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Toxic friendship advice needed

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by jbl90125, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. jbl90125

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    A conversation I had with someone else in which 'person x' was mentioned was overheard, misinterpreted and then reported back to 'person x'. Person x is claiming that I am saying bad things behind her back. She is a lawyer and says that she could ruin my reputation in the community. I have witnessed two of her friends being cold to me. I do not feel comfortable in the community now as it is small and everyone knows everyone and I am much newer than this person - although some people have disapproved of her. I do not know how badly my reputation is tarnished over these allegations and do not feel comfortable in an environment where some people will be nice but don't trust me. I do have my friends that know me and will stand by me but do not want to attend social events in case they are put in the middle of it. I feel that I have to drop out of the lesbian community and be isolated. If she carries through on her threats, no one will date me. Someone once warned me that everyone knows everyone in the community and I know people who have reputations - mainly dating issues. HELP! Thank you for any advice.
     
  2. Ryuji35

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    That's why it's never good to talk about anyone at whatever capacity in a small community. I learned this too the hard way when I was in HS and made it my solemn vow not to give any comment about anyone to anyone :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Not sure what you can do, though. I'll try talking to her but the problem is, will she believe you?
     
  3. jbl90125

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    Thank you. There is belief and then there is forgiveness - one can exist without the other. I hear people talking about each other all the time and I generally do not comment. That is what kills me as I am very careful where I see others gossiping. I divorced my husband to come out and dealt with the financial ramifications but I am ready to just be alone at this point and hang with the straight community as I never had this issue with them. I can now see why many women do not hang out in the community. Instead, they meet others on dating sites and do not go to many events. Of course I could always relocate away from the state and my family and start fresh with a new job and friends.
     
  4. Ryuji35

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    If you have that option, then please do! Nothing is better than having a fresh start :slight_smile:
     
  5. bookreader

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    Yeah, if you want a fresh start, do it. Nothing is stopping you.
     
  6. Really

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    This lawyer, she's an adult? Who threatens to ruin someone's reputation?

    If, as you say, expressing this opinion about person X was an aberration for you, then carry on being someone who doesn't talk about others behind their back and people will realize very quickly who's less than upstanding. Even when you encounter the cold friends, be your normal, nice self and soon people will wonder what the fuss was about.

    If you want to, you can write an apology/clarification to X but don't demean yourself. Say you regret having made the comment that got back to her out of context and are sorry if it upset her because that wasn't your intention. It was out of character for you and you certainly won't be doing it again. Going forward, you wish her all the best and know she feels the same.

    And then carry on as if it didn't happen. Taking the high road. If she continues to badmouth you, she will only make herself look bad.

    Do not feel you need to uproot your whole life. Do not give her this power. Certainly look for other social settings to meet others but you decide who your friends are, not her.