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Sexual Incompatibility

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Vanguard, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. Vanguard

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    Hi internet,

    Just wanted your thoughts on a predicament I'm currently facing.

    I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 23, we've been together for about two months. I'm a dominant top and he's versatile who prefers being submissive. The problem is our bedroom relations; he has told me after I noticed it, that he likes to "finish himself off" and that he can't climax if someone is doing something to him, i.e oral etc. The only thing he wants me to do when he's getting 'ready' is to kiss him. He has stopped me halfway through acts and has even said no to offers of oral on several occasions saying "maybe tomorrow". I don't detract from him saying no, sometimes people are not up to it and that's fine but sometimes I feel like he picks and chooses when HE wants to do things as opposed to it being mutual.

    I have expressed to him my concerns at the fact that I feel like I do not physically turn him on and that I cannot satisfy him. This is the first time I've encountered this in the bedroom as I am someone who is satisfied when my partner has been taken care of. To know that I do not have that effect on him and that I won't in the future is very unnerving and makes me uncomfortable. He has told me to stop worrying and that it's him, not me. I get that (somewhat) but it does not bode well for me to know I can never satisfy my partner.

    I have never questioned my sexual prowess up until now. He tells me that he is satisfied but my problem is that the words are not reflective of the situation in the bedroom; how can he be satisfied if he has to always finish himself off? He said that he gets off on being submissive and knowing that he's pleased me but I get off knowing that I'm dominant and I took care of my partner. And when he does stop me and finish himself off, it puts me off and makes me feel uncomfortable.

    I don't want to ruin what could be a great relationship all because of my insecurities or because I have this issue with wanting to satisfy my partner and I certainly do not want it manifesting itself in the relationship. I also do not want to ask him to change because it's unfair and he's not doing anything wrong if he obviously feels like he can't finish by someone else's hand - it's just different.

    I can't help but feel we are sexually incompatible and I worry how much of an impact this will have on the relationship.
     
  2. AlmostBlue

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    I think the question you should reexamine is what it means to be satisfied. It seems that you have a very narrow understanding of what it means to experience satisfaction from sex. For your boyfriend, it seems pretty clear that getting off at your hands isn't the sole indicator of sexual satisfaction. Sex to most people is psychological, and it seems that he derives pleasure from the intimacy he shares with you that goes beyond mechanical pleasure. It might help if you viewed this as a positive thing, as he is not just looking to use you to get off, but rather have a physical connection with you. I find that pleasure and satisfaction come in many different variations, and it would be good for you, your relationship with him, and all your potential relationships in the future if you can recognize this. Of course, if this is a deal breaker for you, that's your choice as well. It doesn't mean it will always be a deal breaker, but maybe you want to experience something different at the time being, which is fine. In general though, it's good to keep in mind that sex is a form of communication, which means it will only be great if both can imagine the other person's perspective and respect it.
     
  3. Vanguard

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    Perhaps you're right however, during my many sexual encounters with other partners and one night stands, I have never come across this and it's strange for me to adjust - knowing that my partner is satisfied by pleasing me which isn't a problem but to know that I might never have an physical effect on him is quite unnerving. I also want to form physical and psychological connections and obviously prefer the intimacy to just cold sex. And as you say, sex is a form of communication and if every time all the focus is on me and then he has to roll over and finish himself, I don't know what that speaks. It feels selfish and lazy and it doesn't sit right with me. I do not want to be his previous relationship's routine and likewise, I do not want it to be mine.

    The only way we can grow and learn what each other like and don't, is by experimenting and seeing what works for both of us - however he seems very cut and clear about works for him and doesn't. And the same with me...
     
  4. AlmostBlue

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    I don't mean to monopolize this discussion, and hopefully others will chime in, but I'm confused. What do you mean you have no physical effect on him? What I understood was that he wants to finish himself. I assume that otherwise he is fully engaged, receptive to your touch, and reciprocal. If this is not the case, then that's definitely an issue. What do you mean by the focus is on you the whole time and then he rolls over and finish?

    If it's simply the case that he cannot climax with too much external stimuli, then I think that's something totally different. This is purely a physical thing. If he literally tells you that you're not doing a good job and rolls over and finishes himself off in boredom while watching porn, that would be terrible, but that is not the case from how you describe it. I think you take it personally in such a way, because you judge satisfaction solely on orgasm, when he places a different value on sex. You say that this specific issue has not happened in your past encounters, but different values towards sex is very common.

    This reminds me of a similar issue that some heterosexual couples talk about. As women are built differently from men and could have a harder time to reach orgasm but many still find immense satisfaction from sex nevertheless. Men feel like they fail if they can't get the female partner to reach orgasm, and so the female partner has to fake it, etc.etc. and it's a pretty bad miscommunication, I feel (just an example). I've heard women complain that men tend to think sex is a race towards orgasm, which it isn't. Maybe from your past experiences and habitual preferences, you've also adopted a similar attitude? This isn't to say that's a bad thing.

    The bottom line is, an orgasm cannot be forced, and if he can't attain it through your hands, then that's not about laziness or selfishness. It also doesn't mean you're failing. It also doesn't mean that he doesn't appreciate having sex with you. I think all these ideas are jumbled up in your mind. If possible, I think it's good to untangle this and see things from a different perspective, but at the end of the day, if making someone reach orgasm is really important to you, then you should embrace that, and deem this relationship as incompatible. In that sense, I hope you don't feel like I'm criticizing you. I'm just mentioning all this because you mentioned not wanting to ruin things with your boyfriend over this.
     
    #4 AlmostBlue, Dec 24, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2015