So here's my deal: I recently (in the past 2 weeks) have come out to basically everyone, which is basically my friends, family, and anyone that asks. And btw, it feels really great to finally come out. Anyway, I have some feelings for one of my close guy friends (let's call him Ben). I've known him for a long time (like 10 years), and before I came out we had many sleep overs together. Now, there's a kid we're both friends with that I know is gay (I've had oral sex with him, let's call him John). A little while ago, "Ben" mentioned that he had had a sleep over with "John" and that they had gotten a little physical. He wasn't that specific, but he told me that "John" felt under his shirt ("Ben" has nice tats ). "Ben" told me he "just wanted to see how far "John" would go", and when I asked him if he got his answer, he kind of grinned and said yes. It seemed to me that he was alluding that they got a little more hard core, but I'm not sure. Since I've come out, he's been kind of shy around me, but I'm not sure this is super unusual because he's kind of a shy person. He hasn't really dated any girls before, but he talks about it sometimes. So here are my options, as far as I can tell. 1. I can leave it alone 2. I can wait and see 3. I can text "John" and ask him directly if anything happened between them (I'm pretty sure he'll tell me honestly) 4. I can just go for it and confess my feelings Any thoughts? I've read lots of posts lamenting how people wished they went after their teenage crushes, but I also don't want to ruin things between us (as friends). Any advice is appreciated.
Hi Neal, This is definitely a tough situation. You guys seem to be close friends (right?), so it's understandable that you don't want to ruin this kind of friendship. Honestly, I'm not sure if Ben is gay. There may be some curiosity going on for him, but there's nothing that you told me that concludes what his orientation is. If you guys are close, I would simply ask him what his orientation is. 10 years is a long time to get close, and I feel like a question like that wouldn't be too personal to ask, but use your best judgement. If he does confirm that he's gay, or bisexual, or anything that would suggest he wouldn't mind being in a relationship with a man, I don't see why you can't ask him if he'd ever want to be in a relationship with you. There is a chance it might dent the friendship a little, but 10 years is quite a strong bond. A little dent isn't something you two can't fix. If he does end up rejecting you, be the bigger person, take a deep breath, and move on. Most importantly, make sure he knows you're moving on, so that the relationship can steer away from the awkwardness. I will warn you and say that from my personal experience, some people are unable to see their friend in any other position other than a friendship after such a length of time (friendzoning them, basically), so just know that that is a large possibility. But hey, nothing life is gained without taking some type of risk, so go for it. You might end up being in a great relationship Good luck!
Thanks for the advice! I agree that he's probably not gay, but I think he may be open to a gay experience (although this could just be wishful thinking). I'm probably going to go with option 3, asking "John" to get a better idea of my chances.
I once told my best friend that I liked him as more than a friend. At the time, I knew him for about the same amount of time you knew your friend; maybe a year or two longer. Yes, I was rejected, but I did get over it and we are still very close friends today. I do not regret telling him, because atleast then I knew. And if it wasn't for that rejection, I may not have met a special someone later on :icon_wink. You never can know what things can happen by an action. Take a chance, make mistakes, and get messy.
