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2 straight guys trying to make it work

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bibroken, Nov 30, 2015.

  1. bibroken

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    allright this is a long one but i have to get it off my chest...

    im 26 and for the past 10 years or so ive been physically attracted to guys and girls living a straight life but with no one knowing anything about me and guys. a relationship with a guy never even crossed my mind and i would not even hook up with the same guy more than one. All that changed 11 months ago and im loosing my mind..

    while on ****** a new user from out of town hit me up that seemed to have the same stats as me, we got to talking and felt an instant connection unlike ive never felt, so much that we decided to trade numbers, something i never do. As we got to talking we completely understood each other and understood that while living a straight life we had urges to get off with guys. I am really picky when it comes to hooking up with a guy so even then i didnt jump to go meet up, he persisted and eventually ended up getting a hotel room for us since he was staying with his friends and i was at my family's place.

    As soon as i saw him i could tell this dude was actually for real when he said he lived a straight life, most guys on ****** say they do but that is never true. We hooked up (just oral and makeout) in the room and spent over an hour together; when my hookups are usually cum, get dressed and run. I dropped him back off at his friends place with really no intention of ever seeing him again, boy was i wrong.

    Couple of minutes past and he was already texting me again telling me how he couldn't believe we met each other and we connected the way we did. He went as far as to invite me out that night with him and his friends because he knew that no one would be able to tell I was into dudes. I was very hesitant about this and even though he insisted all afternoon and night I didn't give in and told him that he should go out with the friends he came to visit instead of hanging out with a guy he just met and that I would just stay home and watch a movie with my family.
    He still kept on insisting that if I didn't go out that we should at least go back and crash at the room we had gotten to not let it go to waste, I was really not feeling sneaking out of my house cause I had never even slept with a guy before and I wasn't gonna risk anyone catching me that I slipped off in the middle of the night. He finally convinced me so at 2am we both snuck out and ended up back at the hotel. We hooked up again and fell asleep, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and asking myself what the hell I was doing sleeping with a guy and thought about ditching him but I was too tired and fell back asleep. In the morning I got up early so that no one would notice I was gone and I drove him back to his place and went back to mine. No one noticed we were gone.
    We kept on texting and snapchatting throughout the day and he told me that it was his last night in town and that he really wanted me to go out with his friends, drink and have fun since it was a saturday night. I told him that id go out with my friends and that if i got drunk enough we could all meet up at some bar and we did and it was completely normal and no one guessed a thing..

    We ended up getting another room his last day before heading to the airport and at this point I was starting to like how comfortable we were around each other and kinda started to like him. He flew back home that night and we were both hooked.

    Even though we were thousand of miles away from each other we texted all day, which turned to talking on the phone whenever we could and really started opening up to each other, we both had saved each others numbers under a girls name so no one really questioned who we were talking to. He was still living with his parents and started a new job a couple of days later which had him working 11 hours a day 5 random days a week but even though he was now always at work and didn't really like talking around his parents we always found time to talk on the phone and it was great.
    I had an upcoming business trip close to the city where he lived so I proposed me taking off a couple of days early and making a pit stop to go up and see him, he couldnt believe it and was lucky enough to get those exact days off work so we could hang. We both came up with a lie to get away for a couple of days and for the first time ever, I was flying halfway across the country to meet someone which scared the shit out of me but also couldn't be more excited. That weekend we barely left the room and easily got off 30 times or more up to the point where our dicks were sore, we drank, we talked and it was some of the best times either of us had ever had before.

    At this point I definitely felt that he was way more into me than I was into him, I was still trying to understand what the hell I was doing. He started telling me that he loved me and that I was his everything and couldn't understand how it got to be like that but he was happy. I told him I loved him too, but I think I was just saying it without really understanding it. He was introducing me to his friends and even introduced me to the girl he was seeing and everything was completely cool and normal. As more time passed we kept talking non stop and I kept making up business trips to find ways to go up to see him and it made us both really happy and all this eventually led to me also falling for him and this is when things started getting complicated..

    Living so far away and not being able to see each other as often as we wanted we both started hooking up with other random dudes again when we needed to get off but as time went by I started getting more and more jealous of this and finally told him that I was going to stop hooking up and that I didnt want him hooking up with other dudes. He responded that he was scared that our thing was turning into a real relationship and that he needed to be in a relationship with a girl and not a guy. I understood that and told him that I didnt care if he was hooking up with a girl as long as it wasnt another guy. As we were both working and living so far away we still managed to talk all day every day but now it was a lot more text and less and less phone conversation so I was beginning to wonder what was going on.

    It was a very important day for me with a work related issue and for some reason that day he seemed to be MIA, no texts, no calls, no nothing. I couldn't believe that on a day that he knew was so important to him he wasn't reaching out. He finally texted during the end of the day and he has completely forgotten about my thing, in return I decided I was gonna be an ass about it and give him shit for forgetting. This completely blew up and we ended up yelling at each other on the phone with him saying that "I need to stop trying to treat him like he was my boyfriend because that was never going to happen and that this was just getting to complicated to keep going". I was crushed and really didnt know what to say, we had a trip for me to come up and see him a couple of days later and I told him that I wasn't going to cancel cause we needed to talk in person, he agreed and I went.

    The weekend started out kind of awkward but that quickly went away and we were back to being happy around each other, it was actually one of the best weekends we have had together. We both apologized for what was said on the phone but again he reminded me that he was scared because we were falling deeper and deeper into this and that we both needed to think about our lives with wives and families. I reminded him that I was on the same page but that it hurt whenever I found out he was still hooking up with dudes and not girls. We made an agreement at that point that to make it easier we would have an open relationship as soon as we told each other about who and when we were hooking up with. I came back home and we both said I love you before I left.

    Less than a week went by after that when he texted me that he had just hooked up with another guy but "that it wasnt that great so to not worry about it". I fucking broke down because I couldnt say anything about it since that was what we had agreed upon but couldnt believe that not even a week had gone by and he had already done it. I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt even be around my friends and family so that they wouldnt know something was wrong. I was completely crushed unlike anything i had ever felt before. Those next couple of weeks were torture even more because we still hadnt made plans to see each other again. I was suffering so bad that I started crying and couldnt stop, this coming from a guy that never cried about anything before. I had no one to talk to and was going crazy. So crazy that in easter weekend, which i knew he was off from work, i made up a lie to my friends and family that i had to work and decided to buy a plane ticket to go up and see him unexpectedly. The day I was leaving I decided to text and lie to him that some friends were going to his city to spend easter and that I was tagging along and that hopefully we'd be able to hang. He responded that I shouldve told him sooner cause he had already made plans to be with his girl and to spend easter with his family. I didnt wanna push it or have him know that in reality I was going up by myself so I just told him that if he wanted to hang that I was gonna be at the hotel and he could come over. That night I was in the hotel and couldnt sleep, kept waiting for him to open but that never happened.. Easter sunday and I was by myself in a hotel room having had lied to everyone and untop of that my ex-girlfriend got engaged that morning so that was just the cherry on top.
    He finally texted later that morning to tell me that he wasnt going to be able to see me cause he was gong to be all day with his family. I didnt know what to do so I told him that I was by myself and that i couldnt believe he wasnt going to make an effort to see me, I even reminded him about that first night he made me sneak out of my house to go spend a night with him. With this he invited me to spend the day with him and his parents...
    At first I didnt know what to say cause I did not expect that at all but I agreed and he were both freaking about about what we were about to do. It ended up being one of the best days ive spent with him.
    In the beginning it was a bit awkward since we both come from such different backgrounds so I could tell that his parents didnt understand how it is that we got along but they were totally cool and as soon as we started all drinking we all had a blast. They invited me back to their place and even told me to crash there so that I wouldnt have to go back to the hotel. We got a little carried away and started sneaking make outs in between when his parents werent looking and even left the guest bedroom in the middle of the night to go sleep with him but it was awesome. The next day when I left we were both worried if maybe they had noticed anything but played it cool. Turns out a couple of days later his mom made a comment, that it would be totally fine if he was gay but he laughed it off and made it seem like she was crazy.

    After that things went back to how they were, still texting every day but now rarely talking on the phone and I couldnt understand why he didnt wanna talk on the phone anymore. He explained that hes never been the type of guy to talk on the phone and that he didnt wanna risk anyone listening to us or asking who it is that hes always on the phone with. We had been "seeing each other" now for about 5 months.
    I started becoming very paranoid, at this point I was so over my head over this guy that I did not want to loose him and even more so, cause every time we hung out after that I found shit on his phone that he was hooking up with more guys but wasnt telling me about it anymore. I called him out on it and his response was always that they meant nothing to him and that he knew it hurt me to know things like that so that he rather not tell me. When we are together its always perfect and never have a bad time but I was so paranoid about what he was doing when I was not there that I knew I had to do something. I eventually realized that I could hack his phone because I knew his 4 digit code so I did the unthinkable and gained access to his phone remotely from anywhere....

    I couldnt believe what I had done, I knew I had gone completely crazy and was becoming obsessive but I had to know what was going on. As I started gaining all this information I found out 2 things: 1 good and 1 bad. The good one was worth everything I had gone though: i was all over his phone, he rarely talked to anyone else besides me, no one not even his best friends came close to having as much interaction as he had with me. I was stunned, I have always been very social and I am always texting, calling, snapping, anything social I am on my phone 24/7. But hes not, he was telling the truth about him never being on the phone, he isnt even on the phone long enough to carry on a full sentence if its not with me. This completely changed my view of him and I felt now that I knew him more than ever and could trust him a lot more now.
    The bad in all of this is that the rare interactions he has that are not with me, are not only his friends and co-workers but I found that he hooks up a lot more than he led me to believe which crushed me.
    You could say the good outweighs the bad of what I learned from doing that to his phone but I still feel very shitty for doing it but do not regret it as I now know when Im being played a fool and when im not.

    This phone hack came right at the time before I was leaving on a very long summer family trip in which I was not going to be able to see him for a couple of months. This is how I found out he met this other guy that has me worried..
     
  2. Afterfshn

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    So do you want advice or what?

    My opinion is that he is very confused and that you are little bit more comfortable with your sexuality than he is. But I also think he is kind of manipulative, look at it he has everyone fooled even you. Like his gf, family and you. He says he doesnt want to be with a guy but hooks up multiple times a week.

    I think you have to have a conversation with him about Where you guys stand. Cuz this is eating you up!
     
  3. Afterfshn

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    So do you want advice or what?

    My opinion is that he is very confused and that you are little bit more comfortable with your sexuality than he is. But I also think he is kind of manipulative, look at it he has everyone fooled even you. Like his gf, family and you. He says he doesnt want to be with a guy but hooks up multiple times a week.

    I think you have to have a conversation with him about Where you guys stand. Cuz this is eating you up!
     
  4. robclem21

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    This is a really interesting read and I don't exactly know how much advice I have for you because this really is one of those things I can't say I've ever been through to this extent.

    I can imagine how hard it is to lie to everyone, but I can't say that I understand how hard it is to deal with this on your own. This pattern of thought (its only sex, I still want a wife and life with a woman) is entirely how I started coming out. It quickly progressed to maybe its okay to sleep with guys. Then maybe I just need the right guy. Then I really like this guy and I'm happy, maybe its okay to be with a guy. Love is Love... Whatever....

    I'm not saying this to scare you, but the type of relationship you appear to want is really only possible if you are both willing to take the next step in realizing and accepting your sexuality. Having a monogomous relationship with a guy makes being gay very real and unless you are both okay with that next step, one of you will keep living the "straight" life and you will keep ending up hurt.

    I think this experience has been good for you because maybe you realize its possible to have feelings for someone more than just a hookup which may go a long way in making you really happy down the road. Unfortunately, this one may drag on for years and years and you need to think how much heartbreak and torture you are willing to put yourself through.

    It already sounds like a relationship for two closeted people. Regardless of what you each are willing to admit. Normally my advice is talk to the other person about your feelings, but in this case, I think you need to really just figure out what you want and what stage you are at and maybe try to find something that works for your new stage of acceptance. I bet if you say you want out, he may take a next step and try to make it more serious, but unfortunately I don't think so.

    When other guys have you worried, its no longer just a hookup. You really like him (if not love him based on your emotions). It seems like you are okay with this and thats a good thing, but a little more deep thought about what you really want may help clear things up.

    Hope that helps!
    J
     
  5. robclem21

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    This is a really interesting read and I don't exactly know how much advice I have for you because this really is one of those things I can't say I've ever been through to this extent.

    I can imagine how hard it is to lie to everyone, but I can't say that I understand how hard it is to deal with this on your own. This pattern of thought (its only sex, I still want a wife and life with a woman) is entirely how I started coming out. It quickly progressed to maybe its okay to sleep with guys. Then maybe I just need the right guy. Then I really like this guy and I'm happy, maybe its okay to be with a guy. Love is Love... Whatever....

    I'm not saying this to scare you, but the type of relationship you appear to want is really only possible if you are both willing to take the next step in realizing and accepting your sexuality. Having a monogomous relationship with a guy makes being gay very real and unless you are both okay with that next step, one of you will keep living the "straight" life and you will keep ending up hurt.

    I think this experience has been good for you because maybe you realize its possible to have feelings for someone more than just a hookup which may go a long way in making you really happy down the road. Unfortunately, this one may drag on for years and years and you need to think how much heartbreak and torture you are willing to put yourself through.

    It already sounds like a relationship for two closeted people. Regardless of what you each are willing to admit. Normally my advice is talk to the other person about your feelings, but in this case, I think you need to really just figure out what you want and what stage you are at and maybe try to find something that works for your new stage of acceptance. I bet if you say you want out, he may take a next step and try to make it more serious, but unfortunately I don't think so.

    When other guys have you worried, its no longer just a hookup. You really like him (if not love him based on your emotions). It seems like you are okay with this and thats a good thing, but a little more deep thought about what you really want may help clear things up.

    Hope that helps!
    J
     
  6. AKTodd

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    Short on time, but...

    It seems to me that at the core of a lot of this is the ongoing assumption that you both seem to be making (or maybe clinging to) that you must eventually meet/marry a woman and produce kids. Whether you realize it or not, that '600 lb gorilla in the room' is warping your relationship and sending you a message that everything you're feeling for each other can never be more than it is right now. Can never be more than temporary. Can never be more than a shameful secret that you engage in behind everyone's backs.

    This could be what's driving him to behave the way he is. Fighting his feelings or trying to go back to 'normal' or get over you with hookups because he doesn't see how to make what you have work.

    It doesn't have to be that way.

    I would suggest that you both should work on coming to accept yourselves as not straight and, more importantl, that it is possible to build love and a life with another guy. Including marriage and kids if that's what you both want.

    Part of that means coming out (first to yourself, eventually to others) and living openly with the determination that you will build the life you want as who you really are, not who others expect you to be.

    I can't read your guys mind and maybe he's just not a relationship kind of guy. But until you both make the steps to be honest in your life, I think it's going to cloud everything else.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  7. CapColors

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    My friend, you sound like you want a long term relationship with a man. There is nothin wrong with that.

    If you are bi and not gay, you might even be able eventually to find a woman who will want a triad or an open marriage. (We are out there!)

    But you are only 26. Why not first try a *real* LTR (not this halfway thing you have with your friend) with a man now and see how it goes? Worst case scenario you decide it's not for you and move on to the woman of your dreams.

    Believe me when I say that the worst case scenarios of not doing this now and regretting it later (kids, wife, etc) are FAR worse.
     
    #7 CapColors, Dec 1, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2015
  8. CameOutSwinging

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    Very interesting read! Thank you for sharing.

    I have to agree with some of what has already been said. It sounds a lot like you want far more than just a hookup with a guy (this guy, in particular, if at all possible). I can relate to you guys a lot. I've always compartmentalized sex and romance as two different things, and to me sex with guys was allowed but romance was what you had with women. I still don't understand why I thought this way, but perhaps that thinking isn't uncommon. It took me earlier this year falling for a guy who was supposed to just be a hook up to realize that I could have romantic feelings for men. And one of the big signs for me that I had fallen for the guy was that I would get extremely jealous when he was hooking up with other guys and going on dates, etc. I've had plenty of just hook up partners, and this was completely different. And changed my thinking so much.

    Now, you can't control the other guy's thinking, and he may be far from being ready to get to the place that you're starting to open up to. And that may mean that he's not the right guy for you. But think about what you truly want. Especially if you're single right now (TRUST ME on that one). If dating guys is something you're curious about, do it. If it doesn't work out in the end, I promise, women will still exist.