I am not someone who is questioning my identity, or my sexuality. I'm a trans guy whose getting ready to start hormones, but my boyfriend has started being really vehement about claiming heterosexuality. He has known I was a guy for years now, since before we started dating, and has always said it was not a problem for him. He's usually attracted to women, but has, on a number of occasions, spoken about guys he finds attractive, both friends and celebrities. Not to the extent that he has with women, but enough, you know? He's liked gay porn, although infrequently, and for a long time he made me feel really secure about being in this very committed relationship, because supposedly nothing physical was going to get in the way. I am not the first guy he's been with- when he was young he had a sexual experience with another boy (a cisgender one) and was bullied for it, having grown up in a really bigoted small town environment. He gets very upset about the idea of people thinking of him as gay, and has a defensive reaction, and he recently went on a long tirade saying he was heterosexual and that by transitioning, I was forcing him out of the closet, which he was scared about, and thought the changes in my appearance would end his attraction to me. He says he's not ready. I feel like he's scared, and confused, and I'm trying to help him work through it. It's really hurtful for me though- it feels invalidating and like the person I trust most is not reliable- that he could get fickle and run away because of the defense mechanism he has built up due to homophobic family and such. From our conversations, he's much more attached to the "all American heterosexual" image he has managed to keep up so far with most people in his life (because I have, for him and causing myself significant emotional distress, deliberately presented as very much female around his family, and delayed coming out so that he would feel more comfortable) than he is attached to the actual heterosexuality. How can I help him, please? I've been telling him it doesn't make him gay, that it doesn't change who he is, that all he has to do is continue this legitimately really amazing relationship, but does anyone have any ideas, please? It's really important to me. If it helps, I'm 21 years old, he's 26.
Hello, Perhaps tell him that sexuality is a biological thing that cannot be changed and that whose personality you fall in love with is a separate thing, and don't always need to be sexually attracted to them for that. Perhaps get him to tell people that he's a heterosexual person in a homosexual relationship.
If he were heterosexual, what closet would there be to be forced out of? It sounds like he's more concerned with how others will react to him being in a gay relationship, than anything else. I'd suggest coming out together, but he doesn't seem to have reached that stage of self-acceptance. You can put your transition on hold, but at the detriment of your own health. Did he know about getting on hormones? Was it something that was discussed before? My only advice would be to take things slowly, talk them out, maybe see a therapist. Are you involved in any LGBT organizations? They're a huge help, and you won't feel nearly so alone.
