Please help me parse down a letter to my mother

AwesomGaytheist · Dec 31, 2015

Hi everyone. If you know me, you know that my family is so damn dysfunctional and it's rearing its ugly head again.

This past spring, my mother dragged me home from college (and my boyfriend) because she claimed she "couldn't afford it anymore because her business isn't doing well," despite the fact that my parents' combined after-tax income is still in the six-figure range.

Now that we've had quite a few family developments, and my family situation at home has gotten even worse, I've clearly communicated my intent to return to my beloved Western Michigan in the fall. That's where the problems come in.

My mother yesterday flew into a fit of rage and told me there's no way in hell she'll cosign for any student loans, thus basically ending any chance that I would have of coming up with the funds to pay tuition. I don't know how much of that was just emotion, but she pissed me off and I said some things I shouldn't have. My mother knows exactly which buttons to push and when to push them, and put bluntly, since my grandmother had a stroke three and a half months ago, she's turned into a spiteful bitch (pardon my language) that frankly none of her sisters who cycle in and out of this house want to be around. I've basically made up my mind that I'm either going back to Western or I'm just going to get in my car and go. I really don't want to do that, but I feel like I have no other option. So without further ado, here's the "Pouring out all these raw emotions that won't let me sleep" version.

Mom,

I'm sorry for losing my temper the other day, but you've got to understand where I'm coming from. I have a plan for school, for a career, and yes, for paying back my student loans. The thought of dropping that burden on your lap never crossed my mind, and nor would it, like any responsible adult.

This is yet another thing you don't ever give me credit for. I am an adult, and a responsible adult, something I never get credit for from you. You discount everything I say and do, especially on this matter of my college education, in an oppositional-defiant manner. You dragged me back here by cutting off the finances, and to your credit, you had a point at that time. I was depressed and my grades weren't great. But since then, I've gotten what I needed: a stable medication plan. I've gotten in order what needed to be gotten in order, and you still steadfastly and vehemently oppose any effort of mine to get out of this house. You say you don't understand why I want out, but the answer hasn't changed since the last time this issue came up: Dad.

Despite your denials and insistence that he's not the way he used to be, you're wrong. He is a mentally abusive, self-centered narcissist who sees and uses me as a verbal punching bag, as someone to take out his frustrations on. While you somehow find the way he treats you acceptable, nobody else in this house does. Since Grandma had her stroke, (Aunt #1) doesn't want to come visit her mother more than a few hours at a time because he's going to be there. (Aunt who's been staying with us since this happened) can't stand being around him, and is not just looking forward to Grandma's recovery for her own sake, but also to being out of our house and not having to put up with him anymore. You can choose to sit around and use the fact that I have Asperger's as a scapegoat for all my issues and our family's dysfunction, but the fact is that you are using my Asperger's diagnosis as a cruel defense mechanism to justify the fact that you are being subjected to emotional and mental abuse every single day. The hard truth is that I have to be fairly well-medicated to be able to survive in this household, and any way you slice it, that's not healthy.

Secondly, based on your emotional state after I left for Kalamazoo my freshman year and since I've been back home, I have begun to get the sense that it's not actually finances driving your hostility toward the idea of me going back to Western. I really get the sense that you're having issues letting me go and accepting the fact that I'm a grown adult.

Finally, if you want to talk about finances, fine. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter where I go to school, whether locally or back home at Western, I'm going to have to borrow money. That's a fact that's not going to change. No matter how loud or how many times you and (aunt #2) say, "Get a scholarship" the fact doesn't change that even if there was anything I qualified for, I can guarantee you that it's not going to cover the entire cost. I will have to borrow money. Receiving a scholarship isn't some kind of educational nirvana, even if you're lucky enough to get a full-ride through athletics or academics or whatever. As I just got done saying, federal financial aid is only going to cover about $3500 a semester. Now let's say that lightning strikes and I received some kind of aid, which again, despite your denials is extremely unlikely, that wouldn't be more than $1000. So now with a $9000-$10,000 tuition bill due, I'd be short about $4500-$5500. Your refusal to cosign would still make a college education impossible to attain, whether that was here or in Kalamazoo, even after getting a scholarship.

So that said, both you and I have two options. I'm either going back to Western, or I'm going off on my own. I think that deep down, you and I both want the same option. Simply put, I can't stand it anymore. I'm not being hard on you just for the sake of being mean or for yelling at you, it's the cold hard truth. You and I both know that I'm not going to get through school without your help, and with that, I humbly ask for it. All I ask is for you to be the cosigner on my student loans. I'm not asking you to pay them, and I'm not asking for anything more. This isn't an angry fit, and nor is it an empty threat. This is keeping me up at night, so much so that I'm sitting here writing this out at 4 AM because I need to get these emotions out and to say what needs to be said without losing my temper. So with that, we've got another eight months before these decisions need to be made, and I hope you'll get over the initial hurt of having a truth bomb dropped on you and think these things through with a clear head.

Sincerely,

AwesomGaytheist
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Stoccata · Dec 31, 2015

It looks like a good letter to me. I might add another "again, I'm sorry for (whatever it is that you're probably not all that sorry for given the circumstances) for the sake of appeasement. ;-)

Sorry about your situation by the way, I hope it improves.

SemiCharmedLife · Dec 31, 2015

I think it's good

mbanema · Dec 31, 2015

If your parents are still close your mom may not be able to overlook you criticizing your dad and take your points at face value, but if he's as bad as you make him out to be then it needs to be said. Whether your parents are in any way to help out with your tuition is there decision, but they certainly are not justified in withholding that support as a means of controlling you. I'm sure they'd offer a different take on this, but if that's accurate I think it's pretty messed up. I'm sure having a kid move out on his own is a very bittersweet moment for all parents, but their job is to make sure you're able to succeed in the real world.

I don't really have any suggestions on your letter -- I think you communicate what you wanted to say effectively and in a respectful tone. I'm not convinced this will be well-received based on how confrontational you've made your relationship out to be over the past couple of years on here, but I think it was a good move to commit to moving out one way or the other. Hopefully your parents will recognize your determination and help you go down the road that sets you up better for the future.

Good luck!

AwesomGaytheist · Dec 31, 2015

So my dad just gave me some long speech about my weight and my grades and " proving you can handle college." Whatever. You know what, I'll bite my tongue and sell the devil my soul if it gets me back where I belong. Don't you hate those times when you know you're right and you have to stoop to someone else's level to get what you want?

Please help me parse down a letter to my mother

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Please help me parse down a letter to my mother

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