Dealing with extended family...

I have an uncle who thinks he is so funny telling his off-color jokes, but I am pretty sure that he doesn't realize that what he is saying can be hurtful to people because no one tells him off for it. His racist and anti-LGBT "humor" is getting on my nerves over these years, but I think he keeps telling these jokes despite my protest over the years because he never realized that people in present company could be offended, and he was always telling jokes that those around him would give him a pass on because they were about people that weren't in the room.

All of this said, I have suspected his son (my younger cousin) is gay for several years now, and is not comfortable around my uncle because of his intolerance. I think that if someone puts him in his place just once, and makes him realize just how hurtful he is being that he may start to understand things.

I want to support my cousin (assuming he is gay) but don't know how to approach this whole situation, because I don't really know from what direction to start. I also want to try to help my uncle become a little more tolerant and realize what he is doing. I haven't really ever asked anyone about their orientation before, and don't want to offend my cousin by asking if he turns out to be straight.

Last year around this time, when he made an awful remark, I posed the "what if I were gay" rhetorical argument (this was before I realized I was lesbian), which was quickly dismissed by my uncle, and my cousin followed it up with the same rhetoric from his end. I forget my uncle's response, but it was weak at best, and probably said to my cousin that it wasn't a good idea to come out.

Thoughts on how I should approach this? I only see them a few times a year, and the holidays are here so, I have an opportunity. What should I do with it?

 

I may try this and put it in germane language that he can understand, but I feel it may be a bit deeper-set than that. The rhetoric seems to fall short. But I may still try this.

No, no one laughs at them. He has been told that they aren't funny and that they can/could be hurtful, but his interpretation is that they *haven't* been hurtful in present company, so it is okay to continue, because they *won't* hurt anyone he is around, because he is oblivious, and that they *might* be seen as funny in the future. I think that his wife already knows about all of this if I am right, and my cousin is gay. She also complains about his foul humor, and tells him to stop, but he continues to see it as harmless. This problem has been going on for years.

It's like a child running around with scissors; they don't know how much danger they are putting themselves and others in until those scissors actually hurt someone, at which point the child would probably start crying because that was not what they wanted to do, and they didn't mean to hurt anyone. Not the greatest analogy, but maybe a bit clearer?

I feel like coming out to my cousin may be the place to start; as he may see that he has someone he can talk to. That might provide some clarity in how to proceed. Maybe we can work on a plan together... because after all, I feel like I need some help with this too, but I have had a fair amount of experience standing up to bullies in the past. And my uncle is the type of bully that doesn't realize he is being a bully.

Thanks for your help so far!

 

Yeah, I think that coming out to that family wouldn't be awful, but no one will get it... :dry:
I talked with my cousin, and he says that my uncle just doesn't know when to stop, and that he is going to tell my uncle to cool it. I guess I am still worried about the larger issue of being embarrassed by how intolerant my uncle is...
We will see how Christmas goes...

Also, thanks everyone for the support!
(&&&)