I am getting frustrated with the problems I am having with my family. Sometimes, they will do things that seem accepting and supportive of me, kind of sweet even. Then, there are times like this where I see them for what they are...... My mother used to say things about gays like that she thought two men together was "disgusting" and even on one occasion that it made her "want to wretch". She even made this comment once after I had already told her about my sexuality. When I called her on it, she said she wasn't commenting on my "supposed" orientation, indicating she didn't really believe me. That was months ago, and now things did change for the better somewhat..... or so it seemed. This seemed to be related to some of my clearing up of stereotypes, which was quite successful. Now, it's a bit different. I recently told them how I had a thing for one of my friends, and they seemed to take it very well. My Mom even played a guessing game with me trying to figure out who it was I really found that kind of sweet, and it was a nice atmosphere.... or so it seemed. Earlier on, my Mom also offered to get me nail polish since I painted my nails at that time. That was really kind of sweet too I was feeling fairly accepted.... but maybe prematurely. I was concerned that she had previously made comments of the "want to wretch" variety in earlier times. Her response was that she wasn't grossed out or anything at all, so that was good to hear I was beginning to feel much better...... but it was premature it seems. First, it still seemed good. She was saying that I had a right to do whatever I was going to do with my life as an adult, and that as an adult I can make whatever choices I want to with my adult life. Well, that was good to hear. She said that this wasn't something that she felt she would want to control, also very good to hear. She basically was saying that my adult life is my choice and no one else's She said she is not uncomfortable with me or anything. Although she said that right out of the "gate", she isn't saying she's comfortable with me being in that type of life situation. She seemed to say that she wasn't particularly uncomfortable though Then, she said that "I've had three kids and when you get to a certain point you get numb to things." Wow, I didn't think me and my siblings were such fuck ups that it made her "numb". However, she insisted she wasn't uncomfortable with me because of this. It gets worse though. She says to me that about the idea of me being with a man that she's "not going to give me her blessings" on this, but that parents "don't have to agree on every choice their kids make". She says though that she'd give me her blessings on having a good life. She says she isn't going to try to "undermine" me in this, which almost seems kind of contradictory to "I won't give you my blessings". She says that she'd give me her "blessings" for having a good life basically, but that she isn't giving me her "blessings" on this particular "choice". Her logic is that her feeling this way is okay, because what parent "would not want their kids to not be heterosexual, and want them to possibly live the life of a homosexual". However, her sentiment is that it's my life and she doesn't feel that it's her decision to make. I fucking hate the word homosexual, I don't know why exactly, I just do. Like it's a fucking medical condition or something. Furthermore, she said, "I don't think your in a place where your able to care for someone else whether it be a man or a woman." Well, it was actually kind of nice hearing her say two possibilities like that to be honest. It just made me feel a little better for a little while I also do agree with her, since I currently have some mental health issues that I'm dealing with. I jokingly said, "I wouldn't subject myself to anybody at this point." She kind of laughed but also agreed. She said she didn't feel like it was good to be agreeing with that, but she did. She also said that she'd want that to change in the near future and I would too, of course. She is still also saying that she's not uncomfortable and that she can accept it, but she's said some things that got to me. Then, she is trying to say that I can't understand because I've never had kids so I don't "know what it's like". I tried to say that I wanted a supportive family, and she is trying to say that she is and that I'm not happy with the ways that she is supportive, and she says she doesn't know what I'd want from her. Part of me can understand that they may be shocked, although they say their not shocked. Part of me can understand her when she says it's not the outcome she would hope for if she were writing my life "like a storybook" as she says. I can get where she's coming from on that level. I get where she is coming from on that, and I can kind of understand. I can also understand her being somewhat uncomfortable with concern for my life with something she is not familiar with. I can understand that for sure, and it would seem like the natural reaction of a parent. However, she said some stuff tonight that I just don't get since they have seemed somewhat supportive The comment about the "blessings" just made me uncomfortable, I just don't get it. She's saying she'd still want me to have a good life if that was my way of life, obviously. So what is she not giving her "blessings" to? It seems like a hurtful thing to say though. Also, the "choice" comment just kind of stuck with me, like she really doesn't get it Then, the whole thing about being "numb" struck me as pretty nasty. She's basically saying that I've already been such a fuck up she doesn't care anymore She says that I wouldn't understand not being a parent, and she isn't saying that or isn't saying it's just me, but what does she mean then Plus, if she's not "uncomfortable" as she says she is, then what is there to be "numb" to.
