Hey folks, I'm a bit confused right now. I'm 17 and probably something in between genderfluid, queer or idk (born a girl). I've never been in a relationship, well except you count those 4 days when I was in a relationship with a guy at the age of 11 or so (we didn't even see each other at that time). A while (i think 2 or 3 years) ago I fell in love with a guy who had a girl friend (okay 2, i had a crush on him for a year or so). I feel so embarrassed about this time of my life. It got really fucked up, he knew I was in love with him but yeah, he was weird, he kinda had psychological problems, i think he got bullied by a guy in his class and then he went to some psychologists or so and had to repeat a year at our school because he missed a lot. This was the time, when i managed to "emancipate" myself from him (lucky for me actually, it was a really depressing time, I've never felt so bad in my life). Now i feel so embarrassed about all that and I kinda hated him because he made me be such a "girl"... Yesterday I was at a party and I saw him again and I realized, he is not as bad as I have had him in my mind and he was kinda cool and I am not having a crush on him again or so but I'm a little scared that that will happen or maybe not, maybe i'd just like to be friends with him like "bros" or so bc i kinda like his kind of humor and so on but i think it's kind of awkward if i texted him bc of that thing some years ago)...Idk I am so weird I don't know what I actually want... On the one hand I'd like to be in a relationship, but on the other hand I feel like I can't fall in love with anybody again not because it was a hard time for me (I'm actually not that type of person) but I always make jokes about relationships as well and it just doesn't fit to me?? being in a relationship I mean (also I guess, my gender makes it difficult because guys like him want a "girly" girl and not someone like me)...I'm just so confused because I kinda would like to text that guy again but also I know that i have always told my friends how i not like him and he's stupid and all and I just don't want to appear weak and I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and I feel like nobody does because I just don't fit into a relationship and I'm also a bit disgusted by thinking about sex with males, but kissing and making out is alright and i kinda can imagine being in a relationship with a male but also with a female but i'm not sure how far I would go with them either... oh and as i said, I would like to be in a relationship but the real big problem is, that when i get to know people I don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore even if i thought something like "alright, let's see if something's going to evolve (idk if that's the right word) but i'll be fine if we'll only be friends as well" and then I don't know if I just get afraid of being in a relationship (because I've never been) ,or what is wrong with me? Please, can someone relate? Does anyone have any tipps for me? I just don't know what to think anymore... Sry, i hope you understand what I'm trying to say and sorry again for some possibly horrible mistakes, i'm on my phone
anxiety id say, but whats funny is i met my boyfriend on a forum like this (dont worry this little story is relevant) i met him on GTF, i was new to the forum and so was he, he sent out messages to a couple of people including myself and i was the only one who replied and we exchanged steam names, soon enough we could not stop talking and it developed into what it is today. if this had not happened i know i would die alone as i feel the same way, relationships are a really scary thing, even now i still have anxiety and a little bit of that eww feeling about what the physical side will involve. its completely normal nothing is wrong with you but i assure you, once you get into it and you really like the guy and they really like you back it is a very happy feeling, suddenly you dont feel so alone. but there is nothing wrong with you is the point im stressing its natural to feel scared by it.
Thanks for your reply, it's encouraging to hear that (even though I don't actually want you to suffer from this as well, of course). It's nice to hear about you and your boyfriend and that it's helping you... But for me, it just feels like I have a button to switch off my attraction towards people if I get to know them or so. I mean, you know the stories (on here f.i.) where people fall in love with their straight friends or feel any kind of attraction towards them (for example)? I don't have that, I know, i have some pretty attractive friends but even though I wouldn't say no if they asked me out, I don't feel any attraction to nobody! As I said, it's like i can switch off my feelings and IF I ended up in being asked out by somebody I would go out with (not really good friends e.g bc I don't want to destroy the friendship), I could switch it on again, but that never happened until now. I just don't know whether this really is caused by anxiety or if I really just don't FEEL anything (related to relationships). I thought about being asexual in a way where i don't fall in love or something but then I realize, I would love to be in a relationship and i want to kiss someone, I just don't know how far I would go then and I don't know if I'm actually still able to fall in love. It sounds so complicated haha idk how to express myself
dont worry, as ive been walking around, living as one generally does, i have also found that if i see an attractive guy, the minute i find that he is a horrible person or is unavailable (as most people if not all are around here) i seem to be able to sort of turn it off. it seems to be an weird flux of emotions that cause different ones to interfere. it might just be a phase, emotions seem high and low at the same time. i would probably start worrying about it around age...20 or 21 as thats when you stop being a teenager so growing basically done.
