Hi, EC! I really need help. I am a pure bottom and i am dating a versatile-top. We have been together for 5 years. Recently, he said his sex drive is getting lower, because there is a bottom side of him longing for being dominated by a man. I was confused, there were several times that I am on top of him in bed. I asked about what does he feel about that? He said, it feels like that we are straight couple and having a woman-on-top position. Apparently, he takes me as a woman in his mind, and I won't deny that I am quite effeminate. Can somebody please tell me how to be more manly and versatile? How can I change his view about me? Because I know that sex life plays a significant part in a relationship, I love him and I don't want to break-up with him because of this. I am so insecure right now. :help: :help: :help:
Can you clarify what this means? Did you insert your penis into him? Or did he insert his penis into you while you were sitting on top of him?
Is there any way you could try topping him? Do you not feel up to it? Is it a stamina thing? Perhaps something like viagara could help get you in the mood to top? Plus there are toys and other things you can use on him.
As versatile myself, my guess is your boyfriend wants you to take charge and top him anally. He wants to submit to you and let you dominate him. He wants to feel you inside him and hear your pleasure as you fuck him. It sounds like what you were doing when you were on top wasn't what he had in mind. Now if you don't engage in anal as a couple maybe that's something that needs to change as well.
The sex life may be a big part in a relationship but if either of you aren't enjoying yourselves then it will take it's toll on your relationship either way. No one should feel insecure when it comes to sex, if you're effeminate or don't like the idea of being top then that's just who you are and trying to be more manly when you don't want to will make you enjoy the sex less and then that's not fair on you. You could always talk and try to compromise and work your way up slowly, maybe one day you will top him and you will both enjoy it but there is more to sex than just top and bottom. Why not try toys or role play? Discuss each other's fantasies and see what you can try? And take time with foreplay, I'm top myself but a lot of the best sex I've had has been with other tops because you focus on other stuff more rather than getting in and finishing the job so to speak lol. I hope this helps anyway.
@sienna: I don't think it's a problem about anal, but it's a problem how he perceives me that affects our sex life. Because he sees me as an effeminate man in everyday life, he can't feel being dominated by man when i am playing with him. @shabang: So here's a longer story, it's a lil bit complicated, but i'm going to make it as short as possible. About a month ago, the relationship between us was kind of loose (my fault). He started to play ****** and met a man 2 years older than him. I found out that they french kissed. He said sorry, and I forgave him because I don't want to lose him. But then, my boyfriend told me that that man has something that his feminine side longing for, which is manliness and maturity. And since that, our sex life is kinda low. We haven't made out for about 2 weeks now. I'm afraid that I can't give him what he wants and his feeling towards me is gone. I am so depressed right now. I have been searching for hypnotherapy service that can turn me into masculine. I haven't had good sleep these past days. Can somebody please help me? :help:
Handcuffs and blindfold I'm totally serious. If dominance is about control, then these might help. A therapy to turn you more masculine doesn't sound good to me!
Ouch. Ok. I understand how this goes and honesty is the best policy. Big guy. You are who you are. He is who he is. If he cannot accept that you're more effeminate and he wants a more masculine guy, your relationship is in trouble. In these situations you will continue to try being something you are not in order to please him. More than likely you will fail to become what he wants. He will continue to want someone else and then it will probably be bad after that if it is not already. You really need to talk about this with him and understand what he needs as well as what you need. As it stands.. it sounds like both of you are unhappy and if that is the case.. possibly you both need different people in your lives. If you do continue to work on being more of a "top", I think you are in a unique position. Try to think of how he pleasures you and how he turns you. What does he do that you like? He probably wants those things from you as well. In any case, best of luck and love to you both. Please be honest with each other. That is more important than trying to be happy and failing anyway.
Just try topping. It'll probably be weird at first but give it a few goes. If you don't like it and he's going to complain about you not being masculine enough to enjoy being topped then that's his problem not yours.
Thanks for the answer, guys. I have been denying that breaking up is an option... One of the reason I'm afraid of losing him is because he is so loving and I doubt that I can be loved like this again. He is nearly irreplaceable to me. He says he loves me too, but because of this incident, I feel I can be replaced at anytime. He is also smart, handsome, popular, and many gay guys like him. I wish I was a more manly man...
If he really does love you, then he loves your effeminate side. You shouldn't feel like you were a manly man. Have you told him how this makes you feel? He could have used this as an excuse for his cheating behavior. Maybe this has got nothing to do with you or your "masculinity", but he's just blaming it all on you. Either way, I think you need to have a deep conversation about this with him. Tell him how this makes you feel, especially the part about how you feel you can be replaced and that you are even looking into therapy to make yourself more manly. If he doesn't see this as incredibly problematic, then I think this relationship isn't going to work. Let us know again if you discuss further with him.
