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My dad says he actually wants to change

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AwesomGaytheist, Jan 14, 2016.

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  1. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    The past four days have been rather interesting. This happened on Sunday, and that evening, my parents had a long talk about it. After thirty years of that, my mom finally decided she'd had enough. Initially she was going to file for divorce this week, but decided to give my dad one last chance. He screws up, and he's gone. So he tearfully sat in his car a few minutes ago telling me how much he wants his family back and how he's a changed man.

    I dont believe it just yet. Actions speak louder than words. I'm not sure if I can get past 20 almost 21 years of constant mental abuse and having to hide my emotions all the time. After all, being back here I've turned into the unofficial butler, just a quiet guy who tends the house and minds his own business. And yet I was still subjected to this kind of torment.

    I'm still skeptical, but maybe if things change over a sustained period of time we may be able to work things out. We'll have to see. I just about told him that he owes his mother an apology too.
     
    #1 AwesomGaytheist, Jan 14, 2016
  2. bookreader

    bookreader
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    If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't believe him, I would just watch his actions. Maybe in your mind, do a 3 strike idea. Every time he messes up, cancel a strike. The third and final time, cut him out.
     
    #2 bookreader, Jan 14, 2016
  3. resu

    resu
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    It is not likely your father has completely changed in four days (IMO, he probably needs to go to an anger management class), So he will probably try to test the boundaries soon. Meanwhile, your mother should still draft a plan (and maybe get a lawyer to help) for transitioning. Also, try not to feel you have to figure all this out. What your parents do about their marriage is ultimately their business, so also look for ways you can continue on a path toward independence.
     
    #3 resu, Jan 14, 2016
  4. headsup1958

    headsup1958
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    AwesomGaytheist - I feel for you, your mother and your family (your aunt is awesome for standing up to him, btw). It sounds like the ultimatum was a long time coming and was delivered powerfully based on the reaction of your father. Sometimes it takes a royal kick in the balls like this for a man to "get it". Hopefully your dad will do whatever he needs to do to change himself and re-earn the respect of his family.
     
    #4 headsup1958, Jan 14, 2016
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    It's not *possible* for someone to rewire 20 years of abusive behavior in 4 years. Simply not possible.

    If you have a good line of communication with your mom, what your dad needs to commit to, starting right now, is intensive therapy, probably twice a week for 6 months and then weekly for another year. Even if he wants to, the unresolved issues are going to bring the old behaviors forward after a few weeks, if it lasts even that long.

    And he needs to own all of his past behaviors and apologize and ask to be held accountable when he slips.

    Those, in my book, would be absolute minimums. The problem is, your mother has enabled the behavior for 30+ years and so she also needs help.

    It's good that both seem interested in change. But they can't do it alone. Not if it's going to be meaningful and lasting.
     
    #5 Chip, Jan 15, 2016
  6. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    I'm noticing that he's ever so slowly slipping back into his old ways. I have no idea when he goes to therapy, but he hasn't been there that I've seen since last week. He's still trying to rationalize his behavior, whether or not he realizes it or not. He tried apologizing for the outburst I detailed in my blog post and said, "I'm sorry you had to see that." I kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to ask if he thought that would have been all right if nobody else were around.

    Quite honestly, I feel like the threat of divorce was an empty threat. I hate to use this analogy, but it's accurate: it's like a threat of suicide, in that it's most often a cry for help and an empty threats but one that must always be taken seriously. My mom may not enjoy what he puts her through, but my dad is her financial security blanket. Although she runs the family business, he brings in far more than she does and she certainly would not be able to continue her current lifestyle without his income.

    These past four and a half months have been a fucking reality show and I'm about ready to write myself out of its script. I just have to wait until the fall to go back to my beloved Western Michigan.
     
    #6 AwesomGaytheist, Jan 20, 2016
  7. Gay1234

    Gay1234
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    Honestly I don't see how you would get past that. Maybe I'd suggest you get him to prove that he is a changed many and do this for a while to ensure he most likely did change and that it's not just a phase of change. I don't know but I tried my best here.

    Good Luck,
    Gay1234
     
    #7 Gay1234, Jan 20, 2016
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