Sorry, I've been starting a lot of threads lately but this is the only place I can talk my issues without any possible retaliation so I hope that's okay. --------------------- Brief history: I have been friends with 2 guys for since like Grade school. One turned out to be gay (Let's call him Rey) and the other straight (Let's call him Frank). We do a lot of sleepover and other close friends stuff. We were the best of friends... until I came out. I was the one who came out before Rey. When I came out, Frank claimed that he accepted me, but of course, as I expected, he seemed to distance himself to me, which I accepted. So no more sleepover or anything that involves physical closeness, or getting ourselves naked with each other, etc etc. Even Rey (who was still closeted by that time) distanced himself to me. I felt betrayed and such because they said they accepted me but seems to act otherwise but anyway, I brushed it off and moved on. We never talked afterwards since I surrounded myself with new friends who do accept me. Fast forward to recent times (not the present), I learned that the reason why Rey also distanced himself to me is that he is also gay AND he's in love with Frank for like ages. (Now I understand why he treated me that way. He saw how Frank reacted when I came out and he was scared that Frank might do the same to him so, yeah well) He confessed to Frank eventually and of course, that didn't go well. Now I know Frank is truly a jerk and Rey and I reconciled and he apologized to me. As much as he hurt me, I do understand what happened so I forgave him. ------- Now to my real issue: Rey has a boyfriend. Rey was so open to him that he even told this boyfriend of his the history of our friendship (Frank included) and how that went bad after our coming out and stuff. All seems well until present time, he learned that his boyfriend started hanging out with Frank like months ago and even became Frank's close friend. His boyfriend didn't tell him because his reasoning is that he knew Rey would be angry about it. I can't help but be on Rey's side on this. How can his boyfriend make friends with the person who technically hurt Rey? But of course, I understand Rey's BF's reasoning that not all of Rey's enemies should be his enemies as well. Although he is right, I can't help but view this as an issue of loyalty. Now, Rey is a bit confused since he doesn't know if the feeling of resentment towards his boyfriend is an immature thing or the feeling of betrayal that he feels towards his boyfriend now is justified and just right. This became a major fight and Rey feels guilty towards it when I, as a friend, says he has the right to feel betrayed! I dunno. Any thoughts?
I don't know if betrayed is necessarily the right word here since there is nothing inherently bad about what happened other than his bf lying about being with Frank. To me, betrayed would be if his bf hooked up with Frank, or with you. Either way, I think this situation depends on how they became friends. Did they meet somewhere else and becoming friends was simply coincidence? Or did his bf go actively seek out this guy and try to befriend him. If the first, then I say he needs to let it go and maybe accept that they are friends, but if its the second I think he has every right to be upset with his bf. Also, if Frank finds out your friends bf is gay, won't the same thing happen again where he stops talking to him?
Thanks for your input. Yes, the guy just happens to be within the same place as Frank's and they just became friends. That's the weird thing. Frank knew the guy is Rey's Boyfriend and it seems that it's not an issue at all. That's what makes me more upset. Us, his friends (or used to be friends, being gay is a major issue but for other people, it's not. I just can't understand it.
I wouldn't judge Frank's friendship with this guy in the same regard as his former friendship with you and Rey. It sounds like you guys were closer and doing things that he was comfortable with when he thought you were all straight, but might have bothered him in hindsight/made him feel like you were lying to him (things like sleep overs, and certainly things involving being naked around each other). And then Rey admits to having feelings for him. Yeah, I can understand how he felt the need to push away. I'm sure Frank isn't sleeping over with and being naked around Rey's boyfriend (and if I'm wrong, well, that's definitely strange then!) That all said, I do sort of think it's strange that Rey's boyfriend and Frank have become such good friends. I don't know that Rey's bf owes him allegiance in not being friend's with Frank, but I can also understand Rey feeling uncomfortable with it. I'd almost think Rey's bf wouldn't want to be friends with a guy who Rey had feelings for and a falling out with, but I digress.
Well, yeah, I guess I understand it now.... I thought being in a relationship means having allegiance to each other. Maybe I am reading too much romance to expect this in real life.
In my view allegiance and loyalty are not binary variables and that people have some degree of loyalty to multiple people. This is true for any relationship be it partnership or friendship. In all cases one should assess what is objectively reasonable. Loyalty comes in when deciding ultimately who do you stand with. In this case I would say Rey's BF did wrong by not disclosing his friendship with Frank since he clearly knew that it is something Rey would like to know. However, I think it is unfair for Rey to dictate who his BF is friends with. I don't think you need to side with people but rather points. You can side with Rey on the issue of his BF's non-disclosure but with the BF with the issue of Rey wanting his BF cut Frank off. If I feel upset or conflicted, I try to find the ultimate reason why I feel particular way. If I was Rey I would ask myself why am I so upset? Is it because I was lied indirectly and if so why lying in this case made me feel bad. Then try to deal with those issues directly. For example in case of Rey, my BF did not tell me about his new friend. Why am I upset if it is just friendship? Is it because this demonstrates that maybe I don't feel that our relationship is in such a strong base? If so, what could be done about it. BF obviously did not trust me to be fair or understanding on this issue. Why is this and what can be done about it.
