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Advice needed

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by someoneus86, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. someoneus86

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    I posted about my friend before, but I am horrible at realizing when people like me or are flirting with me or I'm just in denial of it.

    What are some general signs that a guy is interested in you as more than a friend?

    For example, I posted about my confusing friend before and how he makes it a point to change in front of me under a towel every time he showers no matter if I'm in his kitchen or living room, liked to sleep in the same bed as me and has cuddled up to me with his head on my chest once when we were sleeping. I even woke up once to him spooning me and I thought he was getting excited to which he quickly turned the other way. He also constantly has his hands in his crotch like he's trying to hide himself whenever we hang out on my bed. When at his house, he throws sweat pants on and 'secretly' plays with himself under a blanket while I am next to him on his bed watching tv.

    I told him once that I thought I was bi and jokingly said that if he switched sides that we could date, he responded to get that idea out of my head as he liked vagina too much. But that was when he started cuddling up to me and getting close to me when we were sleeping.

    Would those be some pretty good indicators that he might be interested in me or does this sound like something a straight guy would do?

    What confuses me is he has lately been giving cold signals such as not wanting to stay over anymore ( told me he didn't mean never ), not talking to me as much and not seemingly as excited to talk or hang out with me, and if he does find time to hang out with me, it's usually late at night and for only 2-3 hours. But it's not just me, he distanced himself from a mutual friend of ours as well and he spends a lot of time just playing video games instead of hanging out. We both think he's been different and seems sad and like he's dealing with something in his head.

    Would those signs indicate anything? Maybe that he likes me and is scared or trying to process it or maybe he just wants me as a friend? He does have some serious ADD and shuts down if he has to process too many things at once.

    I'm not sure what to do or how to proceed with him to figure out if he's still interested in me? I definitely don't want to directly push the subject with him as that would probably really push him away. He is coming over tomorrow night finally to hang out for a few hours though.
     
  2. ANerdWhoCares

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    Sounds to me like he's facing that depression that we've all felt; being in the closet. This is just my gut feeling, but hear me out on this one;

    To start, can you think of any straight guy that would willingly spoon with their bisexual friend? I know lots that JOKE about it, but never actually act on it. If he turned away after you woke up, and realized you caught him, it seems to me like he was feeling ashamed, and started telling himself he was straight again.

    Secondly, being with you in bed, you've described that he plays with himself when near you, and tries to hide his "excitement" around you. Assuming this is true, the human body doesn't lie, you're attractive to him one way or another. :wink:

    And lastly, the distancing. I know this feeling all too well. When I was closeted, I would spend 90% of my time on my laptop playing World of Warcraft for hours on end trying to distract myself from the truth, the other 10% was eating, and other necessities of living.

    This sounds to me like a cry for help. He sounds like he needs you there to help him, but he doesn't wasn't to accept how he feels for some reason. Growing up in a predominantly anti-LGBT world makes people feel ashamed of what they are, and wonder "why me?" Just let him know you're there for him, and if he wants to talk about something, no matter what it is, you'll still think of him in a good way (friends or maybe more... :wink: ). Being told that you're an ally to turn to could be all that he needs to accept whatever he's hiding.

    Good Luck! (*hug*)
     
    #2 ANerdWhoCares, Dec 12, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2015
  3. Spartan 117

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    While some of the things that you described could indicate someone struggling with their sexuality, unfortunately none of that stuff is conclusive. :icon_sad: I know it's confusing when somebody gives you mixed signals - but there's no way to really know what's going on in his head unless you ask him directly. You might not want to do that right now - if he is indicating that he wants some space from you right now, you might decide not to apply additional pressure by asking if he's attracted to you.

    Instead what I'd suggest is that you try and subtly tell him that you've noticed that he's been a little more distant - and that you're here for him if he ever wants to talk, about anything. You can't force him to tell you what's on his mind, but if you let him know that you're here for him, hopefully he'll come to you when he is ready to talk. :slight_smile:
     
  4. someoneus86

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    @Spartan 117 - While it wasn't subtle as it was when we had an argument, I did tell him a few weeks ago that he seemed more distant to me and that I wasn't sure what is going on with him, but he could tell me if something was wrong or bothering him. He replied that nothing is wrong or different or changed and he was just busy and stressed with work and that I need to understand that he doesn't need to talk to people everyday that he could go weeks without talking to someone. So we went from talking a lot to now barely talking a few times a week.


    @ANerdWhoCares - I've never really slept with anyone before that has done this, but I'm not sure what people do in their sleep or if he was awake the whole time and pretending to be asleep? I believe early on in our friendship he once told me that he cuddles in his sleep or something. But that was the first and last time that he cuddled me.

    I'm not really sure if he was spooning me on purpose or if he just turned that way in his sleep or if I'm making excuses. I didn't notice until I went to move away from the edge of the bed and bumped into him and then noticed/felt that he was getting 'excited' pretty fast to which he immediately turned on his other side away from me.

    I forgot to mention the one time that I stayed over his house and forgot to bring clothes, he gave me a pair of 'tightish' shorts that left nothing to the imagination to change into. So I changed in front of him and noticed that he was pretty much only looking at below the waist. Then told me that I had them on backwards (there was no tag!). That night was when he cuddled up to me and then I thought he was masturbating while having his back leaned up against me. Then he must've gotten curious as I felt him move his arm in his 'sleep' and conveniently and quickly brushed his hand against my crotch.

    The last time he was over we were watching tv and I looked over and caught him just staring at me like he was deep in thought. Then I would catch him glancing at me every now and then and he became quiet but also kept his hands in his crotch.

    In regards to him not accepting it, I did notice that when I first met him, he was really desperate for a GF and always saying he needed to get laid at least once a month or so. A friend of mine noticed that he always tried to go after girls which he wouldn't have a chance with as they were unavailable or out of his league. However, he seemed to have brought home a girl every few months to have dinner with his family and then came up with an excuse on why he can't date them. He also use to ask me to go to the strip club with him in the beginning which I declined. However, he hasn't gone on any 'dates' or hookups from what I know since September. He just works, goes to the bar every Friday with his friends (he doesn't want to invite me for some reason and refuses to say why), and plays games when he's at home.

    He's the golden child of his family and the only male child and I know his mother and step-father love him to death and they have friends that are gay. I think his stepfather even teased him in a kind way hinting that he needs a BF or something along those lines. But I've never heard them talk negatively about gay people, but then again, I don't know them as well as he does. One time I even teased his mom that he was going to have a gf by the end of the year and she stated that's probably not going to happen.

    Furthermore, he has a half-brother whom is gay and lives with his father. Although from what I know, my friend hates his half-brother apparently because he said something about my friend's family.

    However, like I said, if he is interested in me, he sure is showing quite the opposite these days. He went from begging me to hang out and stay over his house to not really wanting to talk to me or hang out.

    Shouldn't people who like you want to hang out with you somewhat often and want to talk to you a lot to build a friendship/relationship even more? Or is this the type of behavior someone exhibits if they are in denial or struggling or something?
     
  5. ANerdWhoCares

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    Don't take it too personal. It sounds like he's struggling with something, and whether that's being closeted, or something else, you should make the effort to be there for him. Even if he makes it seem like he doesn't want you there, sometimes it's reassuring for people to know someone cares.

    If he's trying to distance himself from you on purpose, then your time to confront him about this may be running out. This may be a bit bold, but try to question him about these encounters that you've listed. No matter what he responds as an excuse, just end it with "you know, if you like me in that way, I'm okay with it." Keep a level head, and play the role of the compassionate best friend, and it might get you farther than any of the more passive options I could offer. :slight_smile:
     
  6. someoneus86

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    So he finally came over last night, but he was high. Sadly I couldn't think of a way to bring anything up plus I was afraid of ruining the night or causing him to feel uncomfortable with me. At least he seemed like the same best friend that I knew this time.

    I can say that I saw him staring at 'me' when I got changed into jogging pants. I've gotten changed in front of him quite a few times over the years and I wanna say he looks every time. I figured if someone was just curious they would only look once and ignore it the rest of the time. He also seemed to have always had his head in my direction and glancing at me. I'm not sure if he was just watching me out of the corner of his eyes to see if I laughed or something. He also kept jabbing me with his hand playfully when something funny happened on tv.

    Throughout the whole night he kept smoking to stay high. Idk why as I've never done drugs and never will. It's not unusual for him, but last night was the first that I saw him smoke so much.

    I did notice that he got 'excited' and he didn't seem to hide that fact or maybe he was oblivious of it. But I'm not sure if it was me or if it was someone he was texting.

    The good thing is he initiated a hug when he was leaving, not once but twice. So he seems to be at least starting to get back to normal and not seemingly pushing me away like before. So maybe he is figuring out his problem.

    I guess my problem is I'm now always looking for any signs. So I go from 90% sure he likes me to 0% sure in a matter of minutes. It doesn't help that I over-analyze things :slight_smile:.

    So beyond being drastic, what subtle or even 'innocent' things could I do to drop hints or to figure him out? Like can I text him certain questions or topics since most of our talking is through text as I only 'might' get to hang out with him once every other week or less. Which if I do get to hang out, anything that I can do then as well? Or could he really be straight and I just looked at things incorrectly? My only doubts on him being straight is when he got an erection when he spooned me and all other things that aren't considered straight.
     
    #6 someoneus86, Dec 15, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2015
  7. ANerdWhoCares

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    This is a bit concerning now. I don't discourage the use of addictive substances, but I don't exactly encourage them either. But I do know that if he's starting to smoke more frequently in such a short amount of time, that WILL get very dangerous! There's no what ifs about it, no matter what the reason for him to smoke more and more, it needs to stop, or horrible things could happen... :frowning2:
     
  8. someoneus86

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    He's been like that from the moment I met him unfortunately. Thinking back, I'm not sure if I over-exaggerated his smoking. He might have only smoked 2-3 times a tiiiiiiny amount within 6 hours if I remember. I do know he tells me that it helps him with his ADHD (not sure if that's true or not) and it gives him a break from taking ADHD meds. I do know he has horrible ADHD and he basically can't handle too many things at once without shutting down. I don't have ADHD and I don't smoke, so I can't really judge him for that.

    But as an update, he has been pretty happy seeming towards me since he came over last week. Before if I ever sent him a text, there was a 98% chance that he wouldn't even respond. But lately he's responded positively just about every time.

    Also, we went to the movies and met up with his other friends for the first time. Surprisingly, he didn't act any differently towards/around me with them there. I thought for sure he was going to make 'adjustments' so that he didn't seem too close to me. To put it into perspective, two different people that I know (that doesn't even know that I'm gay/bi) that have seen us together assumed that we were a couple. So it was me on one side and his other friend on the other side of him, he still leaned towards me and kept nudging me and having our arms touch the entire movie.

    When we went to our cars to leave, he parked next to me, we had an odd moment of silence by his car after talking for a few minutes. He seemed slightly nervous and had a smile/smirk on his face while we were just standing there across from each other. Finally he just said alright buddy and motioned for a handshake which he pulled me towards him and into a hug.

    I guess all of that could be taken either way.

    I also came to the realization that he may not be 'really' sure about me as I realize I've never really told him 100%. I did recently come clean with him that I was dishonest about sleeping with 2 women (I really did date 2 women tho) and that truthfully I've never had sex. It can be summarized as me telling him I'm straight that slept with 2 girls, well maybe bi, well no straight, well maybe bi because I would date you. But I'm pretty sure me staring at him when he was getting changed in front of me would be a dead giveaway lol.

    So I guess the only thing I can do is to just wait and see what happens down the road. I'm guessing the reason he stopped wanting to stay over so abruptly could probably be him wanting to think things over or avoiding it so that he didn't do or start something that he was unsure of. Or he could be straight and just doesn't want to, but that would also make it weird from some of the stuff that happened and now to him not even going on dates or mentioning any girls to me, just video games, family stuff, hang out with me some times, and work for him.
     
  9. someoneus86

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    Here's my latest update... The wait and see approach has been very confusing for me so far... To be more specific, HE has been very confusing for me.

    Whenever he comes over lately, he brings his xbox and we have a game night. Sadly for my wait and see approach, that means he doesn't chill with me on my bed since he sits in my computer chair while I sit on my bed. I figured chilling on the bed with me while watching tv was one opportunity method for him to make a move if he was really interested in me and he sort of removed that opportunity. But, don't get me wrong, I am more than happy that we get to hang out and just do whatever. However, I still catch him always looking at me or checking me out sometimes and him getting erections.

    He also finally asked me to come over to his house again for the super bowl, which he invited another friend as well and we all played games up until halftime. I realized that he refuses to invite me over whenever his parents are there anymore, me and his parents aren't sure why.

    He positioned everyone so each had a corner of the L shaped couch. However, I noticed he pretty much favored the other friend versus me the whole time, this happens whenever we play online from home as well. Things like engaging more conversations with him, offering him snacks by placing the snacks between both of them, and just hardly acknowledging my presence unless I spoke. The funny thing is my friend has said in the past that I'm his best friend and that the other friend isn't as close to him as me when it came up once. But it really seems like he's trying to create jealousy or something. I'm not one to get jealous as I just go with the flow most of the time. Eventually his friend had to leave as his girlfriend was at home complaining about him being away. Which my friend made a sad face and asked if he really had to leave and then helped him with his stuff.

    So now it's just me and him and boy did things take a 180. He came back from helping his friend (our friend now btw :slight_smile: ) and this time he sat next to me and was just quiet. Before he was pretty talkative and energetic. So I'm like, is something wrong? He responds, no, I'm just really high and relaxing. So I'm thinking to myself that he was high before and talkative and now this... So then a few minutes later he lays down. I'm like.... Ok, for real, am I that boring or something? He responded no and that he was gonna murder me for thinking that.

    At that moment, I was thinking, ok, he's not interested in me anymore or maybe I was wrong and he's straight or something since we were alone in his house and it was an opportunity for him. Then as soon as I thought that, he flips onto his stomach while putting his hands in his pants and starts playing with himself. So I'm like, oh, of course he's going to do something strange after I was just going to put everything to rest in my head... He did that for a few minutes and then flipped back over. Then 10 minutes later did it again for a few minutes.

    Finally, the super bowl ended and we started to clean up and I started to pack my things. When I was done, I sat on the couch and he sat back down, but this time closer to me. Unless I was just imagining it or was reading too much, it seemed like he was nervous as he was once again quiet and seemed to be in thought and nervous. Regardless, nothing happened and once his parents came home I left. The funny thing is he seemed reluctant or something to help me carry my things to my car whereas with his other friend, he helped without asking.

    In regards to him not wanting to sleep over anymore, that has changed since January where he seems to want to stay over now, however, each time we plan for him to stay over, something happens where he has to cancel.
    1.) Snowstorm so he had to be home to shovel per his parents
    2.) He -just- found out he had to go to hang out with his buddy for his bday in neighboring state for the weekend.
    3.) He wanted to relax and wasn't cancelling, just rescheduling. But he did invite me to hang out for the super bowl night.
    4.) This weekend - he cancelled saying his back has been hurting him, but we are still going to the movies.
    5.) Soon to be next weekend, I just asked if he wanted to aim for next weekend since his parents are gone, either my place or his. He said he will see what he has going on next weekend. (Since I know him better now, I realize he uses this line when he doesn't want to say yes or no or maybe)

    So basically this whole feeling that he's interested in me and he's not interested in me has me really confused. When I start saying that I'm only going to think of him as a friend, he starts to throw "signs" out there that makes me think otherwise. Then when I think, ok, he's interested, he will start saying things that makes me think he's straight or unfortunately cancels when he wants to stay over. For example, when we are playing xbox with me and our friend, he will randomly say things like, oh that character is hot, I wanna stick it in her butt (he only ever mentions anal sex btw), or that chick on tv is hot, and finally he mentioned to our friend over xbox that he wishes he had a girlfriend, which our friend and me pretty much dismissed and ignored each example.

    When I talked to a close friend of ours, she knows him better, she has doubts that he's gay since she can't really see it from what he's apparently told her, but she also had feelings for him as well. However, she also can't deny the 'unusual' things that he has done. So she thinks if he is, he might not ever admit it since he may not want to risk anything happening between him and his family. From what I know of his family, they love him unconditionally and some even suspect and think he's gay from what one family member told me (I know that doesn't mean anything really).

    My friend and I both agree that if I ever asked him directly that he might not react too well to that and that I could risk pushing him away. Even bringing anything he's done up might push him away. So that's 100% out of the question for now.

    She suggested that I should act like I have a dinner date or that someone else is staying over or something with another guy and kind of bring it up with my friend when planning something. Like, ask what time he's coming over and say because 'another guy friend' was staying over or going out and should be back by then or something. Maybe that would get him to open up more or something.

    Sorry for the long post again lol.

    Does anyone else have any suggestions, ideas, or thoughts?
     
  10. AlmostBlue

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    I remember your thread from last year. I'm sorry things haven't gotten clearer still. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do or say at this point, unless he comes to you. He seems to be dealing with something, and it could be his sexuality, but it could be something entirely different. All your observations could be over-analysis and nothing more, or it could be very accurate. Whatever the case, the important thing is not to figure that out, but to accept the fact that he's struggling with "something", and that there is only so much you can do to help him. I know you want to nudge him into your direction, but if he really is struggling, that will definitely push him away, and it's also not what a true friend would do. If you really do care about him, think instead about what he would want you to do for him. Try to be there for him when he needs you, but don't pressure him or try to suss things out.
     
  11. someoneus86

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    Update.

    Well, I waited until an ideal time to ask him, which was this morning.

    He told me that he wasn't gay and that he isn't interested in me like that. I asked if he knew that I wasn't 100% straight and he said he remembered during one of our conversations. He said he was sorry, but that it would never happen.

    I asked him if he wanted to at least know what mixed signals he was giving me and he said sure... So I told him some of signals such as him always playing with himself in front of me, seemingly masturbating next to me, and stuff that he has done when staying over. He got slightly mad and defensive and said he did not want to talk about it anymore.

    So I left it at that since he was getting mad and since he gave me an answer that I will respect. Sure I got a little upset, but I didn't let him see that. We are still best friends and I'll just treat him as such and not 'read' into anything he does anymore. In essence, that door is firmly closed.