My mum took my laptop to look up a recipe and I had forgotten what I had open on it. This article about lesbian themed songs and my playlist full of them were up. We have guests but she took the time to pull me upstairs to ask me about it. I lied that me and my friend were having a laugh sending each other weird stuff. I dunno whether she believed me or she was just too busy with the guests to hang around but she let me go. I am currently enduring a whole day of anxiety about this while trying to act normal for the guests. My worries are: 1. My super religious aunt might have seen it and next time we're alone shes gonna try and give me some therapy or something. 2. Basically anyone else as well as my mum might have seen it. 3. My mum is mulling this over and is gonna bring it up when the guests are gone. And if you've read my other thread about my mother you know why I don't even want to talk to her about it. She wont beleive me, will make fun of me and she won't let me change her mind no matter what cos I'm a dumb child. There's really no point to this post other than this is currently all I'm thinking about and I need something to do other than trying to keep a neutral facial expression.
I looked at your earlier post. I am sorry to have to say this, but it does sound like your mum suspects something. It doesn't sound like you are in a position to come out, so I guess you are just going to have to brazen it out. I mean, what can she prove? You are at an age when people tend to be curious. Just say you are curious. I recall as a teenager getting a whole pile of books out of the public library about illegal drugs. It gave my mum a start. But I hadn't done drugs and didn't do so. Just because you look at something, it doesn't mean you are going to do it. That's the line I would probably stick to, anyway. Maybe say you have a classmate you suspect is lesbian, and are looking to see what the signs are?
Yeah, I'll just keep lying because I really don't want to have a proper conversation about it. I don't think your explanation would work though... She knows that I actually know gay and bi girls and she finds their existence rather unsettling. I don't want to reinforce her wierd idea that my school is a hive of lesbians who influence straight girls. Your right in saying that she can't prove anything... But the fact that she was suspicious before and now she's now suspicious enough to confront me, I'm worried shes gonna start really pulling me up on stuff even more. My religious Aunt literally just gave me a bible as a Xmas present, gripped my arm and said "do some searching". Hahaha. I'm wondering whether that's just her usual weirdness or if she saw something too...
Looks like this is coming back to me now... Basically I go to a girl's school, right. Today I had a great day at school but when I came back my mum kills my vibes talking about my dodgy music and how she regrets every sending me to any sort of public school. And then I try to just ask her if she wants tea a bit later and she says "all this stuff you tell me goes on at that school (referencing some lesbian gossip). Your not becoming part of that are you?". I'm just like NO! But I had to say it so many times... It was just embarrassing. The way she talks about this stuff she makes me feel like a dirty weirdo. And then I start questioning myself. I feel a bit ill. I'm thinking similarly to in my old thread linked above like I'm not real, I don't really like girls that this " weird public school" is seriously tricking me into it. I feel ill. I want to get out of this house omg so I can think straight (about being not-straight lol). Aaa. I feel ILL.
Sorry your mum is like that, but don't let her make you feel that way. Don't give her that. That's what she wants, that's not the way things really are. What you feel is what you feel. You were born to have the attractions you have. Even if you're still figuring it out, it doesn't change that. And even if that wasn't the case, even if environment could cause you to have certain attractions, then who cares? What you feel is fine, no matter why it is you feel that way. It's not harming anyone. It's attraction. If you're into someone, you're into them. But you're born with that anyway. Yeah I guess just keep lying to her would be your best option until you're out of the house. If you need to and want to, I would suggest even doing things to seem straight, like setting your computer background as a hot male celebrity for example or mentioning things off-hand like that about guys. But don't let her make you feel that way. You are who you are and it's sad that she can't accept that now but too bad for her for choosing to feel that way and missing out.
Thanks again, Bubbles. Yeah I've been way too chill about what signals I'm giving off because I guess 1. I didn't expect her to actually be so pissed off by the whole idea and 2. I completely stopped caring about how much I annoy her with my actions in general ages ago but I wasn't really realising that somehow someone getting pissed at you for something that is part of your identity is just a bit soul crushing no matter what. Even though we've argued a lot since I've turned about 15 we have still been weirdly close when not angry and so I've always told her everything about my life, so I didn't think much of telling her about that insane lesbian gossip that happened last term which I mention above, since it was great drama and I know she likes hearing about drama at school since she has a pretty boring life (I would feel more sorry for her if she was nicer -I won't be being her entertainment any more) but I wasn't expecting situation where she would turn that back on me in an interrogation - it was a ridiculous story completely unrelated to me (I've never even told her anything related to me like how a close friend of mine is bi)! I wont be doing that again. Anyway, our lingering closeness is breaking down recently since I just want to keep away from her angry self (telling her about my problems is not even helpful any more, she used to get angry at other people and sort stuff out but now she gets angry at me) and whenever she goes on about lgbt stuff I don't even wanna touch her. So I have been quite happily telling her less about my life, not that any of that stuff had anything to do with me anyway. Yeah, I could change my computer and phone backgrounds. My computer is Kstew looking very gay and my phone is Laura Prepon from OITNB, not that she knows about that show. And the only poster on my wall is an all girl band. I can change that, not that she has been lookinga t any of that (apart from the poster) but she could... Seriously though... she has never had any reason to think I was straight - I've been a tomboy obsessed with female celebrities, without any boyfriends all my life. Maybe we might have had hypothetical convos about qualities in guys and I was fine with that cos I'm not completely gay either haha but I've never mentioned any boy to her. Perhaps my younger self's agreement with her homophobia would be a reason, but I just didn't know any better and being lifted of worshipping her opinions is basically what helped me figure some stuff out. Anyway, I don't see why she wouldn't be able to see that this is not something I just am being freakishly peer pressured into. Thats such a dumb idea I can't even... I will have to start shutting up when she says random homophobic things and stop being so blasé about what I talk about and use private browsing omg just lie low. You would hope if I'm making her super suspicous she would try and be nice about it, but since she isn't I have to stop doing that.
What are your Goals/Aims/Target for the future? Honestly, from what I've read it looks like someday it will all explode and you gonna have a bad time with your family and you gonna feel isolated. You should at least think of the idea of looking for a way to move and live on your own. I know how this works, one day you gonna forget about something more "Impactful" in your Pc, or they gonna hear a conversation of yours in the Phone and they gonna get mad and they will destroy you inside. Its sad, but its the feeling I've got from reading you, this looks like its leading to something bigger. They are constantly despising you ATM. PS: What does your father think?
Thanks Martyr and cakepiecookie. My mum is not my only family; my dads side of my family includes some pretty liberal uni hippy people lol, including my half siblings. Talking about my dad, he's dead so I have no idea what he would think. Just me and my crazy mother in this house trying to kill each other. And yes, cakepiecookie I have promised her many times I will move out when I'm 18 and I will do all I can to follow through with that because I don't want to spend another second cooped up with her.
Thank you, bookreader. I always write super long messages but that short one was just perfect. I was feeling a bit stressed about this today and I had a mock exam and it wasn't helping so yeah I just had to be thinking "keep on being strong" thanks for reminding me. I literally ran upstairs this evening when she started going on about it today. She asked if I had something to tell her but I don't feel comfortable telling her anything when she's been being so hostile about it and the question had been prefaced by a rant about all the dodgy stuff I do on my computer and how much it freaks her out and what an embarrassment it was for her to see that article open on my laptop hen people were around. So I deflected until just had to leave. Ugh
