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Sexual/ possibly asexual relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Boredpanther, Jan 16, 2016.

  1. Boredpanther

    Regular Member

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    So about half a year ago I started my first lesbian relationship with my best friend, back then we had a lot of sex, and until that point I hadn't had much experience, but it was great. I truly love her, and would be ecstatic to spend the rest of my life with her.

    A few months ago she became pretty repulsed by anything more than kissing, and said she didn't want sex anymore, and might be grey ace. I'm okay with and try to understand her not wanting sex, but I struggle sometimes because I want to connect on the same level we had before. It is irrational but I get paranoid that she doesn't and has never found me attractive, and that she may resent the sex we had before. As I still obviously want to have sex, even though occasionally, this causes some problems.

    I don't want to break up with her, or go polygamous, but I'm not sure that I could deal with the lack of sexual connection in the long term if she is truly ace repulsed :/

    I know it's complicated but advice?

    Thanks :starwars:
     
  2. Lin1

    Full Member

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    Sit her down and talk to her. Just have an open talk with her about how you both feel about the relationship and ask her how she feels about sex and how she felt about sex at the beginning of your relationship and go from there. Communication is key and overthinking things instead of talking them out can quickly become toxic for even the best of relationships.

    Good luck ! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Sigh.

    If she was highly sexual, into it, and enjoying it, she isn't asexual (or any of the other unrecognized labels in that spectrum), at least according to the widely accepted definition. There's an alternative definition promoted by a tiny group that has absolutely no basis in anything grounded in any sort of science, psychology, sexology, or anything else, and the definition is impossible to pin down because there's nothing on which to base it, and little agreement on what it means. The so-called spectrum labels such as "gray asexual" are even less pin-downable (if that's a word).

    Now... all of that said, she can label herself whatever she wants and I'm not here to tell her she isn't entitled to use any label, including "unicornsexual" or anything else... just that the label really isn't meaningful if it doesn't correlate to anything.

    So what's most likely really going on has nothing to do with hardwired sexual orientation. I doubt she's never found you attractive, but it is very possible there are other factors (medication, depression, anxiety, etc) that are negatively impacting her sex drive. If that's the case... she probably needs to explore those and try and get some help for them. If she's unwilling to at least explore that possiblity... then really, you would probably be better off finding someone who's a better match.