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I Hate My Parents Now

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Contact1111, Dec 3, 2015.

  1. Contact1111

    Contact1111 Guest

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    They may say that they love me, and I guess they do. I don't love them back though anymore, but I used to love them a lot even yesterday. They have done a lot of things for me, and they've dedicated a lot of their lives to me. However, now I feel like never talking to them again for the rest of my life. They said some upsetting things to me today, and I can't sleep at 5 in the fucking morning. Lately, they have seemed extremely supportive, prior to tonight's bullshit. My Mom and I were playing a guessing game when I told her I liked one of my guy friends. She was trying to figure out who I liked and it was kind of fun. I wanted to paint my nails, and she offered to give me nail polish a few weeks back. She said she accepted me whoever I am with or whatever I do with my life. She has said she would always love me and want to have a close relationship with me. She seems to understand the possibility of me being with another man someday, and she says that she would still accept me. She used to say things about being grossed out by the idea of two men being together, but tonight she told me that she isn't grossed out by the idea of me being like that.

    Then, she told me the bombshell after we had been having a discussion where I was asking her about her views of my telling her about my sexuality. She says she finds the things I have told her about my sexuality "disturbing" and "unsettling". She basically has tried to say that she means that it's "disturbing" in the sense that it is different than what she expected and isn't what she would have "wanted" if she were the one choosing. I genuinely hate her for saying she finds it "disturbing", and I think I will always hate her for the rest of my life. She has said that she sees it as something that she will "deal with" and "come to terms with" or "largely come to terms with". However, she seems to see it as a "disturbing" and negative thing apparently. Well, screw her. I don't love her anymore and I don't think I ever will love her again. I don't love my Dad either, because he has gone along with this, and I don't think I'll ever see him again either. I was happy with her and I thought she was being supportive, but now I'm thinking of just leaving this house and never looking back. I really am considering permanently going without contact with either of my parents now because of what they said tonight. I don't see any possibility of reconciliation under any circumstances. I am no longer part of the family from this moment forward.
     
    #1 Contact1111, Dec 3, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2015
  2. ANerdWhoCares

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    I can imagine what they said was offensive to you, neither of my parents exactly accept the idea of being with a guy either. But I think you're taking what your mom said out of context. Think about it; whats one thing every stereotypical mom wants out of their children?
    Grandkids.

    And biologically, if you were to be in a relationship with a man, that can't happen. That could be why she found it disturbing. Now, i know that surrogate mothers and adoption are an option, but most parents wont accept that possibility right away. That seems to be what she's trying to "come to terms with." From what you've described, you have two loving and supportive parents, who loved you so much that they had dreams for you to live their views of "the good life." I would highly advise you giving them a second chance, I saw your post on the coming out forum about how accepting they were of you. If you give them some more time to think it over, and later tell them how much what they said hurt you, they'll come around in the end.

    Hugs. (*hug*)
     
  3. SemiCharmedLife

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    No parent ever expects their child to be anything but straight and eventually married with kids. That's what your parents are, and their parents were, and so on. It takes a lot of adjustment for parents. It sure did with mibe, especially my mom. For me it took a few months but they came around (I live 2000 miles from my parents so we don't see each other that often, which affected the adjustment time)

    As long as your parents don't disown you, you will be ok. They come around once they have time to process it and shift their expectations. The next little while will probably be tense and awkward but trust me, ride it out and things will be ok.
     
  4. Lin1

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    I think you are HIGHLY overreacting !

    I think a lot of people would be pleased to have a mum as supportive as yours. Of course I can understand that the word 'disturbing' hurt your feelings but you need to understand that your mom grew up in a much more homophobic world than the one we are living in. Homosexuality have always been seen as something 'abnormal' or 'weird' so people from her generation grew up hearing those things.
    I am bi, yet when I started having doubts about my sexuality I also thought that was completely off and that dating another woman was 'weird' not because I was an homophobic cunt, ( I never had any problem with gay people and always supportive of their rights ) but because I had grew up in a world where people expected me to be straight so I expected myself to be straight. I know find it perfectly natural and normal to want to date another woman ( it's actually my preference now so see... :wink: )

    I find it AMAZING that she is willing to get over the false ideas that she's been taught about homosexuals and homosexuality to support her son. Accept the fact that it's also a new journey for her and something she needs time to process and accept/embrace fully and forgive her for not finding the right words right away.

    I plan on going NC with my own mother (for stuffs totally unrelated to my sexuality) so understand how strained relationship with parents can be but I probably would have been more pleased by what your mother said than pissed. She LOVES you, regardless of what her views are on gays, she LOVES you and want to get over it to support you. That's big. Embrace it. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lin1

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    I think you are HIGHLY overreacting !

    I think a lot of people would be pleased to have a mum as supportive as yours. Of course I can understand that the word 'disturbing' hurt your feelings but you need to understand that your mom grew up in a much more homophobic world than the one we are living in. Homosexuality have always been seen as something 'abnormal' or 'weird' so people from her generation grew up hearing those things.
    I am bi, yet when I started having doubts about my sexuality I also thought that was completely off and that dating another woman was 'weird' not because I was an homophobic cunt, ( I never had any problem with gay people and always supportive of their rights ) but because I had grew up in a world where people expected me to be straight so I expected myself to be straight. I know find it perfectly natural and normal to want to date another woman ( it's actually my preference now so see... :wink: )

    I find it AMAZING that she is willing to get over the false ideas that she's been taught about homosexuals and homosexuality to support her son. Accept the fact that it's also a new journey for her and something she needs time to process and accept/embrace fully and forgive her for not finding the right words right away.

    I plan on going NC with my own mother (for stuffs totally unrelated to my sexuality) so understand how strained relationship with parents can be but I probably would have been more pleased by what your mother said than pissed. She LOVES you, regardless of what her views are on gays, she LOVES you and want to get over it to support you. That's big. Embrace it. :slight_smile:
     
  6. AKTodd

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    I've noticed several of your posts on this over the last few days and I have to ask...

    Why does it matter what your parents think about your sexual orientation? If you liked some particular food that they weren't into, it presumably wouldn't bother you all that much, and really sex orientation is not all that different from taste in food when you get right down to it.

    From a tactical standpoint they are neither threatening your safety nor looking to kick you out in the street. Ok, so they aren't doing handsprings of joy around the room. But is their enthusiastic approval really required in connection with every part of your life? And if so, why?

    My mom is totally fine with my being gay and calls my husband her other son. But when I first came out to her, I could tell she wasn't thrilled. It took her a while to get used to it, but she did.

    Give your parents a chance to process things and stop worrying about their approval and resenting them for not giving it. It's your life so live it for you, not for other people.

    Todd
     
  7. Contact1111

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    Yeah, maybe jumping to really hating them was taking it too far. They do seem to be trying to be supportive. She even said that she wants to "provide a foundation of love for me" whoever I with :slight_smile: She also said that it doesn't really make her "uncomfortable", but she did say that right out of the "gate" she'd be somewhat uncomfortable with me being in that type of relationship. She seems to say that she's not reeling from it or anything, but I guess she just still has a little bit of trepidation which is understandable. She said, "Your making a mountain out of a small hill", basically saying that it isn't nothing but she's obviously not overly taken aback. Still, her having voiced her ideas of finding it "disturbing" just really pissed me off.

    I was seriously considering leaving that door and not looking back, but now I can see that I was really overreacting. I get like that a lot, because I have emotional problems and I don't think things through clearly a lot of the time. My Mom said that she didn't think I was ready to be in a relationship with "either a man or a woman" because I'm not really emotionally stable enough right now. Unfortunately, I have to agree with her :frowning2: My therapist hinks I have some type of "mood disorder" and sees that I can be prone to make hasty decisions and statements about things. I'm getting better, but this incident kind of set me back. I was going to storm off for good, but I can see that they really do love me and want me to have a good life. I said that I didn't feel like it was a negative thing and my Mom said, "I'm glad your not feeling negatively about yourself." They're not rejecting me, and they promised me that they wouldn't express their feelings of trepidation to me ever again. We agreed that from now on, we'd just be lighthearted about it and even make some jokes about it to lighten the mood. Since they agreed to this, that's good and it seems like they want to be supportive and loving rather than hostile.
     
    #7 Contact1111, Dec 3, 2015
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  8. Lin1

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    Aw, to be honest your mom seems freaking awesome !!! :icon_bigg

    Hugs to the both you OP !(*hug*)
     
    #8 Lin1, Dec 3, 2015
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  9. Contact1111

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    Oh, thank you. That's nice to hear. Yeah, she's good. I just got a little annoyed before, but I still love my Mom a lot :slight_smile:
     
  10. Rydia

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    Give your mom the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like this is hard for her, but she's trying. I get where you're coming from to some extent.

    I'm not out to either of my parents, but face it, at my age, if they don't know by now, they wilfully trippin down that river in Egypt, but I digress.

    My dad can be a very unpleasant person at times. He makes a lot of racists, homophobic and xenophobic comments around me, even though he knows they bother me.

    My mom is a little more open minded, but she told me she switched her primary care doctor when she found out she was a lesbian because it weirded her out and she'll talk about how "disgusting" she thinks lesbian sex scenes are on TV and such, so I know what it's like for your parents to say stuff like that.

    However, I also feel pretty confident I could tell them tomorrow that I'm a big ole muff divin lesbian and while they wouldn't be happy with the news, they'd support me. Love doesn't always mean accepting everything about your loved ones. I can't accept my dad's views on a lot of things, but I still love him and try to focus on the good qualities he has.

    Same for my mom and her squeamishness about lesbians, even though she has told me she'd be "OK" with it if either of her kids were gay.

    If was to be perfectly honest, the idea of what my parents may or may not do in the bedroom kinda grosses me out, so there it is....that's life. Messy, imperfect, life.
     
  11. Contact1111

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    Just an update on this thread, it got strange again. Well, I have somewhat of a habit of always saying to them, "Would you never speak to me again?" about stuff (not just sexuality related). My Mom gets annoyed with me always, and she often doesn't really answer because she's annoyed with me always asking. She even has said that it's like I have OCD. Anyways, last night I asked my Dad that question about the stuff I had been saying with this. He said that they'd always speak to me, and he seemed to be just feeling like it was a ridiculous question. Then, a weird thing happened with my Mom. When I said to her this morning, "What's your take on what I was asking Dad last night?" She said, "Is it really the most important thing to you whether your parents speak to you?" What? So, it's starting to sound like she's uncertain or something about it :frowning2: Then, she says that she would still speak to me, and she seems annoyed with me for asking the question. Now, here is the weird part. I go upstairs in a bit of a huff. Then, I hear a conversation that went something like this.

    Dad: You say things that incite him. Why are you so vague when he asks this stuff?
    Mom:.......I don't really remember what she said.
    Dad: Why were you acting uncertain about whether we'd speak to him?
    Mom: Well, there would be....at least that's what I heard
    later on....
    Dad asks the same sort of question
    Mom: There's uncertainty in life

    Now, my Mom is saying that she didn't remember saying these things, and she is saying that she would not refuse to speak to me. My Dad is also saying the same thing. My Dad also claims that she said that there wouldn't be uncertainty rather than that there would be. Could I have heard wrong? I don't know? This is just strange. Should I give the benefit of the doubt that I heard wrong? Or are they secretly planning to consider their "option" of disowning me? Or did I hear wrong?
     
    #11 Contact1111, Dec 4, 2015
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  12. Lin1

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    I think you are in full mode panicking and I think you need to take a deep breathe and calm down. I think that's awesome that you came out to your parents as it's never easy but I think you need to understand that it probably took you a couple of years to accept it and then come out and that you need to accept that it may take them a little time to be fully on board as well. Your parents seem willing to do everything to support you which is AMAZING but you keep doubting their words and keep trying to interefer with the time they may need to process the news.
    Your parents haven't said anything terrible yet again you are blowing things out of proportion. From what you say you can tell your parents are trying their best to be supportive. I understand that you would wish they were just naturally on board and didn't have fears or doubts, but that's just not how things are and you need to accept it. You need to grieve the perfect reaction to your coming out you had expected (or wished) your parents to have and they have to grieve the straight son they thought they had and it's fine, but it takes time. It's okay to have doubts and fears and so on because they are your parents, they love you and they know that life would probably easier for you if you were straight so you can't really blame there for maybe deep down wishing that you were. That doesn't mean they don't love you though, actually, it means a lot that they are willing to get over their fears and doubts to support you, but for them to be able to do that, you need to give them time. You need to stop expecting them to give you the perfect answers and have the perfect reactions all the time, because nobody is perfect. Accept that, embrace the support they are trying to give you and relax. Your parents love you, they don't plan on disowning you. Parents who do don't try or fake to be accepting, they just flat out refuse the homosexuality of their son/daughter and tell them to either try harder or get lost. Your parents are trying to be supportive but maybe they are just a bit clumsy with words, all of this is new for them, you have had years to get used to (and be comfortable with) your sexuality. Remember it's not their case.

    It took time for my best friend to accept my bisexuality. Not much but I was very hurt at first that she needed that time to accept me because in my head I was just the same old girl she had always known so I couldn't wrap my head around why she needed time to accept the 'new' version of me. And then I realized that I had needed years myself to accept that part of me and to be able to embrace it. I then realized that by telling her I was bi, I was opening a whole new world of possibilities she hadn't thought of before and at the same time killing the 'straight' versions of me she had always known and the future she had portrayed for me/us. Of course technically I could still end up with a guy and yada yada but for her it means I also could end up with a girl and that's something she hadn't planned and needed time to process. So I gave her her time, didn't mention being bi at all for a while and when she started asking questions is when I knew she was willing to fully accept it and willing to try and understand and embrace it. (She was slightly lesbophobic when I met her so that's a big step).
    I made sure to answer all her questions even if some were definitely clumsily asked and could have hurt my feelings because I realized that she didn't mean no hurt and simply wanted to understand. I had to constantly remind myself that she was straight and that therefore she couldn't feel nor know what I was feeling for other women, that all of this was blurry and confusing and that she needed clarification and It helped a lot actually.
    Right now we are still the best of friends and I actually think that this helped us reach and unbreakable stage in our friendship. Yes the moment she told me she needed time hurt, some of the things she may have said did hurt BUT she wanted to accept me and to support me and this is what mattered. I actually appreciate her support MUCH MORE than the support of people who needed no time to embrace me because I know how much love and efforts she had to put to get to that point and that the biggest proof of love she could give me, the fact that she was willing to overcome her own fears and doubts to accept me.
     
  13. AlmostBlue

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    If you can, it might be a good idea for all 3 of you to sit down with a trusted therapist and talk about these recurring issues. It's clear that you all love each other, but the 3 of you just need to come to an understanding of how to deal with each other.

    It seems that you have issues with insecurity and the need for constant approval, which is a lot to ask of someone, even your parents. You need to be able to adjust your expectations, and see things from other people's perspectives. Your parents, on the other hand, need to acknowledge your vulnerability and the need for emotional support and not get annoyed so easily when you repeatedly ask things. It's when you both make an effort that things will get better, not just one of you.

    I do think your parents are really supportive, from what you've told us. You are lucky to have them, so try not to forget that. It's also great that you are aware of your tendencies and mood swings. I really do hope things will get sorted out for all of you.
     
  14. europeanguy

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    yes it was slightly offensive but she said she would get over the feeling! dont hate her for her initial reaction your mother seems to have made it clear that she accepts you and supports you , she may have said these things and they come out the wrong way but dont hate her for it, she sounds really nice and its a natural thing to be a bit disturbed by it, your her child, mothers always have visions of their children having families and this is just a different possibility to what she was expecting! have you tried talking to her about this? it doesnt seem fair that you should hate her for life just because she said what her initial reaction was and then really supports you.
     
  15. GayPugs

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    If your parents truly love you, they might not like your sexuality but they will make an effort to come to terms with it. I understand how you feel. Talking to my mom is the worst, she acts all, "everything's great" but I get a vibe like, "I hate gay people". All I can say is, don't leave your family. Talk to them instead. Tell them, "What you said to me last night was really hurtful!" and if that's too sappy, put some swears in. Whatever you do, just talk to them. Talking is always better than sitting and seething (which I do often).
     
  16. Contact1111

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    It's definitely seeming like things have changed for the better. I sent them an email that explained things more fully in an accurate manner, and they responded by saying "that all sounds good". Now, things seem to be going alright. I still don't get what I overheard when my Dad asked my Mom something about "why were you acting all uncertain about whether we'd speak to him?" Then, I heard my Mom say something to the effect of, "Well, there would be." Well there would be wouldn't really be an answer that even made sense to the question, so it made me wonder what she was saying "well there would be" about. It made me think that maybe she was saying "well there would be uncertainty about whether we'd speak to him." Then again, she said that there was no uncertainty about this and never would be whoever I am with. So, I kind of doubt that they could be secretly considering cutting off contact with me if I ever was with another guy. That wouldn't really make sense given the fact that they said about my email, "that all sounds good". It wouldn't make sense that they would be secretly considering the option of cutting of contact with me and currently say that they accept me. They seemed to be speaking their mind on things, so it wouldn't make sense that they would just secretly consider this idea. I don't know, it was just weird though what she was saying "well there would be" to exactly. Maybe I got myself all paranoid about telling people and what would happen, and I'm unconsciously trying to poke holes in the idea of it going relatively well. It wouldn't have really fit with the natural flow of completing the conversation to say "well there would be" with regard to saying that she wasn't sure if she would speak to me.