Let's talk about CHEATING

I have no idea. I really don't. Maybe they get bored and want something different?

 

Cos humans are shit at monogamy, but society expects it of people, so people who aren't suited to it attempt monogamous relationships. Personally I think it's a stupid concept, and have never practiced it (or pretended to). The idea behind monogamy, I think, is essentially that you can own another person's body, something I disagree with.

 

Monogamy isn't about owning someone else's body.

 

Exactly. People go into the relationship and things are all shiny and new and wonderful. And then as soon as they get bored, or things get a little tough, they seek relief from outside the relationship instead of working to fix the problems.

And monogamy isn't about owning someone. It's about both of you agreeing to only be with each other romantically and physically. Been with my girl for 4 years, and neither she nor I would claim to 'own' the other.

 

People don't agree not to have any other friends. Why should sex or relationships be any different? And I'm not saying it's an actual claim people make today, but the origins of monogamy in humans are likely to have been related to that. In that men couldn't tell if a child was theirs, and thus developed monogamy as a method of controlling womens' sexuality and bodies.

And yes, monogamy exists in other animals. But that is actual monogamy, not serial monogamy as humans practice it. And given the rate of cheating, humans have made it pretty obvious we're shit at it.

All that aside, though, I'm not saying people who want to be mono shouldn't. I object to the pressure society puts on people to be monogamous, such that it isn't a free and objective choice. Yes, I think monogamy is stupid, but it's a personal belief. Yes, I disagree with the sexist and heteronormative origins of it, and I don't see the point in it, but if it can be separated from the undesirable aspects of it, I don't have a problem with its practice. Problem is, it usually isn't, and the amount of possessiveness and jealousy I see in mono relationships is troubling to me.

 

I think this is it in a nutshell. I think the societal expectation shoehorns a lot of people into a rather untenable position. Dishonesty with someone you care about is awful--and yet there's a very real societal expectation that you just can't be honest about monogamy not being something one is presently suited for, so people lie. I think it's ironic that as the morality police seem to have finally well and truly found the gay community and as alternative definitions of romantic relationships become less and less common and less and less socially acceptable I suspect people will just cheat more. As someone who has been with my husband for eighteen years and has been monogamous for a long time--and never cheated--the ability to be honest about what we both need, want and think has been critical to that. Taking things off the table before the discussion even starts, it seems to me, only gets in the way of that process.

 

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on the subject. I haven't cheated on someone, and I am rather confident I have never been cheated on.

But... I am no stranger to temptation. And if you ask me, that's usually what cheating is about. Or what it starts off at least. Yielding to temptation. And when you yield to something once, it risks becoming a pattern.



So let me try to look at it as unjudging as I can:

Call me naive, but I don't think the majority of people who cheat are in it for reasons of moustache-twirling vilainness. They don't get into a relationship thinking "And then I'll lie all the time and have action on the side". There's obviously SOME messed-up people out there who do, but I refuse to believe it's the majority or even a plurality.


What I DO know, is that in ANY relationship, there's times when things aren't going as planned. You get into a fight. You end up having to spend extended periods separated. One or both partners are in a funk. Or maybe you get trapped in a routine that becomes a bit of a daily grind.
Love can do a great many things, but it's a lever, not a miracle solution.

And then, one time, you're away from it all, you run into someone who is attractive and nice, and you maybe had something to drink... and you realise that something could happen. And if you're frustrated or anxious or down or insecure enough, you end up going along with it. The future troubles it will cause all seem so very distant, and you could just forget all of them for a few moments.


Don't get me wrong here. I'm not going to say "it just happens". It's always a real, personal choice. And it takes two to tango, so it's a choice of TWO people!
But all of us have moments where we're vulnerable and weak. And you don't know what you'll do until you have had real, true temptation thrust at you.


And then, of course, you realise you made a horrible mistake. And that taking the high road of telling the truth is going to cause a lot of pain and hurt and trouble. And that your partner isn't a bad guy/girl. And that you aren't. And that probably the other guy/girl isn't too.
So you lie. To protect all involved from having to act on the truth. And for a bit, the lie seems to work! No one finds out, you can get back to the life you had. You maybe even resolve to go back to your partner and NEVER talk to the third person again.

But getting off (seemingly) consequence-free lowers the treshold. You'r going to run into the same issues in your relationship as before (because, surprise surprise, you didn't solve them!). You're going to get tempted again. And geting off for free last time makes it EASIER to yield.

And so it becomes a pattern. Until, by the end, cheating is just your regular escape valve for frustrations. And if things have gone that far, it'll take rather a lot of time and effort to crawl back.


What is, in the end, the REAL cheating, is the lying. A relationship means shring your life and thoughts first and foremost. To be authentic, at least to each other.
It starts with little white lies, and it ends with lying as a matter of course. What's even worse is that, growing up in the closet, GLBT people can become frightningly good liars, used to lying their way out of trouble. Add to that emotional repression, and you end up with people who are high-risk for cheating.


Or, at least, that's how I believe it goes. I'm speaking a bit from personal experience here. I HAVE been tempted before. And I know how awfully seductive the mere thought of forgeting your issues for a bit can be.

On one occasion, I was a continent and an ocean away from my boyfriend, we weren't communicating well, there was a lot of unspoken anxieties... and then I found myself drunk with a friend talking about it. And lo and behold, he leans over and kisses me. Smack on the mouth. And for this short, yet almost interminable moment, I'm tempted to just forget about it and give in.

...but I didn't. I told him "thanks for the talk, but I think we best call this a night, OK?". And I went home and called up my boyfriend and told him everything. The thought of lying to him sickened me more than the thought of losing him. And he wasn't exactly happy. But he was also understanding enough of the issues that we spent the next few times honestly talking through our issues. And he definitely appreciated me calling him not ten minutes after I nearly messed up.

So honesty saved me. In fact, I think it was the moment I realised we could be totally honest all the time. And hey, we're still together, years after.
But I can't shake the knowledge that it coudl have gone so horribly wrong if I had been in worse shape that night.

And afterwards, it got easier to be truthful. If I find myself developing an infatuation or crush on a guy, I just tell my boyfriend. And we talk it through. And that robs it of its power. Temptation keeps coming occasionally, but I know someone has my back.



So... yeah. Cheating is bad. But it is important to know how and under which circumstances you could be tempted. And to motivate yourself to tell the truth even when it's inconvenient. Especially in a relatonship. Because it can happen to anyone.

 

This is something I'm honestly struggling with. I have always considered myself fiercely monogamous. Am I? Or is that part of the game of pretend I've played all my life?
I'm questioning everything about myself. This is part of that questioning.
I'm finding that I would have no problem having an affair with a married woman. A particular woman, that is, not in general. Many of us are trying to figure out what to do about hetero relationships, and let's be honest, many of us are considering cheating.
I've ended the hetero relationship I was in, but he hasn't. So is me sleeping with a woman cheating? I have no idea.
I don't feel as though I am poly amorous but I don't know if I am monogamous. Maybe I was never interested in any other men because it was hard enough coping with one, without trying to juggle two. So would I be monogamous within a f/f relationship? I hope so, but I've never been tested.

 

Confession: I have a BF who I like very much but to be honest I do not love him.
I have best friend who I love but I can not tell him since he might be straight.
If my best friend told me that he is gay/bi I would probably break up with my bf to be with him. But now I think my BF is very good guy to have a relationship so I am with him.

 

Not everyone who cheats, knows it from the beginning of the relationship. Sometimes it happens so unexpectedly, a sudden falling in love that none of the three people involved are quite sure what's happening. Cheating is often viewed as disrespect and just being an asshole. And sure, if you are the one being cheated on, it feels that way.

 

There are two distinct topics here which I think are being a bit confused. The question is pertaining to cheating, whereas some of the discussion pertains to monogamy. Now, there is certainly some degree of overlap, but they are also mutually exclusive topics as well.

In regards to cheating, where someone is being deceitful, there certainly are moral implications. Someone whom is cheating is doing a disservice to themselves and the relationship they are in. I do believe in open and honesty in a relationship, and cheating goes against that notion.

Seeking seeking sex outside of a relationship, to the extent it is done on a consensual basis, without passing any judgment, would be ok from my standpoint given the consensual nature between two adults.

Some people can be monogamous, others have sexual drives the dictate the need to seek sex above and beyond the relationship. To each their own in my mind so long as it is done honestly with transparency.

 

Maybe because they're with someone of a different sexual libido to them [which is biological] and since dating sites and people don't ask for things like this, it creates a discordance in the relationship when the libidos are different e.g. a B and an F [on the Kinsley advanced].

 

I've been pretty honest on here before, so I'll just roll with that. I've cheated. Think what you want of me, and I won't throw out a million excuses to justify it, because at the end of the day, it is what it is. Sure, in my head, at the time, I said it wasn't cheating because I was only sleeping with men and not women, and thus getting what I couldn't from my girlfriend/fiancee/"wife." I said it wasn't cheating because it was "just sex" and that made it okay because sex isn't a big deal. I said it wasn't cheating because my libido is stronger than my partner's and thus it made sense as oppose to pressuring her for more sex.

But the truth is, it's not something I've ever felt good about. The lying takes its toll. And while you feel like your relationship is perfectly fine - who doesn't have a few secrets? - really, you're probably just ignoring a whole lot of other problems that you have that should make you realize this relationship isn't working.

I don't know if monogamy is for me. Sometimes I think with a guy, I could totally do monogamy. I'm not sexually attracted to women enough to think I'd miss sex with them if I were dating a man, and I'm pretty sure I'd be satisfied sexually with a guy I was having regular sex with (my libido could still be an issue, but even that has calmed down a bit over time). I often think I'm just one of those guys who has cheated because I want to be with men, and it's easier than just owning that fact and going for it romantically as well as sexually.

Maybe I just need to learn to own my own dealbreakers in relationships and not be so scared of being alone.

 

Ryuji335, Being a muscular/gym addict type of guy in of itself does not predetermine someone to cheat. Maybe you see that type of image when you open up apps, but I would not conclude off that bat that someone has a propensity to cheat because of their physical attributes. Its the intellectual and emotional attributes that determine how someone behaves.

i can appreciate your concern about being cheated on. But I am curious, why is it such a significant concern of yours? I tend to look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. And based on my judge of character seek out people that have a strong heart and moral fiber (i.e. my partner). Now, that said, my partner is also EXTREMELY attractive (at least to me), and I never really concerned myself about his desire to cheat, nor has he ever given me any reason for me to believe he would never be honest with me.

 

Ryuji335, Being a muscular/gym addict type of guy in of itself does not predetermine someone to cheat. Maybe you see that type of image when you open up apps, but I would not conclude based off of physical attributes that someone has a propensity to cheat. Its the intellectual and emotional attributes that determine how someone behaves.

i can appreciate your concern about being cheated on. But I am curious, why is it such a significant concern of yours? I tend to look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. And based on my judge of character seek out people that have a strong heart and moral fiber (i.e. my partner). Now, that said, my partner is also EXTREMELY attractive (at least to me), and I never really concerned myself about his desire to cheat, nor has he ever given me any reason for me to believe he would never be honest with me.

 

Being cheated on and then being lied to about it is probably one of the most painful things in life to endure. To me, it's like murder, only emotional murder.

If you are going to cheat... be up front and let the person know you are leaving the relationship. Don't sneak behind their backs. At least have enough respect for yourself and the other person to be honest.

I was cheated on in one of the worst ways possible. Yes, I was willing to forgive, but it didn't save the relationship. The other person moved on to the other relationship which lasted all of 5 months!

Result: I am celibate and will not be pursuing another love relationship for the rest of my life. When you've been to Paris... and have had the heck bombed out of it.... you pretty much want to just find a cozy little cabin in the woods and settle down there by yourself ya know.

I can have friendship and family and spiritual love relationships. I've had enough romantic love in my lifetime.