My "relationship" drama

This might be hard to hear but it sounds like maybe you shouldn't pursue a relationship with this guy. It sounds like he's challenging you and trying to control you, which is not a good thing.

I think it would be better to just move on from him before you get hurt.

 

I dunno, he's got a point.

BUT

He is obviously manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you. Not a good sign for me.

NEXT.

 

Question - did he go out of his way to tell you that he is having sex with people? Or did you find out on your own through other people?

Depending on which it is, I think things work out differently.

If you found out independent of him, then I actually think he's perfectly in the right. You said you weren't ready to be in a relationship with him. He didn't cut you out of his life, he said cool, and if it happens, it happens. You take the risk of possibly losing him to somebody else if he meets somebody before you're ready. But since you guys aren't dating exclusively (and I do think there's a version of dating where you can be exclusive without being super serious "I have a toothbrush at his apartment" mode right away...it's called taking things slow, and it does count as a relationship) then I really don't see why it is a problem that he is sleeping with others. It makes you jealous because you have feelings for him, but that's not his intention. I actually think it's really telling that he doesn't want to have sex with you unless you're dating exclusively, as it means he has feelings for you and doesn't want them to get deeper without the commitment of some sort. He's having sex with other people because they don't mean anything to him. Heck, it could in part be to help him try and not be so hung up on you if he feels like he is.

On the complete other hand, if he's the one telling you that he's having sex with others - sort of rubbing it in your face - then it is to specifically make you jealous, which comes off as highly manipulative.

 

well you told him to hold off even tho he seems to be really into you, so it kinda hurt him too. I feel like he is trying to move on and think of you less. You are the one that told him to hold off, which is pretty much mean you shouldn't feel bad if he sleep around or both of you find other people in the mean time and he assume you would understand that since you and him are not boyfriend. If you want more time to think about relationship then say that and work together, but if you put thing on hold, its pretty much saying "i kinda want to stop but I'm not sure yet." I don't think he is trying to manipulate you or making you jealous. It's not like he is making out in front of you or something like that.

---------- Post added 15th Jan 2016 at 04:17 PM ----------

yep pretty much what Cameoutswinging said

 

Well, it's his choice if he wants to sleep around. If you don't like it, then, maybe you should let him go.

 

well it is not gonna work if you don't want relationship with the guy but don't want him to sleep around with whoever he wants. Your status with him is friend or that special friend. So going up to a friend and said you cant sleep around because i like you but I don't want relationship with you gonna sound weird. It is best to just talk to him on what both of you can agree on and what not. Like CameOutSwinging said, you can take it slow and study/ get to know each other deeper first and still not be officially boyfriends, but you have to get use to it that he can sleep around and look for someone else because the fact that you are not his and he is not yours. Can't really tell him to not sleep around until you guys are boyfriends. If you cant handle him seeing/being with someone else, I would say move on, since you are not really ready to be with anyone at this time and still keep him as friend.

 

Unfortunately for you, I agree with him. You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you don't want to be with him, you can't expect him to save a special space for you and not explore other options with other people. He said if you are ready to commit then he will stop being with others. I don't think its fair for you to ask anything more of him.

It sounds like you are jealous, and being quite selfish. What is it really that's keeping you out of a relationship with him cause to be honest, I don't really buy the excuse you gave him...

 

I actually agree with him. You aren't dating. Just because you "might" want to date him in the future, doesn't mean he should put his life on hold. He can do what he wants, you don't have any claim on him.

 

Ok every one views his story from his angle, and every one has a point. now I know that most of you would think it's none of Gamm's business if his crush Tim went sleeping around, which is yeh correct. but I think what's bothering Mr. Gamm - and please correct me if i'm wrong darling - is that Tim didn't want to go any further than kissing and back rubbing with Gamm "until we start dating" and he found out that he's sleeping around with various genders and people, and perhaps species.
So, doesn't anyone see anything wrong with that ? obviously he wouldn't be officially dating several people at once, unless he's a major douche. Well, it could be flattering that Gamm has his special place and that he's the only one he wouldn't touch without a contract, but it's probably not supposed to make anyone feel good...

my two cents

 

Oh god that is such a cold response!

But Maybe it his strategy to get you jealous, so you would give in to a relationship. But when you go in a relationship about what can go wrog because that Will mean you Will be alone forever. Maybe you are afraid for labeling? Maybe you guys can discuss not sleeping with people and just date. Maybe that is THE first step to a relationship

 

He shouldn't have yelled at you. That's not a healthy way to talk to somebody who's sitting right next to you, even if you're having an argument. Has he blown up at you or at anyone else like that before?

Afterfshn has a point, if you want to you could try going on a few dates but not be insta-boyfriends/in a relationship. Taking it slow isn't a bad thing.

Can I ask (if this isn't too personal a question) why you feel you wouldn't be able to put your all into a relationship? What aspects of a relationship would you find difficult to manage?

 

To me it sounds like you have confidence issues at least. If you have personality traits that you objectively think are harmful for a relationship have you considered consulting with a psychologist? Most such things can be worked out by professional guidance.

Then on the second note. Have you told this guy exactly why you feel unsure about starting a relationship. Could you just be very open about these issues with him, tell him those are your limitations and you work on them. Then let him decide if he is still interested.

 

No offence- and forgive me if this sounds insensitive, but I believe that you are being quite immature. It is perfectly normal to see other people when you aren't dating someone officially. Even then, when going on dates with other people, it is by no means indicative of anything serious. You are forgetting the point of dating entirely. It is not a commitment in the sense that it is like a binding contract- but it is instead your chance to test the waters with this partner of yours- both on a platonic and intimate level- and see if the two of you are truly compatible. Even then, dating, 'seeing someone' and being exclusive are all entirely separate things that each must be discussed separately. Never assume anything until it is discussed mutually.

You have asked him for just friendship, but you hold him against the same expectations to that of what long term committed couples are engaged in. Your self esteem issues are none of his concerns. You mentioning that he has 'hurt' you because of his private life which he did not initially disclose to you even though the two of you are just close friends at most, is quite silly. Do not guilt trip him- he has no commitments to you.

The best solution is to talk (which you have done) without using emotionally manipulative terms (such as how he has hurt you). I also believe it is quite rich of you to pontificate about his flaws in terms of dealing with emotions and wanting to have a healthy sex life when you attempted to similarly engage in such activities with a him as a FRIEND. If I were him and I was made aware of your harsh reflection on him as being a "man whore" and the condescending tone with which you have engaged us with in terms of his emotional maturity, I would double think engaging in a relationship with such a person.

Just my 2 cents

---------- Post added 18th Jan 2016 at 08:26 AM ----------

Fyi, we have a word for wanting to have sex with someone without the baggage of a relationship (e.g. rubbing his crotch which would have led to more had he not stopped you). It is called: NSA fun, no strings attached, 'friends with benefits'. Now this doesn't sound like you does it? It is worse than a one night stand as it involves both an ongoing emotional and physical bond but without the relationship. It is an absolutely awful place to be in when two people are not on the same page.