will always remind me that I'm a "child" (yeah she calls me a child) and that my opinion can never outweigh hers. I tell her she doesn't want me to have an opinion, and shell being up any slight concessions shes ever made like I'm lucky for them.
I can't help but think that when she tells you you should be acting like a lady, it would help if she was acting like one? Then again, if someone is silly enough to call me a lady, I deny it fiercely. Ladies don't have fun...
My stepdad was slightly homophobic and I grew up randomly hearing stuff such as "I won't late any of my kids be gay. " and so on. But me being the egalitarian girl that I am, I always made sure to tell him that I would do as I pleased and that I didn't expect his approval on any of my future partners. I think he was always a bit gobsmacked at me responding back but he eventually changed his version to 'none of the boys should be gay :rolle: ' ( I am the only girl of the family ). That was much before I realized that I was bi but I now realize how important that was for me to do that and how it will probably benefit me now. I feel like me telling him that and confronting him forced him to admit to himself that it was indeed a possibility for any of his children (whether he liked it or not) and that there was nothing he could ever possibly do to stop it or change it. I haven't come out to him yet but I kind of feel like he would be somehow cool with it, not proud nor happy, but not surprised or devastated either. I almost feel like he expect it now since of how many times I told him I would go out with whoever I wanted during my childhood and teen years. :lol: ( He also haven't said a single homophobic thing in years which proves that he has made progress somehow. And while he is still very far from willingly wearing pride T-shirt to head to a gay pride to fight actively for gay rights, I think he is more comfortable with homosexuality than he was a few years back and I do think that it has a lot to do with me never walking on eggshells around him and not bending over backwards to fit his idea of the 'ideal daughter' and probably a lot to do with my group of gay friends he kind of had to handle throughout the year... :lol: ) I personally think you should confront your mum. If my mum came to me and told me 'not to kiss girls' before heading out for a party I would probably tell her to stop being ridiculous and remind her that it is '2015', that homophobia is outdated, and that there is nothing wrong with kissing a girl just as there is nothing wrong with kissing a guy and that while I appreciate her concerns, she taught me to be an independent woman capable of making her own decisions and of leading her life and that therefore I would lead my life and chose to kiss whoever I saw fit. But then I am someone who doesn't fear her parents. I never let any homophobic or racist slur slide, be it from them or anyone. They raised me to be the person I am now, this person happen to be bi and also pretty militant of the human rights and other things along those line so of course if they say stuff that goes against what I fight for or believe in (based on unreasonable fears or outdated ideas) I'll tell them off. I have absolutely no problem with that and I am very conscious that this doesn't work for everyone, but in my family I noticed that publicly challenging the ideas and opinions of the most old fashioned ones often worked. Putting their ideas into perspective often help them see how 'idiotic' they sound and most of the time help them soften their views around certain topics. If you stand proud of who you are your mum will respect you for it. She may not love you for it but at least she could never take away your pride. There is nothing wrong with being bi and you should not let her even imply that there is. It sucks to be in a situation where your parents are pushing you backwards instead of forward but hang in there, don't let anyone dictate who you should be and what you should do of your life, you only have one and it's worth living it the way you want it too ! :icon_wink
Wow, I'm really impressed with how you dealt with that, Linning. And thank you for the very supportive and long reply. BTW my mum actually told me not to kiss any boys first. She just thinks I have no self control and judgement. Of course her little rant about not kissing girls came with a bit more disgust but she didn't think kissing any boys was a good idea either, lol. So I didn't argue that one. I just told her none of the gay girls from my school were coming, and as much as she seems to think so, girls don't just convince themselves that they are bi suddenly, so its safe. As I said before I'm not actually afraid to argue with my mum about stuff. We argue a lot. But she is stubborn as hell. We argued for hours once about whether ice or water was denser even though it's a scientific fact... And it was a proper shouty angry argument, not a debate. So I try to not be too confrontational about this stuff because I really don't want to argue about it at length. But I do stand up to her little homophobic things a little. During our last holiday she kept going on about how she kept hearing people say that sexuality is fluid and that it's all bullshit and she can't beleive where the world is going. So I just kept saying that scientifically sexuality is pretty fluid and its more of a scale than a few options, and that I read that female sexuality is more fluid. Calmly. Eventually she started replying to this saying girls get too attached to their friends during teen years, and mistake it for something else, and then the weak minded ones trick themselves into thinking they like girls. I said that nobody does that, nobody tricks themselves into liking the same sex. Etc etc. Generally I just try and bring reason to her comments. But when she's straight up asking me is I wanna "become" her freakish idea of what a lesbian is, I just blanked out a little. I guess I really don't want to be arguing with her about how gay shes gonna let me be lol. And another point is... If I told her that she raised me to be an independent woman and all that you said there she would probably laugh. She thinks I am pretty useless and irresponsible and won't even give me an opinion on the fact that water is denser than ice. Her opinion always overules mine and she will say that and remind me that I'm a child, whether I'm 7 months off being 18 or not. However, I will try to be a bit more diligent in speaking out against all her homophobic comments as you said. Because as stubborn as she is, I have over time managed to make her talk somewhat rationally about some things, though she sort of still sees most of my ideas as pretty stupid... ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2015 at 06:47 AM ---------- Hahaha! Aw thanks, CapColors. That comment cheered me up.I will do.
My mom makes such comments too and I understand the total sinking feeling you get. It's horrible to say such things.
Thanks, Magenta Mucus (what a name...). Yeah, its definitely a sinking feeling. In these past few days I've calmed down and I'm starting to think I might get that haircut. I won't look like a boy, just like my own person. And once she sees how her comments had no effect she might start to cool down. Probably not but hey.
