Well, I'm coming out this weekend to my parents, so I should probably get through that first before I worry about other things. However, one of the many reasons I am excited to come out is because I can finally start dating after rejecting girls and finding excuses not to date girls for so long. I'm going to give my family time to process the news. But a few months after I come out, I really want to start pursuing relationships and getting some dating expedience (without going crazy or being desperate). My one problem is going to be my parents, who are already overprotective. When I say, helicopter parents, I mean helicopter (I should say parent; my mom isn't bad, but my dad makes most of the decisions and he is very strict). I live less than 5 miles from a city where there are many gay people, as there are barely any in my town. However, the problem is my dad. I can barely get out of the house now, let alone try and get in a relationship with someone and see them very often (when most potential boys live in the city). I went to the city twice this past week and my dad gave me major problems. No one is going to want to date someone who can barely get out of the house. I know my parents' concern is out of love so that's why I try not to start fights, but I'm 20 years old and have never been on a date while most of my friends have dated multiple people. The city thing bothers me because I have friends who have been going to the city 3 times a week since they were 16 and they had no problems. I love my parents to death, but kind of confused about this situation - even though I will not have to deal with this for a few months. Any opinions would be appreciated!
My apologies, but I'm going to bump this post because I didn't get a response and I could use some help. Maybe the problem is there really isn't anything that can be said to help. *laughs at himself*
You're doing something that many people-myself included-wish they could. I have a boyfriend who's away at college without me for this school year and since they're overbearing and snooping, I frankly don't get out much. Coming out will allow you to be able to get out and date and not have to constantly worry about covering your tracks (And boy do I know that feeling well). One step at a time. If you feel comfortable enough to come out and know they'll take it well, then do it. If you think you're emotionally ready for a boyfriend, then go out and start giving your number to guys.
One of the hardest things for parents, particularly helicopter parents, is letting their kids leave the nest. At 20 years old, you are well beyond where your dad should be letting you make your own decisions (and mistakes!) The trick is helping to reset that boundary. What it's going to take is a long, serious, heartfelt conversation. He's doing what he's doing out of fear of something, and that's based in something in his past, most likely. So it may make sense to directly address that. One way to approach it is to ask at what age he will no longer seek control over you. For most kids, the individuation and independence starts around 15 or 16, and slowly increases over time so that by the time the kid leaves for college s/he is pretty independent. You could ask him what it is about you that makes him feel that you aren't ready to make these decisions yoruself, or what his fear is, or if there's anything he wants to tell you about things that happened in his past that made him feel this way. Depending on how close your relationship is, this could work really well, or he could get defensive and controlling. If he does the latter, you may have to start setting your own boundaries, but that will come with taking whatever consequences come with that. Parents who are controlling (which is what this is) have no boundaries. Unless you can reach him through the heart-to-heart I described above, the typical pattern is that when people try to set boundaries, they get angry and try every trick in the book to regain control. So in those situations, you have to set very rigid boundaries, be prepared for him to try restricting you even further, threatening to throw you out, or not pay for school, or whatever, and you have to be willing to call that bluff (which it almost always is for parents who care.) It could be something that simply moves quite a bit toward resolution with one conversation, if he's open and vulnerable in talking to you... or it could get messy. I hope that's helpful. Please keep us updated on what happens.
I feel bad for you. I dont have the same problem, so I couldnt give any tips I think. THe only thing I could think of is if you told your parents that you're old enough to start taking on responsibillities. Maybe after you come out, they you can tell them how hard it is to find someone. You can maybe make a deal with you dad about how many times and for how long you can go to the city. Maybe if you turn 21, they'll give you some more freedom .
Thanks everyone for the responses, I really appreciate all the advice you offered. You all brought up good points and when the time comes, I will definitely have to mention these things to my dad. Chip, I think you are right about my dad being controlling. Whenever I seem to bring up how strict he is, he makes me feel bad by saying, "Would you rather me not care?" A big problem is he had a lot (probably way too much) of freedom when he was younger. He moved out at 18 years old and lived on his own for a while. After having his wild stage, which I hear was quite wild, he now doesn't want me to do the same. But it's very unfortunate because I've done nothing to make him not trust me. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I rarely ever get in trouble, and I always get home at a reasonable time when I do go out. I'm the kid who leaves social gatherings first because I worry about my dad getting mad if I get home too late. People my age seem to be going out every night and I worry about getting yelled at if I go out with my friends two or three days in a row. Tough situation, but I will definitely keep you all updated. I'm coming out tomorrow, so that should be an experience in itself. Thanks again!
