Brought It Up Again...... Just More Of The Same

I thought my family seemed to be coming around, and I don't know I guess they have in a way........ but things are obviously not really entirely okay, I can just tell from the sound of things. Things seemed okay, and we just carried on business as normal and there was a somewhat upbeat tone for a while. However, they still say that they feel unsettled about it. Well, I can understand. I mean, I can see where it would be unsettling to a parent. They say that they love and support me regardless, and that they always would..... well that's great to hear obviously. Then, they said that the way they feel about it may change over the course of time. They said that it could go either way, and part of it may depend on whether or not "it actually happens" (e.g. me being with another guy) and what the whole situation looks and seems like to them. They say that they love me and all, but the unsettled vibe is very obvious. Then, they further elaborate on their reaction of being unsettled to say that they basically are okay with my life choices, but that I have to be living on my own. They say that asking them to accept me doing this with me living in their house is "too much to ask". They aren't kicking me out or anything, they basically are just saying that I can't live this "lifestyle" when I am living with them. However, they have said and continue to say that they love me regardless and will support me regardless. Then, I asked my Mom that maybe she should re-examine why she has these feelings of disgust to which she said, "I don't feel that I have to do that now." Then, later she said that she didn't have feelings of disgust, but that she is just "unsettled" about it. Right now, I'm not sure what to do. They say that they love and support me regardless, which is great to hear.......... but there is this tone of them being unsettled and uncomfortable with everything. I'm feeling kind of torn. They aren't being completely awful about it, as they say that they love and support me. On the other hand, their discomfort is alienating to me. I just don't know what to do to deal with them. Part of me thinks that I should continue to remain close with them, since they say that they love and support me. The other part of me is alienated by their discomfort and just wants to get away and not really have very much to do with them. I really do not know what to do or how I am supposed to see this.

 

They're not really condemning at all, in fact they say that they love and support me regardless...... they just have there is just this undercurrent of "we don't really approve of what you're saying...... so it isn't going to be under our roof." Basically, they don't care what "decisions" I make with regard to this...... but there is a certain edge of them being uncomfortable that just irks me. Honestly, I think I'm going to handle it by doing some things here and there to try to get under their skin like they're getting under mine. I won't be directly argumentative or fight with them about it...... just kind of do things to try to make them uncomfortable. I might just watch a bunch of porn of various sorts and leave the tabs open on the computer to make them a little uncomfortable....... then if they say something I'll just say it was an "accident". You know, just stuff like that..... just stuff to get them to be as uncomfortable with me as I am with them, but without arguing or really making trouble with them. Just random passive aggressive stuff like that, and they won't even realize I'm trying to get to them.

 

Yeah maybe. I kind of want to just not have to deal with them though, and maybe if I just use passive aggressive ways to irritate them they'll just not want to be bothered with me. It's unfortunate to say, but I kind of hope they kick me out over it....... I'm not a kid, so I can figure shit out for myself. I have some money in an inheritance that I'll get when I move out..... it's not a lot, but it'll be enough to get me through until I get a decent job and don't have to deal with it anymore. Maybe that's not the right approach, but I'm really irritated with them right now.

 

I feel like I am being semi-loved and accepted...... I am just irritated. I have a college education, so I definitely would be able to get a job. I'm not that young, I'm just pissed which is making me really angry with them and wanting to just cut the cord so to speak. I'm not young or really even immature, just really moody with people I am close to. I have a 140 IQ, but I have a mild form of bipolar or something along those lines which makes me really moody and immature with people I am close with. With people I am not close with, they just see a very intelligent and capable person. I got very good grades in college, and I have been successful at a lot of the jobs I have had actually. It's hard to explain, but I get so moody and sometimes flip out on people that I'm close with that I wouldn't even really want to be in a relationship with anybody...... just because I don't really want anybody to have to put up with my crazy self like that.

 

I mean, I guess I am loved. I'm just irritated at the attitude in some ways, so I don't know. I mean they love me I guess, but there is often an ornery dynamic in the air that goes beyond me having said this. Like they will suddenly make some kind of argument over some little thing, and it just irritates me. There have also been times that they have said and did some nasty things out of anger. Sometimes, they just irk me, but I feel like they do also care about me.

 

I've thought it through a little bit more. You know what they said might not even really be out of the range for someone who is accepting. Saying that they "don't want things going on under their roof" or that they are "unsettled" about it may or may not necessarily be out of the range of a parent that is still accepting, I don't know. Honestly, most parents accepting or not probably feel unsettled when they hear that their kid is like that. It's the causes behind the feelings of being unsettled and how they deal with it that makes the difference. I feel like why they are unsettled is more what's going to determine how I approach the relationship in the future than anything. How I approach the relationship shouldn't be based off of whether or not they are unsettled, but it should be based off the causes of their discomfort. If it's moralistically rooted or rooted in feelings of outright disgust, then I'd say that the situation is toxic, and I should take steps to truly distance myself even beyond just moving out...... kind of have them really fade into the background of my life....... because we're just no longer a fit for one another. However, I'm not going to assume that this is the cause. There's a good chance they are just unfamiliar with something they don't know anything about and haven't encountered (e.g. fear of the unknown). That really seems like an understandable feeling about this, and I could get where they are coming from.