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I regret falling in love. What should I do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TimePortal, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. TimePortal

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    I'm a gay guy in my early twenties. About 2 years ago, I met a guy through ******. We instantly hit it off. Up to that point, I had never kissed anyone and I was a virgin. I was innocent and had no idea what I was doing. After our first date, we spent the night together. I didn't know what to expect, but I couldn't have asked for a better first time. He made me feel really special, wanted, and loved. I had never been treated like that by anyone before. He told me that when he has sex, he feels disgusted after ejeculation and wants to leave. But, he said that with me he didn't feel that. He said that it was the first time he didn't feel disgusted and that he wanted to cuddle with me instead of leaving. That led me to believe I was special to him.

    A few months later, he started acting cold and distant. I suspected he was trying to distance himself from me because he was being deployed in a few weeks. I knew he was in the military when I met him but I had no idea what that entailed. Anyways, I tried talking to him and he told me that we were "physically intimate friends" who were also "monogamous." I started to cry because I thought we were a couple for all this time. I felt deceived, used, and most of all, just stupid for being so naive. He later said we were "a little bit more than friends" and proceeded to put my head on his lap and tried to comfort me. Then, he told me "I don't like seeing you like this." (He didnt like seeing me cry). He then said that there's no point in us being together because he wants to get married and have a family. That is, he wants to marry a woman and have kids with her even though he's gay. He told me he was gay when we first met. This took me by surprise and made me feel even worse.

    A few days later I told him that I was okay with remaining "friends". But internally, it was hard for me to process it. On the last day that we saw each other, he helped me move out of my old place. I asked him to tell me the truth and asked him if it was true that he feels disgusted after sleeping with other people but not with me and he said "yes." I also asked him if I was special to him. He also said "yes." I was crying at that point because I was thinking that it was probably the last time I would see him. The last thing he said to me was "Now give me a hug." And we hugged. After that, he drove off and I never saw him again. It was really strange because we usually kiss each other goodbye but this time he wanted to hug instead.

    After he deployed, I never heard back from him. He cut off all contact with me and ignored my messages. I tried hooking up with other guys and dating as well but I've had no luck. After hooking up, I tend to cry when because I miss him. Hooking up with other makes me miss him and I miss the chemistry we had. It was then that I realized that I was in love with him. I had been infatuated with other people in the past but this time it was different. It was different because I cared more about him than I did about myself. That is, I was less selfish and was willing to put him first and sacrifice things for him. I had never felt that way toward anyone before.

    Dating hasn't been much better. Sometimes it feels "forced" because there's no connection between me and the guys I've gone on dates with. Other times, the guys have acted like jerks and that puts me off.

    With the first guy, we were very compatible. We connected on many levels. We have similar interests and are sexually compatible.

    Recently, I found out he has a girlfriend, despite him being gay. While I've "moved on" in some sense, I still love him. Certain songs, poems, signs, etc. remind me of him. Random things remind me of him.

    I know that at some point I will meet another guy whom I will love and will love me. However, I'm unsure of what to do at this point.

    A few things I forgot to mention that may or may not be important:
    1) He said that our first date was the first time he had been on a date with a guy. From this, I infer that he only dates girls, while using guys for sex and nothing more.
    2)Before we met in person, I asked him if he ever had a boyfriend. He told me: "No. For two reasons. A: I haven't met the right guy. B: Because of what I envision myself being."
    3) His parents are Asian immigrants.

    I don't know where to fit the above so I just put them at the end.

    Any advice? Thank you!!
     
    #1 TimePortal, Jan 15, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  2. Gamm

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    That sucks. Really. As much as I hate to say it, time is one of the only cures for the situation. You fell in love and got hurt. It's hard, believe me, I know. Try to focus all your time on what's really important right now. Be with friends, be productive, and most importantly, take care of yourself. Don't turn to reckless behavior because you're gonna end up doing nothing but hurting yourself even more. This will be a hard process for you, but you will survive. Just take it a day at a time and have hope that it'll get better. There will come a point when you will be able to truly move on.
     
  3. TimePortal

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    Thanks. That makes a lot of sense.
    .
     
  4. Ryuji35

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    Been there, done that. It took me two years to fully heal. But mine is unrequited love, but still it hurts like hell. In you case, you have been intimate, so you know his smell, how his lips feel against yours, and all the physical stuff and that is what makes it more painful.....

    But despite that, you will be okay.

    Everyday, you'll think about him. Every minute, but as long as you keep your distance and maintain no contact, you'll just wake up one day and you don't care anymore :slight_smile:
     
  5. TimePortal

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    Thanks. That helps put it in perspective.
     
  6. bookreader

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    It just takes time. You should take your mind off dating and him for awhile, and focus on you.
     
  7. TimePortal

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    Thanks bookreader. That sounds like the best thing to do. Work on my shortcomings so that I'll be a better boyfriend when I start dating again.