Trial Attempt to Come Out to Parents...Backfired!

For those of you who are confused...I'm an Indian in my mid-twenties who is between jobs and am still staying with my parents. Unlike the common trend of moving out and staying away, this is quite common in this part of the world.

I knew I had to come out to my parents some time or the other. So I decided to come out to them about something equally as shocking (culturally) when compared to my sexuality.

That is my drinking habit. Unlike most people, while my parents are modern, they are still plenty traditional at heart. My parents are staunch teetotalers and vegetarians. I like to drink socially and have done so maybe 5 times in this past year. So I know my limits and everything.

The last three times, I bought beers from my local shop and hid them at home. I drank when I knew they were out for a couple of days every time.

I decided to come out to them about this. I knew that depending on their reaction I will be able to judge how they'd react if I came out to them about my sexuality.

My sister knows I drink only beer and even that occasionally. I told her I was coming out to my parents about it and she suggested I be assertive, while respectful and gentle, and tell them that I will continue to drink socially or however I want and that they should respect that.

It blew up in my face spectacularly and I spent the last half an hour crying in my room under my blankets. I'm an extremely happy person and look for the bright things in life. But somethings upset me a lot and I get really emotional when that happens. That is what happened now.

My dad seemed somewhat cool about it. He takes things professionally and my mother takes things emotionally. He said "First of all I want to commend you for being honest with us. I want an oath from you that you will never ever drink alone. That is the worst thing anyone can do."

I thought things were going good, but they went downhill from there. My mother was openly crying saying that she suspected it, but she trusted me immensely and that I broke her trust. My parents were going on and on about how I'm enjoying everything in life now when I should be working hard to get out of the situation I'm in.

I'm living under their roof and living off my dad's money and I should be grateful. That I'm wasting his money by doing unacceptable things. That I know what I was doing was wrong, but I still did it and by that she can never trust me again. That going forward they'll never give me any money without cause, because they know I'll blow on it something like this.

She said I need to concentrate on my life. Try to get a job and try to get into a university wherever I want. But now my dad is like, if you are going around our backs and doing all of this when you are living with us and under our supervision, how can I believe you are going to be alright and taking care of yourself when you move to US/Canada/Europe or anywhere you say you will go to do your Post-Graduation? I don't want a situation where I need to fly to US to bail you out of Jail or have to beg the College to take you back when you get kicked out. It is unacceptable.

They concluded by saying that New Years' is fast approaching. And that unless I prove that I "can turn my life around" quickly and "regain" their trust, they are not going to be helping me move out and that he will not spend any more money on me, nor support me beyond shelter, food and clothes unless I turn my life around.

I'm speechless and shattered.

I know they mean well and that they want me to turn my life around and that they'll be the first ones happy when I do move on. But I can't help feel Hurt and really really sad.

I know now that coming out to them about my sexuality is going to be very difficult. I might never do that now. I don't know what my future holds.

I feel like a horrible son. A horrible Human Being and a waste of space. I am not so off my rocker as to go slit my wrists, but I just wish I'd die so that I won't be a burden or a disappointment to my parents.

Please Help me. I'm pathetic, I know. This is not the person I am. Help. :tears:

 

Thank you for your reply. What you are saying is all true. But it's not getting to my head or heart.

I think you have me confused with beastwith2backs. I did not get any links from Todd.

I realize I'll probably being the closet for a very long time. That is what scares me. If my parents have a problem with me drinking at home, they'll definitely blow and up at my sexuality.

It hurts so much. I made a mistake even attempting to come out my disclosing my alcoholic habits. I should've hid everything from them no matter how guilty I'd feel. I realize that now. I'm so stupid for not realizing it sooner.

As much as I try to not think about it too much I can't help feel hurt by all of this. It hurts a lot. :tears:

Firstly, Thanks for your advice.

I love my parents a lot and am grateful for them for a number of things. So I can't call them controlling or manipulative. I feel that they have just as much right over me as I have over myself.

My sister is my ally. But my parents don't know that she and my brother-in-law drink either. My Brother-in-Law is secretly a non-vegetarian too. My sister and I are keeping that a secret from them. So she can't help me. I don't want to out her.

I know there is time to regain their trust. That is basically the problem. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's basically my fault. Had I overcome my problems and moved on, I would have been somewhere else now living on my own and none of this would've occurred.

Focusing on the future is the only thing I can do. . But it doesn't help when my parents are constantly bringing my "failure" up and mom my cries, like she did this morning again, saying that her "upbringing" had a failure and that she blames herself for me "turning out like this".

I feel like someone has pushed a knife into my heart and twisted it. It hurts so much.

 

They are extremely conservative. They have modern views and stuff when compared to the rest of my relatives, but they are not open to some things.

UPDATE:

My mom made me drive her to the supermarket a few hours ago. She began talking to me in the car again. I told her to let it go and that we'll move on. I told her I already promised Dad that I wouldn't drink again and that I intend to keep that promise as long as I'm under their roof and living off dad's money. She started asking if that means I will start drinking as soon as I move away.

I'm trying to explain that I'm remaining in my limits by drinking occasionally and responsibly. I've never drove while drinking and I'm acting responsibly. Her answer was "Why cross the limit in the first place and then feel guilty and come out to us about it? While we appreciate you were honest, why did you start drinking in the first place. When you know we don't like it and that's not how I raised you, what did you expect. Is your goal in life to become a drunkard?"

"Get a job. Move out. Become something in life. Then do what you want." That's what she said. I agreed with her and said I will. Then she was like "So that means when you do all that you will still drink? Have you no shame."

It hurt me so bad that she is contradicting her own statements. I understand where they are coming from, but this is my life too. They're saying they won't interfere in my life, but they'll definitely step in and "guide" me off the wrong path if they see me doing something wrong.

This is frustrating. If only I kept my bloody mouth shut! None of this would've happened. I came out to them only because I thought that was the way to a healthy relationship with them.

 

UPDATE:

I've barely been talking to my parents. I avert my gaze and am walking on eggshells around them. I don't blame them for anything and still love and respect them. But it is hard and painful to be around them. I can't go anywhere else so I have to stay here.

I planned a big new years eve dinner today. The three of us are going for a fancy hotel to dinner today. I booked it weeks ago. Now I'm feeling really anxious to go. I really hope we can get through the evening without bringing up what happened. I don't think I can take it if they begin talking harshly and lecture me.

 

UPDATE:

My parents went out for the weekend again and got back home yesterday. My mom confronted me if I drank again while they were out. She said she trusted me enough to not call and check up on me while she was gone, but she's asking now anyway. I told her I hadn't. She said that I had gone down the negative door far enough and I need to pull out of it.

I was so mad that I wanted to tell her that I hadn't made a mistake and that wanting to drink isn't a crime. But I held back realizing that I'd just make things worse.

I wish I'd never come out to them about it in the first place.