Family wars, I don't know what to think or do

Ok, so basically, my family is at war and its my fault.

I came out to my mum in June this year, but it wasn't a very good time. I don't think there would ever be a good time to tell her, but this definitely wasn't it. She'd found out that day, due to an argument between my brother and I, that I had been in school counselling for the last 3 years (due to the emotional abuse she gives me, but she doesn't know that. She thinks it's just for stress). And she got angry about that, but then cooled off and asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell her. So I told her that I'm gay.

She lost her shit. She threatened to kick me out; gave me a picture of my brothers and told me that I might as well keep it because she would make sure that none of them ever saw me again, put my dog up for sale, made me pack a bag to leave with, told my 3 year old brother that he'd have to get used to me not being there because I'd be leaving soon. I think she realised that she couldn't get rid of me without being investigated by social services, so she gave up on that one. But she took all of my electronics away, and when she did, she found out that I had told my auntie that I was gay and had her support. So my mum completely cut her off.

3 days after coming out, I got an emergency appointment at CAHMS. I got diagnosed with 'extreme sadness' which is basically depression, but not medicated. I was scheduled for therapy sessions to help cope with helpless and suicidal feelings. My mum didn't allow me to attend any of these.

Now I know that, to a certain extent, my family knew about what happened. I didn't know exactly what, until yesterday when I visited my Nanny (dads mum) for the day. She said that the reasoning my mum had passed on to my Nana (mums mum) was that my Auntie knew about my counselling and had encouraged me not to tell my mum. Which is not true at all. I didn't tell my mum because I didn't trust her, and now I have more reason not to. And then she called my auntie on her phone so that I could talk to her, and I updated her on stuff, like my girlfriend of 6 months that she never got to hear about.

My mum is saying that she will forgive my auntie if she apologises (?!) But my auntie is refusing to apologise because she's not the one in the wrong here.

Now here's the thing that almost making me cry; my Nanny has been researching for months now to make sure that if I found myself in a position that I couldn't stay at home, that I would be able to stay with her. And half of my entire fucking family has been in on this, those that are able to see me making sure I'm ok, and passing on info to eachother to make sure that I'm safe. Even the half that is masquerading as my mums ally actually think that the way she treats me is evil. None of them know the whole story: only my Nanny now knows about my depression and that my mum is forcing me into careers I don't want to do, and none of them know that I'm gay.

The way that I am treated is obvious to even people who barely see me, and I don't know why but I'm so surprised. I guess I sort of become numb to it, and get used to it. This is my life. I have panic attacks almost every day and have gone into school crying because of verbal abuse more than once. And I spent so long thinking I was just overreacting, and that this happens to loads of people, and that I should just get over it, and I guess... although I know it's not the worst, and never will be the worst... maybe it's pretty bad? Maybe I'm not just an absolute whimp.

I just don't know what to do from here. I'm 16 in 2 months, and my mum has all these plans to get me a moped so I can get to college... but if it means another 2 years of depression, anxiety and feeling suicidal, followed by a whole fucking lifetime of undoing the paths she's made for me... I can't do it, I actually just want to die right now. I don't feel equipped to make these decisions and I just feel so fucking pathetic because there's always that stupid niggling doubt telling me that I'm making a big fuss out of nothing and I don't know what to think anymore, it's driving me insane. I feel like I'm going to die if I stay, but if I move out I fear I'll regret it and realise that my situation isn't bad at all and I'm just being selfish. I literally don't know any more.

Sorry for such a big post. There's so much shit going on, it's difficult to explain.

 

I know that I'd be happier if I moved away, but it's just I don't want to place anyone under financial struggles, and I'm afraid that I'll be a massive burden on anyone else that I go to. And at what point do I tell my mum that I'm leaving? Pack my stuff? I don't want my brothers to suffer either. But then... when she was threatening to kick me out before, they were just happy because they'd be able to have their own room each. They couldn't wait for me to leave. It's just so many decisions to make. What documents do I need to take with me? Do I need my passport and birth certificate? I'd be eligible for financial support but my mum would have to consent to it. Would I break my family up even more? I don't know if I'm worth all of this. I'd cause less harm if I just killed myself.

 

I just feel really selfish. On paper, my family looks amazing; we went on a holiday this month, we get given big and expensive Christmas presents, whatever we ask for, we usually get. It's just the lack of emotional support that is making me depressed. I would give absolutely everything up just to be able to have a mother who loved and accepted me.

If I went to like with my nan, my 15 year old autistic brother would never be able to see her again. My mum would never speak to her again. I'd probably never see my Nana again, or my brothers. I would create such a huge divide in my family, and sometimes I just feel like... for what? I mean, I guess that's the anxiety speaking. Is my situation bad enough to legitimise splitting my entire family?

I would literally cause less trouble if I died. I'd be gone, there'd be no me left to fight over, and the family would heal itself and get over it's shit.

 

I'm going to speak to my counsellor when I get back to school. See what she thinks, and whether she thinks that my home situation is bad enough to warrant moving out. That's the bit that I'm uncertain of. What if my depression is just making everything seem out of proportion. I don't know.

I also don't know how everything is gonna play out. Whether I will be able to afford things like textbooks and stuff for college if I live with my grandparents. They're retired now, and are selling their big house to downsize to something more manageable. They don't have a whole lot of money, and looking after any teenager isn't going to be cheap. And then to some extent I'm going to need stuff from home. At what point do I begin to pack up my stuff to leave? Do I need to take my passport with me? My birth certificate? What do I even need to do. I'm so done, I just don't want to exist. I wish I could just lay down and stop existing, it would save so many people so much stress. Even I don't want to put up with my shit anymore.