I lost my virginity to my brother at 14. Feeling traumatized.

Hey,

First of all, don't feel guilty about what happened. I can understand it must be very traumatizing and a heavy burden to carry when you cannot talk about it to anyone. You are right to seek help.

If it makes you feel any better, virginity is just a word we use to describe that you haven't done something before. It's not any magical property you have and loose. In my opinion you are still virgin as this kind of non-voluntary thing doesn't really count.

How old were you and your brother when this happened? Did he initiate this? What do you mean by "consensual"?

Have you consulted a psychologist or a therapist in this matter?

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this, I'm here. I think he sort of took advantage of you and shouldn't have pulled his penis out.

 

I don't see a blowjob as losing your virginity, but I understand what you mean. He should not have taken advantage of your horniness so.

 

I must confess that although I have been told of a lot of very unusual sexual experiences, I have never heard anything like this before. Based on what you have told, it does sounds like entirely consensual but I still get the impression that you feel it was not entirely so. Did he apply pressure of any kind? Did you at the time feel uncomfortable at doing it?

I want you to know, that even if it was entirely and utterly consensual you should not feel guilty or bad about it. There is a great taboo involved which is that you had interaction of a sexual nature with a close relative of yours (I'm assuming he is your full or half brother) and this obviously causes great distress to you. However, objectively speaking there was no other harm than you (and possibly your brother) feeling bad about it. Neither you or your brother could get pregnant and there was no physical damage. I don't want you to feel that I'm belittling your emotional trauma as I have no idea how big that is to you. I just want to point out that based on what I hear it was not so bad thing apart from the fact you broke a taboo.

Well, you are the judge on your mental well-being. I'm just saying that this case is so unusual that most people might be left utterly speechless. A qualified psychologist is likely to be able to help you much more than a friend. However, if you want to talk about it I'm willing to talk but I don't know how much help I can offer. Maybe you could tell more accurately how you feel about it? Are you feeling shame? Guilt? Anxiety? Fear?

I hope you don't mind but I would like to ask a few questions about you and your family. Is this brother your full brother? And even if he is not, did you grow up together in the same household?

 

Dude, don't feel guilty. Everyone was Young, Everyone at this days want "lose the virginity". Thats normal dude, Don't Worry.

 

Honestly, I don't consider this losing your virginity. Yes, you did something sexual, but it's not something that you gave away willingly to him.

Virginity is knowing that this is your first time having sex, and you're willing to give the person the privilege of being your first time. It's a lot more symbolic than physical.

To compare - there are a lot of younger children that experiment sexual things before they hit puberty not knowing what they were doing (like you). Would you think they lost their virginity? Probably not. Although you were a bit older, the same applies to you.

Besides, doing something sexual with a relative, without knowing, is a lot more common than you think. I wouldn't be ashamed of it Just a silly, cringe-worthy mistake, but don't give it anymore power than that. It doesn't deserve it.

 

Volpe,

i understand how you are feeling, from the perspective of a 50 y/o male who had was molested by a family member at a young age, I can assure you that you are very brave bringing this out and sharing with the EC community.

This is a huge first step. I know that I tried to work out my situation for years and found that what worked for me was finding a great therapist to safely discuss my feelings and how my initial exposure to my own sexuality affected my later relationships.

If you can do this on your own, more power to you. My suggestion is while at Uni, take advantage of the services provided to students to work through your history, making you able to realize your own healthy sexuality, coming to terms with your situation with your brother. - J

 

My cousin raped me when I was 9 or 10 (not sure which age), and yep, it was oral sex. Losing your virginity is when you willingly have sex for the first time. Your brother took advantage of you, as at 9 years old, you don't have the decision-making ability to understand what you're doing. He should be ashamed of himself.

 

First, breathe.

Second, this is actually something I can relate to a lot. When I was 13 I had hooked up with an older guy and I regret it. All we did was oral sex, and yes, it was consensual. It took some time but I told the whole encounter to my best friend and he explained to me that I am still a virgin and it's a conversation him and I have had many times. The definition of virginity has been explained many times already but essentially how it's described by most teenagers is "fucking or being fucked for the first time." While oral sex is still sex, most people don't view oral sex alone as losing your virginity.

If you feel a need to confide in someone, I'm sure they will understand especially if you are close to them. Know though, that if someone asks if you're a virgin, you can say that you are.

As a last resort, you always have all of EC ready to help you. *hugs*

 

Most teenagers don't consider anal sex a loss of virginity either though ("saddlebacking" ), so It's not really helpful advice to gay people in general. Virginity loss is socially defined as penis-vagina contact only, without exception.

However, I personally think rape and childhood activity of any kind (Including vaginal sex) should not count, so yes It's circumstantial.

The OP should probably talk to someone though- right now you need to focus on feeling better and not whether you're a virgin. That word doesn't have a universal definition anyway.

 

Two points. First, if you genuinely did not realize the significance of what you were doing, then why feel shame about it?

Secondly, unless your brother was significantly ahead of you in mental and physical development at the time, I think it's a bit unfair of you to think he took advantage of you. It have never even crossed my mind that I would ask my sister to give me a BJ so I don't think your brother was thinking much of it either. Do you think your brother wanted to humiliate you? Have you talked about this after it happened?

Why do you feel shame? Do you feel your shame is justified? I agree, you probably should not talk to any friends or family members. It could be a very shocking thing for them to grasp. However, I would strongly advice you talk to a psychologist if you can afford it. The sessions are confidential and professional psychologists do not judge or criticize you for what happened. Would you consider seeing one if you feel you didn't find the help you need from here? I have talked to a psychologist and a therapist and I found their insight and advice helpful.

Would you be OK with what happened if you had had sex with someone you love first? Why do you obsess about virginity? How do you define virginity? Depending on definition of virginity you could still consider yourself as one.

I got the feeling that you have also other issues than just this one. Yes, it is not normal to give BJ to your brother but it is certainly NOT something terrible. Why do you feel it is such a terrible thing?

 

Most societal rules have some purpose and this is no exception. Do you know, why society condemns sexual interaction between close relatives? It is prohibited because children born to close relatives have significantly higher incidence of birth defects and genetic diseases. Since two guys can't get pregnant you shouldn't feel too bad about it.

Also, don't blame your brother too harshly. Unless he used some underhand tactic and manipulation to get you to agree I would say both of you are equally responsible for what happened.

Nothing prevents you from having sex with someone who you love in the future. If you think you have lost your virginity there is nothing I can do or say to change that. You need to accept what happened and understand that due to your poor understanding something happened that would not have happened if you had realized what you were doing.

Think positively, it could be worse. At least you did not fuck your mother or some animal.

Yes, it was messed up and I wonder how such thing happened since biologically we have been hardwired against such things! But it happened never the less and there is nothing we can do about it. However, I see this as victimless "crime". Your brother seems to be fine with it and no one was hurt (except you mentally). You didn't kill anyone or ruined anyone's life.

You don't want to talk about your sexual experiences to anyone? But you are talking about them just now! You can go to see a psychologist anonymously if you fear giving out your name. A professional psychologist will not judge you or make you feel bad. If you are starting university next year, maybe you could anonymously meet the uni psychologist and talk about it. You cannot keep all your feelings bottled up in yourself. This is evident from the fact that you came here to seek help but I am not sure are we helping at all. How do you feel? Do you feel any better after talking to us?

Then tell that you are sexually inexperienced. Period. Or better still, you can tell that it is not their business. Your sex life is no one else's business but yours. If you feel bad about possibly lying, don't think about it as lie but as your right to privacy. In my view we have no duty to answer truthfully to questions that would violate our privacy if no one else is hurt in the process.

Finally, understand this. No one else can make you feel shame except you. Shame is condition that only exists in our minds. If you don't feel ashamed of something no one can use that against you. Now, I presume you don't feel shame for being gay? Why not? Just a short time ago it was in society's view sick perversion to nature. There is no harm for being gay and there is no harm in the fact that you had sexual encounter with your brother because there is no objective harm.

 

I think there's two things at play here:

- Doing this sort of stuff with your brother is, indeed, not something you tend to mention in polite society.
On the other hand, I'm failing to feel too outraged over it. And probably wouldn't if any of my friends told me a similar story.
Because it's actually fairly common for young teenagers to be horny. And sometimes be horny at the same time as a friend. And sometimes to experiment. Which is usually done in a "best friend sleepover" situation. It would probably have gone down much the same way if you had been at a best friend's place and had had the opportunity. I know that at 14, it wouldn't have taken me much convincing to get naked with any of my friends, really.

Also, it seems like you both, after the original horniness passed, did the right thing: agree to not do it again, without pretending it never happened either. Also, it seems like it's unlikely he'll tell other people. Which is more of a risk when experimenting with friends, actually.
In short: it might be best to see it as a "friends messing around" situation, and treating the fact that he was your brother as completely incidental.

So if people ask, you might not want to lead with "I experimented with my brother".
But no one is going to be horribly outraged at "I once did stuff with a guy my age, when we were both fourteen, which I regret in retrospect". That's a story I've heard from about half the gay people I know. People in uni have also been horny teens at some point, they will understand.
That's a story you can tell, and still be a perfectly decent human being.



- Then there's the "saving sex for someone you love" part.
Which is, again, a nice goal to have. And I get that it feels like you fear you lost the opportunity to do that forever.

But, I don't think you did. Yes, you engaged in sexual behavior. But (and I suppose you have to take my word for it right now): it's still as far away from sex with someone you love as masturbation is.
So when you do meet that special guy, and have your first time with him, it'll still be a real first time. It won't just be quickly sucking each other off. It'll be making out, spending time exploring each other's bodies, learning to read each other's cues, softly driving each other wild... and some other stuff I'm not going to type out here

And the feelings are totally different too. First time in bed with a guy, I was almost blown away with how little I cared about the "getting off" part. It was all about "OMG, this amazing guy wants to do this with me and I'm making him feel so happy!"

In a way, the first time with anyone new is really your very first time all over again. Even if you have done certain things before, it'll feel completely different. Which is, if you ask me, the true definition of a first time.



So: It was a thing that happened. But it doesn't have to be a damning secret. Lots of people as teens mess around with friends that they'll forever keep unnamed.
And your first time is still ahead of you. Making real love is not so easy to spoil!