Hi everyone. As some of you may know, I'm a 17-year-old Italian gay boy. I'm facing a very difficult period because of my homosexuality. I really hope I'll get some advice. I'm gay; I have always known that, but nobody else does. My parents and my friends don't know I'm gay; probably they haven't guessed that because I'm not femine, I look quite straight, even tho I like guys. So, basically, I can't lean on anybody IRL. Why haven't I told them already? Here things get quite tricky. While I'm sure that my mom would at least try to understand how I feel and help me out, my dad is very homophobic. «The last thing I want to discover in my life, is that my son is a faggot», he keeps saying. I could still tell my mom and not my dad but, you know, she isn't that good at keeping secrets, so I'm not very convinced. I also have a younger brother, who has a girlfriend and he is is no less homophobic then my father. What about my friends? Well, I have very few. My schoolmates are almost my only friends. This is due to the fact that I'm shy, socially anxious, and I don't like sports (while everybody else does here). So, I'm already quite lonely, and I'm sure I'd become even more lonely if I did came out, because (at least here), no teen wants to hang out with a gay. Okay, okay, this isn't a universal truth. There are some gay-friendly guys out there, and I think that the more guys grow up the more they stop being ignorant and homophobic. But, as I said, non-homophobic guys of my age are still quite uncommon. What about girls? Most of them are gay-friendly but... I really don't get along with them, indeed most of my friends are guys. I don't share interests with girls, and it's much easier for me to talk and to stay with guys. Now, the real big problem. There's one of my classmates who's different from the others. We have many interests in common, we are actually very similar to each other. He is intelligent, the kind of guy you can always talk to, who loves to always learn new things and compare opinions about everything, just like me. That's why after 4 years of school together, he is my best friend. But after some years of seeing each other everyday for five hours a day or more, I started to feel something for him. And after fours years, I actually fall in love with him. Little problem: he's probably straight. I'm trying to tell myself to stop thinking about a future together with him, because there will be no such a future. But still, when I'm with him I'm perfectly happy – I feel like I don't need anything else – and when I'm not with him I get sad or even depressed thinking about my future or about what he could be doing without me. We are probably going to stay together and see each other for quite a long time: we have started our last year of school, and then I think we'll go to the same University. This fact on one hand relieves me, but on the other hand makes me worry: I can't lie forever, he's gotta know the truth some day. And how will he react? Will he accept me? If he won't, what will I do? I know that the first answer that will come to your mind is "if he doesn't accept you, he wasn't a good friend". Okay, true, but this does not help. As of now, I can't lose him in any condition, I'm too attached to him. I must say I'm optimistic about this; I feel he would understand if I came out. As I said he's intelligent, he's not ignorant or closed-minded like just everyone here, but I have to slowly detatch him from the wrong ideas and opinions he got from his parents and his family, who instead are very closed-minded, racist, homophobic people. Also, he's gotta have a girlfriend sooner or later (in this time I think he never had one). He'll also get married. And what about me? I also thought that one solution could be distract myself. Of course I would be very happy if I found a boyfriend – other then him. But where and how to find one? I can't go around the city asking guys if they are gay. And I can't shout "I'm gay" and wait for someone to come because – again – nobody got to know that I'm gay. I tried joining some gay-themed meeting websites, and I have only found (and met) three guys who live near me. I like none of them. So what? What's my future gonna be like? Whenever I ask myself this question I get depressed. There's only a small hope that University might solve at least some of my problems. You know, older, more mature and intelligent guys... and more guys means more gay guys. That's it. This is my situation. I hope you didn't find this long text boring. Thank you for your support.
From the sound of it, you will be going to University soon and as you say, you will have a lot more options there. Once you finish University, you should consider living in a large city where things are generally more liberal and accepting. Whether in Italy or some other country will depend on what you do for a living and where you want to live, I suppose. As far as your friend - while he may be straight, the qualities you like and find attractive in him are also qualities you may find in other people. Although you shouldn't fixate on only finding a gay version of him and be open to meeting all different kinds of guys (you may find other traits or combinations of traits that you find even more attractive), you can also give some thought to what you like about your friend and then look for those traits in other guys when you are out in the world. Also, once you are at university you will have the option to create a new support network of peopel who you are out to. This can help you when you come out to your friend - while it will be great if he is totally accepting, it also won't be so devastating if he isn't because your options and horizons will have gotten much broader. Hope this helps, Todd
