First, some background: I've been friends with this girl for four years. She's bi and she liked me a lot, even though I didn't realize it for a while. I started questioning later on and started feeling more physical/sexual attraction towards her. We became really touchy and flirty and close and I found out she liked me. I was still confused about my feelings for her because I didn't feel like I loved her like that, but knew I was attracted to her. I wanted to give her closure since I knew she liked me a lot so I told her about how I felt. From there, we continued being flirty and stuff until it gradually got to the point where we started acting like it was somewhat of a relationship. But I started feeling really guilty because I knew I didn't feel as strongly as she did. We talked about it a couple times until recently. Recently, we talked a lot and I let out everything, including how I feared I was aromantic and I couldn't feel romantic feeling towards her. She said she knew we weren't sole mates so it was okay and she was happy because she never expected me to see her as anything more than a friend. And that if I was more ready for just a physical relationship that was okay, especially since we just have a bit of high school left with each other. After that, I felt so much better. And we immediately felt so much closer and it was like our relationship suddenly accelerated and I was okay with it. For the first time, I wasn't overthinking everything and just going with it and it felt amazing, like it was really real and I was more ready. But today she wanted to talk again. She was sad and asked me what I meant by "not having romantic attraction to her". I explained everything, but still wasn't able to really express my feelings. I feel like I sugar-coated the way I really feel because I think I really see her more as a really good friend but I'm also really attracted to her and think about kissing her a lot and just want to cuddle with her and be alone with her. So it's hard to put my feelings into words I guess. She was really sad and I cheered her up a bit once I explained my own confusion more and she eventually said "I think we're overthinking this way too much and we should just go for it since we only have so much longer together anyway. I think we're both just scared not knowing what comes next." Which is great. Because before today when I started just letting go, knowing she didn't care what kind of a relationship it was, I started feeling more free not to try and live up to anything, to just go for it and being all cuddly with her felt great and I didn't feel guilty. But now I do feel guilty about what we talked about today because it's still true. I don't think it would be easy for us to go back to being normal friends even if we tried, and just letting go and not overthinking it sounds great except now I worry because I know I'm not on the same page as her. But the way I felt when I started to just let go felt so much more real and it could totally work out and make us both really happy, I'm just more worried about the way things are. A part of me does feel like maybe something's holding me back from liking her fully, like it was before the last time we talked because that seemed to sort of go away once we were honest about everything. I mean, does it even make sense to think about kissing a person all the time and want to cuddle with them but still just not like them. I don't know. I don't know how to proceed with our relationship because I just feel so guilty now. I know I could stop feeling guilty perhaps if we just went for it without overthinking it, but I'd still worry about us being on different pages in the future. Thanks if you read all this!
