I just wrote this an hour ago, and I wanted to share it where others may benefit from it. What I've learned about being in a heterosexual relationship and confessing to her that you are bisexual and feel a need to explore, is that 100% upfront open honesty is so vitally important. That is really easy to say though. The act of actually putting it all on the line is really hard, at least for me. If you're scared, lost, frustrated, and/or full of conflicting emotions, this may give you another point of view to help sort it all out. Good luck, you'll be alright Real Talk: I can’t really focus, and when I do the moment soon becomes blurred with the thoughts and images of her. The beauty, The love, The never ending connection that at this moment is being severed, torn and ripped apart very, very slowly. This is the worst painful death there could be. A history of love and romance that seems to be ending right now. This is today. Yesterday we were great, but we started searching for more. An idea that started as a joint effort last summer, and has now been initiated by I. I did it. I pulled away, and now she has too.. but the dance goes on. We swing, we rock, we come, and we go. It seems like an oblong orbital where we swoop into each other real tight, and then Poof~~ lost in space again, drifting away and away… I could stop this. I could tell her “Fuck this, you’re all I need, come here and I will stay. I Promise”. . . . . The problem here is that I can not make that promise. I can’t make the promise that I will not wander off again. Even with the gut wrenching pain and fear of losing something so damn rare and unique in this world. It’s like I can see it happening and know it’s happening, yet I am still being pulled away. Why can't I stop it? Why can I not let go of everything and be fine with what I have; Our relationship is so amazing. People search their whole lives for what we have experienced and what we have. Has it been wasted on our youth? We met at 19, and now at 23 we are experiencing another growth spurt that is charging our innards with fire and Lewis and Clark style motivation. They tell me it’s not wrong. You’re young and need to explore. I agree. But I don’t want to believe it. Within myself, I don't want it. I really really don’t want it… This is that argument. Is the Mind one with the Body? My head is telling me to stay, but my heart is saying go. I love her and want nothing more than to grow old with her, have kids with her, travel with her, build a home with her, LOVE her, stay married to her… I could tell you so many amazing reasons that I love her and want to be with her, and for her to be with me. She could spit back just as many reasons. For her, I am enough. Why is that not the case for me? Why is my soul being split right now? I just don’t even know man, I don’t and the worst part is I fully understand the severity of what I am doing, the loss that is at stake. It scares the shit out of me, like a little kid running from a monster in his nightmares just to find themselves hidding under the covers on their bed. A blanket of safety from the chaos in the world. Kids sense this. From a young age, they instinctually know that this world is full of chaos and the struggles that lie ahead. Crazy. So where do I go now. Should I stay or should I go? We’re both making connections and exploring how deep our energy can go with others. She tells me about her dates, the connections she is making. I don’t get mad, I hardly even get jealous. I know that she is happy in those moments. And that’s truly what I want for her. I can make her happy. I do make her happy and when we are together, it’s fucking fire! So much passion and energy, like nothing either of us have ever felt. It melts me. Makes me free and completely content with life. But I am now living at UCLA and she is in san diego. This distance between us has brought out my weakness. I can stay in the moment, any day, but in that moment when she is gone, my heart wanders. To her, it shows that I don’t care enough about us to stay. Weakness? Explorative nature? Bisexual tendency? I explained my situation to a friend yesterday for the first time. Coming out to a girl I married and at the time had been with for three and a half years. Later confessing I had cheated. Staying with her as she went through the emotions of hurt, anger, frustration, pain, sadness, many tissues not used at the expense of her puffy eyes. But we stayed together. SHE stayed, because the energy is so strong - The connection - The fit - And she saw that I was very upset and mad at myself for allowing this to happen . . . I should not have selfishly put her through what I did. I should have came clean year one and said “Look, I know this hurts but I’m bisexual and my heart is telling me that I need to explore that side of me, because I never have”, but I didn’t want to lose her, because I knew what we had was fire, and so I tried to cope. I cheated. I buried the act deep deep down and convinced myself that it was okay. Then we got married and it all surfaced and threw me under water, deep over my head. So I caved and came clean. Now, I am faced with a swirling pot of emotions. Literally two days ago I was on the phone with her crying because I was so sad and upset that this is happening. That we are exploring outside of each other, when we are perfectly capable of making each other happy, but for me, honestly and truthfully, it is not enough. I am so afraid of letting this go and looking back ten years from now kicking myself in the ass for not having the strength to stay. But at the same time, I am afraid if I stay, I’ll be looking back ten years from now wishing I would have stayed strong and let her go. But at this point, she can’t put all her eggs in my basket, so I am just one of her dates as she is “single and mingling”. I don’t trust myself and know that I could very easily hurt her again if she put her life on hold for me, and I don't want that, so I am okay with it. She went on a date that same night, to a drive in movie. It was a second date with a guy that she confessed she likes and enjoys being around. I was fine with it, and it partially prompted me to find a date for the evening as well. I did. He came over. We watched a movie. We made out. We pleasured each other. We hugged. We had sex. The energy, the fire, the passion.. All of it was there, and in that moment, everything changed. This guy and I had made a connection but it was too soon to know. She and I talked about this after her date. We both ended up making strong connections that night, and were actually happy that we were on the same page. The next day she and I talked all day; On the phone, texting, snap chatting, face time. All of it. We were in tune with each other. At the same time, we were talking to our other connections as well. I was talking with him. All day, off and on. And then we got together again at night. The energy that was sparked the night before never stopped and we fed it even more. Deep conversation, laughs, eye-locking good energy. By the end I was overwhelmed with emotion and fire. It was hot and I felt myself falling. But I called her. I wanted to check in on her cause I knew she was dealing with a bad situation at home. She didn’t want to talk to me. She told me not to talk to her the next day either. This sucks, It literally is the worst situation I have ever been in. Love. I never understood “Love hurts” until this. Therapy, friends, hook ups, nothing can make the decisions for you. It’s all on you. Your mind, your emotions, your ideas, your dreams, your passions, it’s all on y o u. And that’s a lot to handle. But what I’ve been learning is that you can’t convince yourself that you are “bad” or “fucked up” for going through this. Your heart, your instincts - you can’t control that. You can control your actions. And it becomes bad when your actions conflict with what you truly want. Don’t fight yourself. Don’t fight yourself. If you know what’s good for you and you know what’s true, just do it. Right? But with situations like these, there is not right or wrong decision. The fucked up part is that any decision you make is going to give you the full effects of yin and yang. There will be happiness and there will be pain. . . .. . . . . . Feel free to comment and take this further. I wish you all good luck and positive vibrations. Just stay in the moment. Don’t fight what you are feeling and thinking, and be very bluntly open and honest about it. Don’t spare your feelings and your passions for the sake of saving someone from hurt. If there is going to be pain, there is going to be pain. The longer you put that off the more pain there is going to be for both. Be strong my friends, try to stay positive, and TALK ABOUT IT!!!
