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Being in a relationship whilst you're not out?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rudysteiner, Dec 16, 2015.

  1. rudysteiner

    Full Member

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    Hey everyone,

    I've started 'seeing', and talking to, a guy. He messaged me a few days because a mutual friend mentioned me to him. We've been speaking a few days, and we've already been on a 'date' together and we might be going on another one soon.

    He's great, and from what I've seen, I'll probably end up liking him. He's really making an effort to speak to me, he's really nice and he's really ambitious but the problem is, I've never been in a relationship at all before, and I'm not exactly comfortable being in a relationship where I have to snoop around just to see him. This is possibly quite far off but it's playing on my conscience.

    If we were to actually take things further, I can't have him come to my house and introduce him to my family as a 'friend', because he's quite obviously gay, I'm not, and my sister will know who he is once she sees him. Then she'll put two and two together, realise herself that I'm gay and out me to my family. I'm fucked. With the race difference (he's a black male) too, and my mother being arguably racist, I wouldn't really be comfortable with him being in my house just to have her slag him off when he leaves.
    I can't go to his house, where he's out to his family, because he lives about 60 minutes away from me and I can't deal with constantly having to make up lies to go and see him. If he lived closer to me, I might of been able to handle it, but unfortunately I can't. My sexuality is, I think the only big secret I keep from my family.
    I'm also 99% sure that this scenario would force my mental/physical health to take a turn for the worst. I have epilepsy and with all the stress of school/not being out to my family and then a secret relationship on top of that would completely fuck me up.

    Should I tell him there's probably no chance of a relationship for like.. 1-2 years?

    Has anyone been in a relationship while you're not out to your family?

    Has anyone had to tell someone they can't take something further with them because they aren't out?

    I know this sounds like a really immature thing considering how early on it is, but I don't want him to think I'm leading him on in the future.

    Sorry for the wall of text.
     
    #1 rudysteiner, Dec 16, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2015