Ugh. After spending some time reading about this on the internet, I can see that I'm definitely not the first person to have an unbearable straight crush situation. But, never the less, I need to hash out my story and discuss it with someone because I don't know what to do. I am 25 now, and I have identified as bisexual since I was 18. But, I don't really announce it to people. I'm not hiding it, but I just don't tell people unless it comes up in conversation. For this reason, I have always dated guys. Girls dating guys seems to be the automatic way things go if you are a girl. Even if you like girls, it seems as though you have to go out of your way to date them. I have just never wants to do that. But, I'm starting to change my tune a bit. Let my story begin! This past August, I started working at a new restaurant as a server. Another girl had just started there named Katie, and we got along really well right from the start. We have a ton of common interests, and we have a lot of chemistry. We pretty much became inseparable. We spent a lot of time working together, and we went out a lot together too. This led to us spending a lot of time sleeping in the same bed. She lives really close to the downtown areas of Columbus, so it was a way for me to save money so I wouldn't have to Uber home after a night of drinking. Eventually, I started to feel like Katie was actually hitting on me. She just seemed very flirtatious. I tried to push away these feelings because I knew she was straight. She had somewhat recently gotten out of an engagement, and she would mention what we would come to call the ''dick train'' all the time. But, there was one instance which made me question that. One night after I slept over at her house, we went to work the next day. I was talking to someone at our break table, and she came up from behind me and started hugging me. I just gave her a confused look. Then, she said in front of the other person, ''whatever, katie (also my name)! last night you spooned me!'' Or something of that nature. Obviously, I was super embarrassed. So, I called her out on it. I told her she was making me seem weird or like I was pushing myself on her. Then, she just told me it was fine because she liked it. Also, that she had gone farther with girlfriends on past occasions (a statement that she later denied she ever made.) So, at that point, I didn't even know how I felt about her, but I figured she was cool with the fact that we had gotten super close. We continued to spend a lot of time together, and we did a lot of sleeping over, but nothing ever happened. Eventually, she told me she actually hates cuddling with everyone, so there was no more of that. But, she made it really confusing to figure out. At work, she would say she wanted to snuggle later all the time, only for me to be with her later and realize she wanted none of that. I called her out on how confusing she was being. She just said that she likes to kid about it or talk about it, but doesn't want to follow through. (Annoying, right?) She also just physically flirts with me in public all the time. She does things like slap my ass, kiss me on the cheek, and boob grab all the time. In private, she never really does. (What is the opposite of lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets?) Despite being irritated by these mixed signals, I realized eventually that I did have real feelings for her. I liked her personality, I thought she was really cute, and I wanted her badly. Except the time we spent together when we first became friends, I never really thought that I had a chance with her. So, when I realized that I had feelings for her, I took a couple of different routes. First I figured I would just flat out ignore the fact that I wanted her. I didn't want to give up my friendship with her, and I thought I could handle it. Business went as usual, but I still felt miserable not being able to express myself. So, I decided to cut her off for a while. This wasn't really a noticeable effort on my part because she got a new job around that same time. We didn't see each other for a couple weeks (a record breaking time since we had become friends), and I did start to feel a little less. But, her birthday was coming up, and I went to a party with her and her friends I didn't know. We planned to spend the night together wherever we ended up, but I got super drunk and spilled my drink. Another friend was there to drive me home, but I didn't want to go because Katie was going to the bar. Really, I didn't care about drinking more, I was just so looking forward to spending the night with Katie because I hadn't seen her in forever. My bratty refusal to go home made it clear to me that I have it bad for her, and her willingness to send me home really shows that she doesn't feel the same. I haven't talked to her about my sexuality, but we did have a discussion last night. We ended up going out with our coworkers on Sunday night for a Christmas party. At one point, I was saying that I might hitch a ride home with one of our bosses. She said something like, ''can I just ride with you and then we snugs?'' Or something annoying like that. Later on, I just suggested we go back to her house and then she could drive me back in the morning. She just said she had a super hard weekend, and she wants to relax in her bed alone. I mean, I can understand that. It just hurts that she doesn't see us being together as a relaxing way to end a weekend. She ended up going home, and I ended up going to my house. But, I guess this was just the straw that broke my back as far as how she kids around all the time. I called her after we got home, and I told her that I was angry at her. I explained how all the things she says are annoying because she doesn't actually want to do them. She said she was just kidding, but I told her that it isn't a joke to me because I don't think any of the things she kids about would be ridiculous. That I liked spending time with her, sleeping at her house, and that I didn't think that anything like cuddling would be out of line. I told her that she needs to stop slapping my ass, kissing me on the cheek, etc. Overall, she took it fine. She just said she had no idea I felt that way. So, I went to sleep feeling a little better that I had taken some control of the situation. Now, I am afraid I have already done damage. I texted her because we still have to schedule a date for her birthday dinner, and she never got back to me. I just feel everything slipping away. We used to text and talk all day long and up until the late hours of the night. We always knew what each other were up to. Now, she went a full day without answering a message about a fun thing we were going to do together. Already, I was afraid of losing her because we hardly ever work together anymore and have different schedules. Now there is this on top of everything else. I just don't know how I should proceed. Should I try to talk to her anymore about any of my feelings? Should I just wait for her to start talking to me and get whatever I can out of the relationship? Do I do a friendship break up? I know the most effective way to get over her would be to just stop doing things with her, but I already miss her so much. I know she has missed me too in a way, but maybe not as much. The anxious part of me just wants to get everything out and watch it all burn. I just don't know if I could watch our relationship fade and not explain to her why it is happening. There is a part of me that tells myself that this is a sign that I should start looking for girls to date. I have been on a dating hiatus for a while because I have just lost all interest in dating. But, I think I might have just lost interest in guys. Is this my time to finally start making an effort to win women? Or is this the stupidest idea I have ever had because it is the person I am interested in rather than the sex, and simply looking for people who have the same genitals as my crush will not be an effective way to get over them? Who knows! I certainly do not. :bang: :help:
