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Scared of intimacy?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ParrotBrat, Dec 11, 2015.

  1. ParrotBrat

    Regular Member

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    Me: Early 20s. Virgin. Kissed my current girlfriend twice. Cuddle with her and sleep in same bed.
    Her: five years older. A few past relationships and hookups with men.

    I'm terrified and anxious about being intimate with her because of my lack of experience. I find myself thinking about things I'd like to do in the moment, but I do not act on them. I'm afraid of touching her in case she gets mad, even though she's quite handsy with me and suggests she'd like to get more physical, but she's respectful of me being "newly gay" and new to intimacy as a whole. She's taking it slow for my sake.

    Part of me panics because I feel like I want the freedom to hook up with random people and experiment for the sake of experience but I don't want to hurt her. When we first talked about our feelings for each other I mentioned maybe a somewhat open relationship and she seemed receptive. More recently it was brought up again and she said she might be less cool with me having random hookups now than she was at first. I feel trapped and anxious. I guess I'm afraid of ruining our relationship due to my lack of experience? I have this mindset of I want to date her but only after having a fling or two, because with her it's a serious relationship. But I also feel I should be glad to have found a serious relationship? Its like I'm paralyzed for fear of making a mistake and hurting her. I'm very confused and sad. Considering a therapist.

    Part of the issue too is our busy schedules and the distance. It's not a casual drive. We don't see each other every week and when we do we're usually together 24/7 for 2 or 3 days and I find that imbalance exhausting. Like she interrupts my routine rather than being part of it (we've discussed this and she did she feels the same). I feel I'd be more comfortable with a more traditional dating structure, or something.

    Edit: part of me worries I may be straight. And that's why I wish I could hook up with a few random men and women. I don't want to experiment with my gf and learn I'm straight after messing with her heart.

    Thoughts?
     
    #1 ParrotBrat, Dec 11, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2015
  2. Hexagon

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    Ok, so I was in your position pretty recently. Really quite closely, including not being of a monogamous temperament. I had sex for the first time over the summer, which was while drunk with a guy who I'd met that day. I'd never had a relationship. In september I met someone who was far more experienced than me. I was apprehensive, worried that I wouldn't meet their standards, aware that I didn't really know how to get anyone with a vagina off, worried what they'd think of me for asking etc.

    What I've learnt: Communication is the most important thing.

    Your girlfriend was once in your position. Tell her that you're worried about your inexperience. Everyone starts somewhere; if she's a decent person, she'll understand that, and when it does come to intimacy, she'll help give you that experience. Tell her precisely why you want to hook up with people, maybe (if it's true) say that the hook-ups won't be so important when you feel more experienced. But equally don't give all your ground, and don't apologise for your nature. You got into this relationship in the understanding that it would be somewhat open. If a compromise needs to be made, you should both give ground.

    In regards to taking things further, I think you need to find a middle ground between not doing anything you don't want to, and pushing yourself a little. You do seem to want to take things further, and only taking things further will lessen your anxiety and inexperience. I'd probably advise doing it for the first time with someone you trust, who actually understands why you're apprehensive, but it's up to you.