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new relationship problems

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Wren, Dec 5, 2015.

  1. Wren

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    hi guys, could really use some alternate opinions on this one.

    so i met my current girlfriend in august, through mutual friends. we were both in the closet at the time and through drunken bonding we both figured out our mutual gayness and started dating soon after. we've now been together for around 3 months.

    since then, we've both come out to our friends, and i've come out to both my parents (she's come out to her mum). she's a really great girl and i really like her.

    however, she is very averse to physical affection and it's really starting to bother me. when we first started dating, she made it clear that she did not like being touched a lot, especially in certain areas like her knees (weird, i know) and was not into pda at all. that was pretty easy to deal with at first.

    she doesn't feel comfortable around other people, even when we are with mutual friends, and tends to ignore me in favour of other people. she also won't kiss me or hold my hand in these situations. in public, she will hold my hand, particularly in the dark, but will often let go in busy areas. i'm actually pretty fine with this, as i understand we're both newly out.

    however, what really bothers me is when we're alone. occasionally, she's willing to be intimate, even cuddle/make out (usually if we've had a bit to drink), but sometimes she won't even hold my hand and moves away if i try to get close or touch her. today was the first time i've seen her in 2 weeks and she didn't kiss me once even though we spent the day alone in her room. she held my hand briefly when we were watching a film (which i initiated) but otherwise essentially acted as if we were acquaintances. she was also pretty emotionally distant and when her family were around she ignored me entirely.

    this actually ended up really upsetting me and i spoke to about it over text when i got home. i told her how it made me feel like she didn't really want us to be together, but at the same time i didn't want to pressure her into anything she didn't want to do. she seemed to understand how it made me feel, but she couldn't give me a reason why. she talked about how on some days she felt really uncomfortable touching people and that she'd 'had experiences' which might have contributed towards this but then said they 'weren't a big deal' when i asked what they were so idk.

    'I don't know how to explain it because I guess part of me is scared of you but I'm not scared of you' -a text she sent when i asked her if i scared her (i was running out of reasons as to why she didn't want to touch me even though she said earlier in the conversation she liked me and wanted to be in the relationship lol)

    the whole talk was kind of unsatisfying and ended with her basically saying we had different expectations and listing things she thought were more important in a relationship than physical affection, which i said i agreed with. however, for me physical affection is an important part of a relationship. i don't want this to end before its even begun but the way its turning out it seems like it might. can anyone give me any tips on how to better approach this with her/maybe reach a compromise? she seems to understand how i feel but seems unwilling to try and be more intimate with me. thanks if you read all of that lol
     
    #1 Wren, Dec 5, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2015
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey that is a tough situation. Perhaps you could try and ask her if there is something she would find acceptable or which bits she finds most difficult. Maybe ask if it is the way that you approach it that makes it harder and whether there is anything you can do to help or make it easier or more enjoyable for her.

    My only other suggestion for the moment is to try and find out more about what has happened in her past. Say that you know she said it's not a big deal but that you want to understand where she is coming from so you can best make sure not to cause her stress and do things which would upset her. If we knew why she struggles with it I definitely think it would help.
     
  3. idsm

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    It seems to me that she does indeed like you. But she has her own issues. Let the physical intimacy thing aside for now and focus on making her more comfortable around you. If she feels that it´s safe enough to let you in her mind and her past, you will most likely work through everything else.
     
  4. Aspen

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    If lack of physical affection isn't a dealbreaker (and that's something that it sounds like you have to decide), it might be something you have to deal with for now. It's possible she made light of the things in her past by saying the "weren't a big deal" so you wouldn't ask. It's pretty clear that she doesn't want to talk about it. With time, she may be comfortable enough to open up about them to you. If she isn't already, you may want to suggest that she seek professional help. I'd also like to second silverhalo on asking her if there are things or approaches that she'd feel more comfortable with.

    Rather than the lack of PDA, I think the bigger problem here is that she ignores you in favor of other people. It's one thing to worry about drawing attention to the two of you by holding hands in public or to not want to be touched due to past trauma. It's another for her to ignore you and spend more time talking to other people than you when the two of you are out together, especially when it sounds like you aren't able to do so a lot. Maybe the next time you talk you could focus on that and how it makes you feel.
     
  5. Wren

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    thanks for the help guys, much appreciated.

    physical affection isn't a deal breaker for me per se, its just that i think it upsets me when we haven't seen each other for a while and there isn't any. we can only see each other once a week max during term time and to see her i have to take an hour long train if i can't get a lift cause i can't drive.

    i do think the whole 'past experiences' thing is important, i just don't want to feel like I'm pressurising her into revealing shit when she's already seems so closed off at times when we're together. i think i might try to bring it up next time we see her, but she says she's going to a friends house straight after work tomorrow so we can't talk and after that we can't see each other until friday. plus she's not replying to my texts anymore so i don't know whats happening lol.