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Not sure if she truly likes me romantically...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Civiel, Dec 19, 2015.

  1. Civiel

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    Okay so this might be a bit long, and I am really sorry for that. I just really need to rant and get this out of my system, and I would really appreciate it if anyone had any advice on my situation, I could definitely need a new perspective on things.

    So, thing is:

    I am currently in a relationship with a girl I love above anything else in this world. I have had a crush on her for almost 2 years, and we have been in a relationship for about 1 and a half months. The two years I liked her I never really thought she was gay (and definitely not interested in me) but it turned out, after I had too much to drink one night at a party and confessed my love to her over text, that she was open about trying a relationship (although she didn’t really ask me to be her girlfriend before a few months later).

    But the problem is that she is very detached emotionally. Sure, she asked me about trying a relationship, but she is also extremely awkward about the whole thing. I have loved her for 2 years, and I have in that time figured out my feelings. I have no problems telling her I love her, but whenever I do she gets kind of uncomfortable. So I figured this was because she is knew to all this, so I toned it down a notch and now I just occasionally throw in a little “I love you” before going to bed and such, nothing too big or intimidating.

    Now after almost two months she is at least replying with “I love you too” once in a while, though I get the feeling she is just writing that to make me happy. I am absolutely not used to this kind of interaction with people I am in a relationship with. I am used to hearts and “I love you soo much”s and cute messages and compliments, so this is a big change for me. She seems so reluctant about the whole thing, and whenever I tell her that it kind of hurts my feelings when she isn’t as affectionate back as I am to her, she just says sorry, and that she is just confused about everything and that she truly doesn’t know how she feels. She also states that she has to “get used to telling me she loves me”, and that is why she tries to do it once in a while.

    We live a couple of hours away, and therefore I don’t get to see her in person all that much. However, I have noticed a change when we are together now, after initiating a relationship. She has always been more comfortable with physically showing affection, than doing it with words. She has no problems with cuddling, she wants to sleep in my bed, she touches me quite a lot and she generally kind of acts like a girlfriend physically, though I have not been able to do anything clearly romantic like kissing her yet. I am taking it at a slow pace.

    A couple of days ago we were skyping like we do pretty much 24/7, and we were taking these dumb Facebook name quizzes. One of them were about who would kiss her on new year’s eve, and she got me. She made a pretty big deal out of it (following her standards at least), almost going as far as to post it on Facebook so that my ex (and our shared acquaintance) would see it and get mad. I haven’t directly asked her if it would be okay if I kissed her for real, although I plan to do so eventually.

    Her family has no idea about the whole thing; I don’t even think they know she is open about same sex relationships, and they see us as best friends (something we also are).

    She seems genuinely interested in being with me when I confront her (but I truly can't tell). She says she wants to continue trying and she does, as stated before, send me “I love you”s and she is a lot more affectionate (physically) when I am with her in person. Though on the other hand, she has said things like “I don’t know how I feel, we are kind of more like best friends? I don’t know…” and she feels uncomfortable about giving me compliments or saying that she loves me. So right now, honestly, I am just really confused and conflicted. I love this girl so much I have no words (if you have seen some of my earlier posts on here, you’ll see that I have written a lot of posts about this girl) but I truly don’t know if she likes me. If it turns out she doesn't like me I would end the relationship in a heartbeat, although I would probably have to distance myself from her if that was the case, I love her too much and it would break my heart breaking up with her. I think she knows this, and I am scared she’s just with me so that she won’t lose me as her best friend…

    She has ADD, so she has problems with writing and words and showing affection. I don’t think she has ever been more affectionate with someone than she is with me right now though, but I still don’t know if she truly cares about me romantically. She says she trust me more than anyone else and that she just want me to be happy, and she does send me messages constantly. She truly shows the will to want to spend time with me all the time. But this could just be her looking at me as a best friend, and not a girlfriend… So what do you guys think? Would it be better for me to just break up with her and be done with it, or continue trying? And do you think she honestly has romantic feelings about me?

    Thank you so much for reading all that, I just had to get it off my chest. Advice is highly appreciated. Thank you again. (*hug*)
     
  2. CapColors

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    Is she gay?
     
  3. Civiel

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    Honestly, I don't know. I don't think she knows. Considering we are currently in a relationship, I guess she is bisexual at the very least. But she just seems really confused about the whole thing. She has never dated a man or a woman before, and as far as I know she has never really shown any interest in men (or women, untill she asked me about the relationship)

    She is a pretty tomboy-ish person. Short hair, no makeup, wears male clothing, always had just male friends, plays as males in video games, stuff like that. She is pretty much the opposite of girly, less so than me probably. In our relationship I am definitely the most feminine one, but I am also the "dominant" one, considering she is as inexperienced as she is.
     
    #3 Civiel, Dec 19, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2015
  4. idsm

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    Just read your other topic too. I actually remember reading your story last year!
    First of all, congrats on having the courage to tell her and being in a relationship with her!

    Now about your gf; she´s pretty young, reserved by nature and painfully inexperienced. If she´s anything like me (which she sounds to be to some extent) she needs some more time. A month and a half is rarely enough for someone to make peace with the fact that they may be gay (although she´s probably working on that since last year) and begin a same sex relationship with someone who, on top of everything else, is out. Add to that her natural reluctance and there´s the sense of weirdness you get.

    Now, I´m not saying she´s madly in love with you as I don´t know the two of you, but I believe that bodies and actions speak the truth more loudly than words. I think she´s confused and perhaps a little scared too. Do you know what is her environment like? Would her family be ok with your relationship? Does she have anyone (other than you) to talk about intimate stuff such as sex and orientation? Finally, bear in mind that different people express themselves in different ways. Perhaps she´s just not verbal at all and prefers to show you her affection in other ways, eg physically. I know I am like that...

    If it were me, I would probably give her some more time to get comfortable, increase the physical contact (she seems to be keen on that), encourage her to talk to me about anything and reassure her that nothing would ever change/ruin our friendship (I understand though that this last part is hard for you, so don´t mention it if you don´t mean it)

    Just my thoughts. I am not a relationship guru, so take them with a grain of salt.
    Hope everything gets better! Good luck to you and your girlfriend! :slight_smile:
     
  5. Civiel

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    Ah yes, this girl has been a source of confusion for me for a while now haha. It's weird how long I have been struggling with all this to be honest, but I wouldn't change her for anything, It's kind of worth all the struggles.

    Her environment is definitely not the best, which worries me a lot. Her parents aren't the most accepting, and she definitely doesn't have anyone else to talk about these matters with. (apart from her older brother perhaps, but she's never been good at talking about her feelings in the first place) This probably doesn't make matters any better Dx I am the only person guiding her through all this and considering my somewhat biased perspective on everything, considering my feelings, that's probably not for the best.

    I shall try and do that definitely though. I kind of just have to remember that she's inexperienced, I guess I might have been more like her if this was all new to me too. She's taking everything pretty well considering it's her first relationship. I remember my first boyfriend haha, couldn't even talk to the poor boy in person without it being all awkward.

    Thanks for your thoughts on everything, it definitely helps clear things a bit up when I get to see what other people think about our situation. (*hug*)