When I was a teenager I went through this dark time where I hardly spoke to anyone, I would just come and sit on the couch and read. The only emotion that I showed was anger. If I had told them then that I was depressed and needed to speak to someone they would of believed me no doubt. I didn't, though, I held it in. Even on the days when I wonder which would be the quickest and most painless way to die, I couldn't tell them. Eventually, through the process of making a friend at school and getting along better with my brothers, that dark cloud lift. I thought I had moved past my depression. I see now that I had just pushed it to the background. I found ways to be happy, but it was always there. This shadow that only made itself known from time to time. Now I'm in my twenties and I can feel it clearly. Bouts of sudden sadness, irrational anger and easily annoyed, days where I just want to sleep, and the many times through out the week where I think I wish I were dead. And through out all this the feeling that life is pointless. There are days when it is so strong that I know I need to ask for help, but when I think about telling them I know their response. "What do you have to be depressed about?" "It's just a phase." "You just want attention" "You don't act depress." "You don't look" "I know you and there is no way you are depressed" And I know I won't be able to defend myself. My reasons for being depressed seem so stupid, so small. -I want to go to college, but my family would never agree to that, not for what I want to major in anyway. -I want to move out of SC. But my family would only tell me I am crazy. Why would I want to move so far away. -i am bound by my family. If they do not agree or accept something then I can no do it. It is infuriating, and they have no idea how their carelessly thrown out words can cut me open. They think we all think alike, and if I provide a different POV then I am being stubborn. It is the same with my brother. He wants to go to school, he wants to be a scientist. It is his passion. He talks about science nonstop and doesn't realize our family find him strange. When he is not there they talk behind his back, and I get scorned if I defend him. Me and him, we aren't people happy to live in the country and gossip about our neighbors while posting on Facebook about soap operas. We have dreams and want to see the world. For that we are strange to them. -i am trans. I am transgender and I am afraid to come out for much of the reasons that I am afraid to tell them I am depressed. But I can't not tell them because I can't keep being introduced as daughter and niece. I hate being called a beautiful lady when I post a picture, pictures I am proud of because of how male I look. I know this is turning into a rant. Sorry. I don't know if I am making any of this up or not. Its not like I walk around all doom and gloom. I smile and make jokes when around others. Its just when I'm alone that everything seems so pointless.
You can have depression without having any "reason" to be depressed. Although you may have issues that are directly bearing down on the you at the moment that are stressing you by the sound of it If you feel it is serious, why not speak to an expert in the subject. First to satisfy yourself about your wellbeing, and secondly to convince your family you have this to deal with. Then they would believe you and not be so dismissive. Also it will give you a grip on what is going on and maybe some avenues will open up to you to help with recovery. A gender therapist perhaps. Or some short term meds to help with your mood. This is a good time in your life to make a plan that involves your passions for your life, education, career and maybe bring forward the day you move out of the family home. All this might be very freeing for you.
