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Recent dating Vs overseas holiday/vacation

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mangotree, Jan 1, 2016.

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  1. mangotree

    mangotree
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    Been a while since I've posted on here, but just wanted to ask a question that's been running through my head recently.

    A couple of weeks ago I started dating a really nice/hot guy (having our third date tomorrow) and I'd really like to keep dating him.
    The problem is, in 3 weeks time, I have a pretty big trip to an overseas gay pride event among other things. Which I planned way before meeting my date.

    Now, I'm not someone who sleeps around, and I wouldn't expect - even if I was totally single - that I would have any 'flings' while I was overseas, being that I'm quite shy and insecure.
    That said, in the unlikely event that a very sexy opportunity arose while I was there, while I was single, I wouldn't say no.

    So, all going well, I would have had maybe 5 or 6 dates with the guy at home before I leave for overseas. And as I said, I want to keep dating him when I get back.

    There's 3 things working against me though:
    1. I know from experience that being a visitor in another country makes me more attractive to locals (the accent, and possibly the temporary nature of my stay)
    2. If I commit to the guy here (even if it's just in my own mind), I know from experience that 'not being available' makes me relax more in social situations, which will again make me more attractive
    3. Myself and the guy at home are in the very very early stages of dating and getting to know one another, so there's a chance that I could get back from overseas and it might not work out for one reason or another.

    That's still certainly not saying that any 'flinging' will happen overseas, but those factors could make it a little more likely than if I was going over there as a totally single dude.

    I've thought about talking to the guy at home and finding out how he feels about it, but it feels like it's too early (third date) to be asking. It would almost be like asking him to choose either to commit to me now or to 'put us on hold' until I get back - and I think that would be a really unfair thing to ask.

    I know the best thing would be to wait until just before I leave and see how far our 'dating' has gotten. Perhaps by then, I will be confident that our relationship will continue strongly for a long while when I get back.
    If we are not at that stage though, I'm not sure how the conversation would go.

    I don't want to screw up this dating / potential relationship at home, I've been waiting for him for a long time.
    But I also don't want to pass up fun opportunities (in the unlikely event that they occur) as a result of the possibility that the hotty at home won't get sick of me sometime soon.

    Any suggestions on what to do or say would be greatly appreciated.
    I hope I've explained myself clearly.
    Sorry this is long.
     
    #1 mangotree, Jan 1, 2016
  2. Aspen

    Aspen
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    I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting another week or two to tell him unless the subject comes up naturally in conversation. You don't have to lead with the fact that you are considering the possibility that someone might want to hook up with you after all. Just mention that you're going overseas to the pride event and then see how he reacts on his own.

    If someone else asked you on a date tomorrow, would you say yes? If you found out the guy is going on a date with someone else, would you be okay with that? If the answer to either question is "No" then you might want to consider a conversation about whether the two of you are exclusive. Hooking up with someone while on a trip might seem different but I don't think that it is.

    Here's the thing you have to decide: What do you want from anyone that approaches you at the event? It doesn't matter if they're attracted to you because you're foreign or because you look more confident or anything else. You can say no. If it turns out that he wants to be exclusive and you wanted to hook-up that might be a bigger concern to a potential relationship than whether or not he'll lose interest.
     
    #2 Aspen, Jan 1, 2016
  3. mangotree

    mangotree
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    Excellent point ... how would I feel in his shoes if the roles were reversed?
    Probably not great. Even at this early stage.
     
    #3 mangotree, Jan 1, 2016
  4. stumble along

    stumble along
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    I've been in this before except I was gone for 3 months. I flat out told them that while they were great, we just became exclusive and this trip has been planned for a long time in advance and was a once in a lifetime experience. So I said that when I was away, anything goes since it was temporary.

    Actually we had that talk while also talking about becoming exclusive because it was my only hang up. In the long term the "relationship" crashed and burned but it wasn't because of that decision.
     
    #4 stumble along, Jan 2, 2016
  5. mangotree

    mangotree
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    Thank you both.
    We ended up having a straight forward and honest conversation about it this morning.
    We're all good and we're on the same page. And we're both glad that we can be honest with each other about everything.
    What a great guy! :grin:
     
    #5 mangotree, Jan 3, 2016
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