Hey guys, it's me! Right so I have problem. It's that I just can't ever fit in Completely with any group of people EVER. I always stick out for some reason, and I don't know if I'm imagining it or not GRRR. As a little kid, I don't remember too well if I was much good at making friends...I remember I got into a fight, but I also had a friend, who's now forgotten about me probably cuz this was in kindergarten/grade 1. So I guess I was okay. But when I was 7 and my family moved to Canada. And ever since then I've just never felt so comfortable in a public/social setting. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, I'm too shy to talk to people because I just have this gut feeling that mabye everyone hates me, and they'll get mad when I joke around with them. When I first moved to Canada, I think this is the first impression of kids I got here, and it's stuck with me since. I'd always have this false belief that I was somehow "better" than them because I had been raised with "manners" and whatnot. I always felt different, because I believe I was made to feel different. So i kinda withdrew myself. I just read big books on history, literature, world cultures, and religion, and stayed in my room. Also, i don't feel that much welcome in my family, because they're so ignorant about the outside world , and gay people, which is something that I am. Sometimes, I just feel that when I grow up I should just move out to somewhere far away and loose all contact with them. I hate my family,sometimes. They're so superstitious and over religious, to the point I kinda don't even want to identify with that stuff anymore( where Muslim.) occaisonally I get Maliced because I'm "disrespectful" and "rude" even though I'm just speaking my mind. My parents have threatens to disown me on a regular basis. And my mom has slapped me several times. So yeah, that's the basic jist of my life, it's more complicated than this, but then this post would be WAAAAY too long. Because of all the above experiences, I've always felt like a sort of social reject, like I don't belong anywhere, or my opinion doesn't matter, or I should just shut my mouth for life or Smthn. As a result I have BAAAD SOCIALIZING SKILLS. I don't talk to people much in school, because I always feel like I'm interrupting people's conversation. I don't share my opinion because other people who have loud voices(usually girls) talk first and put me off, and are so rude when you disagree with them! To make matters worse, I stammer, and have a heavy tongue, which means I talk too fast and slur my words, so people barely understand me clearly. Also, I can't keep convos going for more than 3-6 short sentences. And I'm bad at giving eye contact. People say I sound like I'm brushing them off when I talk, but the real problem is that I'm not used to having someone to talk too, that's all. Also, I grew up in Saudi, where you can NEVER talk to teachers casually. I still find it wierd that people do that here. Mabye it's because I don't say much in class, that's why some of my teachers don't pay much attention to me, except when I ask for help? Finally, people say I'm sensitive. I get mad easy. Apparently having a deep voice means you sound agnroer all the time than you actually are. I hate my voice because of this. Can anyone help me on any of the following problems I have? Thx, Beastwith2backs. In conclusion, I think I might be suffering from some sort of personality disorder, or schizophrenia or Smthn. Do you think this is the case? Thx again! Any answer will do!
First of all. (*hug*) everything will be just fine. I can understand some things you are going through. I grew up in an orthodox, traditionalist family (I'm Hindu). So growing up my sister and I had strict upbringing, tons of rules and yes we got punished for disobeying our parents and breaking rules. I had my fair share of slaps, sharp beats with a stick and hangar. While some look at this as abuse by parents, I like to think that my mother and father doing that did change some things in me positively. I'm not swearing by physical punishments, but they didn't do much harm in my case. As for being awkward, I was in four schools, six cities and 2 countries before I was 10 years old. When I came back to India, I couldn't fit in with the other kids at school and then later college because my upbringing was different. Whether I denied it or not, I had more exposure and a different primary education and a different environment than them. It showed. Making friends was hard. I was teased for my opinions and was called a Non-Resident Indian for a long time even though I wasn't one. I realised the problem I wasn't able to make friends and be open with everyone was because subconsciously I was judging everyone I met. And while it's ok in some situations, that obviously wasn't good when I wanted to make friends cause I was always in the attitude that I was changing myself and "lowering" myself and my dignity to hang out with them and to reach their levels and mindsets. Call me a snob, but I wasn't one. I was just so culturally different from my peers that I couldn't match myself with them. As for talking to teachers, I actually found talking to them much easier than the other kids at school. I would spend break time and lunch time rooting out teachers and talking to them. You don't have to feel like a social reject. It's just that I feel your perspective of people is different and maybe like me, you're judging them too much. Like anaylzing if they're good enough to be your friends. By this, I mean matching your mindset and interests. I WILL SAY that I may be wrong about this. But this is my opinion. I don't think your suffering from a personality disorder. It is possible for people to go through something you are going through. I think it's normal. Feel free to find me here on EC. I'm available to talk if you want to. .
Yeah, I guess you're right about the whole "not meeting my standards" thing. I think it's because my parents taught me that when I want to make friends, I should always screen them to see what kinda person they are, if they are "good" or "bad", instead of accepting them for they are. This has resulted in few friends, as you know. What do you think I can do to change this? I think you've found the answer to most of my social problems ( which is, "I need to lower my standards") and for that I think you're a genius! P.S.: what's it like being gay in India :icon_bigg
I'm a wrong person to ask the question of how to gain friends. . I'm not very sociable, even when I try really hard because of me being in the closet and everything. It's also because I don't go to Bars, I don't drink a lot of stuff, I'm unemployed presently while all my "friends" are employed. So it hurts my emotions and my ego when I go out with them. I still ask my parents for money and try to get on by whatever freelance/part-time stuff I do what I can get. And when my friends ask me to come out every other week I don't really have a lot to spend. What ever I have is basically used for buying stuff for my job, paying for online classes and filling petrol in my car. And it doesn't help that most of my friends work at their jobs really really hard and want to unwind on weekends by going to clubs and partying hard with booze. I usually join them when we make lunch plans or dinner plans or movie plans. But anything beyond that is a no from me. So I see them even less now. All of them meet more frequently so it's natural I'm slowly disappearing from their group. It hurts, but it's the truth and I'm ok with that. In one way It's good for you. I'm saying this because you're still young. You have a chance to make friends and feel comfortable around them. Sure not being out of the closet isn't a small thing weighing on your emotions and your conscience when you're out around people, but it is manageable. I've come to terms with my sexuality and my gender, though I still slightly question it, and have been in the closet. It's been 10 years . So I'm comfortable with it. I feel like I'm used to closing my emotions and putting on another face. Though it's not healthy at all, I have 2 faces. One I show myself whenever I'm private and one I show the world (including my loved ones). It's not healthy to do so. But I still am. You said your parents taught you to "screen people". Unfortunately that is a problem. Because consciously or unconsciously you begin to judge them by screening them. It becomes even hard to think that they are deserving of your friendship (Trust me. That's how the mind works in "Screening Mode") if they don't fulfill the criteria of friendship in your mind. It's going to be slightly difficult to not screen/judge, but you have to stop doing it. To make it easier I'd suggest limit your screening to Good/Bad. Judge them solely on whether you think they're being nice to you or if they're being rude or condescending. Stop there and proceed. Don't judge any further. Once you get to know them, talk to them. Then things will be better. When I stopped myself from judging, I just met a group of friends and decided they were nice. I spoke to them and we had a nice time talking. When I was driving home I was judging them. How were their clothes? How were they all talking? Did they mispronounce any words? What were they saying about the last movie they saw? Somewhat like that. I dissected everything that happened, but I did it after I met them, not while I did. So that made it easier since I had a "sample" to compare to. I could compare my judgement of them to actually meeting them and having a judgment/screen free meeting. It'll take some time, but trust me, that definitely works. I know you might get confused or think what the heck did this guy just write or something. LOL. Sorry for that. I tend to express my feelings a lot in writing when I see something I know I relate to. As for what it's like being gay in India. I'll post it on your wall.
No no, I'm not confused just that I like to hear about people who had similar experiences as me. It make me feel less alone you know? Also thx for the help, I really took so then out of your post!
I think I used to feel more like you do because I felt so different from people. And blocking people from being close to me felt more safe. That can make you get in a mindset where you think no one understands you or would like what you have to say, but when you get to know people you see everyone struggles. Some people have different struggles and some people hide it, but everyone has them and you're most certainly not alone. If ever you're worried about something or self conscious about something, it's certain that someone else somewhere has felt or is feeling the exact thing as you and struggling with it. You're not alone and people are more accepting than you think if you learn to let people in more. That's hard but certainly possible with practice. I started feeling better when I became closer to someone and began telling them things I'd always kept in my own head. Be honest with yourself and what you're feeling and don't be hard on yourself. Everyone's human including you
Hey, sharing experiences is what this forum is all about. I have no qualms sharing mine. . No Problem.
@bubbles, but the things I can't come close to anyone because I don't know who to come close to! Everyone seems to just wanna be another contact on your phone or someone you know about just because. I want a true friend who actually cares about me and how I feel, and who I could personal stuff without fear of their reaction. I've never really had someone like that in my life. ---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 01:13 AM ---------- Also, Phoenix, you said you Hindu right? Just out of curiosity, what do Hindus believe? How do you guys worship? And stuff basically what's the religion? I bet it must be way different than Islam....(off topic, but I didn't know what else to write lol.)
