lost my "bro-crush"(feeling sad)

I've talked a bit here about my bro Travis, we'd been really really close in some affection. It wasn't sexual in some regards, just really really longer than normal hugs for guys(more than 30 seconds) at times. I ran my hand across his hair/petted him one time and he didn't complain or object. We had said "I love you" a lot of times. I felt like had some hidden sexual feelings. I mean it's hard to define the amount he and I had. I assume maybe 20-25%. I mean we never said, "Bro, maybe we can experiment...just keep it a secret." I mean I felt a vibe we had some sexual tension.

We went through a lot together the time we had chilled(August 2014-May 2015, then a few breaks in between).

The past fall he had changed. He wasn't living on campus anymore, he had returned back to his parents' house to live for the school year.

He had changed a bit and I didn't really see him a whole lot the fall except in passing to class. I had invited him to my place on campus in November because I was trying to get a get together for our mutual friend Robby who was preparing to enter active military service in the USAF.

We all chill together one night in November. The vibe was really dead. Robby was out of the bunch that actually talked to me. Travis did talk to be somewhat. Jada(one of Travis's close female friends whom I've mentioned a bit here) barely said much to me. And another guy friend did the same. The vibe was weird. Some of us ended up getting intoxicated fairly quickly.

I originally wanted us to "party it up" all night as a farewell for Robby. I mean, it was his last night more or less around my area. But Travis and his friends(I thought it was Robby also but he said he objected to this) wanted to leave early from my place. I did seem pissed but accepted it.

After that, I didn't chill with Travis again since that day.

There were some shit that was happening around that time. A girl that knew Travis had said something I didn't like in public and made false allegations about me. She had claim I was a perv and brought some crap about me that happen almost a year prior at a party. That girl isn't perfect herself, she's been in jail and wanted to force herself on my friend Robby when she was drunk the spring prior. I recall I had some little conflict with her but brushed it off. I know her and Travis are friends but I tried to confront Travis about it, but he seemed a little defensive about her. It was a little weird that we couldn't talk about that issue.

So I'm confused during that time.

I'm unsure what is happening of course. You know. I thought Travis was my bro since I cared about him and everything.

I didn't know till Christmas Eve from Robby what was going on with Travis. He told me that Travis was doing cocaine almost everyday now. And he told he distanced himself with contacting him. He never told me when he discovered that. I later learned from talking to him this week before he was entering BMT(basic training for USAF) that he really wanted to stay longer that last night we chilled. We agreed that maybe that girl that told me off, had introduced Travis to cocaine.

From our talk, I felt that Robby and I cut our ties from all that shit we dealt with. We dealt with a lot of shit the past year with regards to Travis and some people in our clique in regards to drugs and alcohol. Yeah we smoked weed and drank and that stuff was good for a while, it was just when other people came into the mix that I was not liking. I had no problem with Robby personally as I told him. He had none with me either.

It's confusing on the situation I've dealt with Travis. Because I felt like we had mutual affection and maybe some feelings towards each other. Yet, I had smoked and drank with him at times. And bonded in some regards. I knew about his "past", in terms of getting away from hard drugs like meth and heroin. I had my own issues but was getting away from. I alluded to all this shit in some early posts here.

I loved him, he loved me. The relationship was just a little odd in some ways with all this baggage. I mean, I felt like we could've had a sexual relationship if there was a little more push.

I wasn't resentful about Robby being a friend because he didn't bother me nor did I feel resentful of girls around. I just didn't like shady people in the mix. I didn't like one shady guy I hated around Travis. This bi guy named Kaleb that had some attraction or affection to Travis. He had spent quite a bit of time in Travis's room and spent the night there, I had assumed to Robby that they may have had some sexual encounters. I felt maybe some threat on how close he was with him. It's confusing.

The whole relationship I liked because it was the closest relationship I had with someone that was almost sexual. I mean I had about 5 1/2 good months of "hanging out" with Travis. I mean we chilled in the same dorm together for a good amount of time. We felt some affection. We just bonded in between the whole weed and drinking and stuff.

I just feel sad because I miss him because he was such a part of my life. I mean I really wanted to spend more time with him, maybe gone a little further and been more just friends if he really wanted it. I felt like he wouldn't have mind.

I haven't really gotten over losing him as my friend. I didn't burn any bridges to him personally. It's a complicated issue for me.

I play a few songs each day somewhat that reminds me of this "bromance/bi" relationship I had.

It's sad that Travis and I aren't "bros" anymore. I love him and will always do so. But I'll keep moving on in life.

 

I'm trying to get over it but it's just a bit painful a bit. I loved and cared about him so much.

 

I never told Robby that I was bi/bi curious. We briefly talked on Monday night, the night before he was headed to BMT(basic training) for the USAF. He and I agreed to just part ways from Travis in any way shape or form.

The bi thing wasn't anything I ever told Robby, maybe he assumed or what I don't know. We did gossip somewhat behind Travis's back at times, whenever we critique shit: Kaleb spending a lot of in Travis's room every night. We didn't like that guy Kaleb and I saw him as a bad influence. He was bi like me and he was a little more affectionate towards Travis I was. He was also near my age. Travis considered Kaelb his "bestfriend".Whenever Kaleb was around our clique, I just showed him respect as a person and man. I didn't make any attempt of considering him a friend and I doubt he did for me.

And Travis and I weren't together. It's complicated to explain this. We weren't partners or boyfriends. We just had a close friendship.

It was close and we had mutual affection and love. I mean I felt like we had feelings for each other, but it was never expressed by the both of us. I mean I never told him I had sexual feelings for him, I just said I loved him.

I'm unsure if he and I are "friends" still or what. I mean, he hasn't contacted me or approached since November. He's always been slow to respond to text messages in the past and I understood that, but he's not even replied to one text message.

I just want to talk to him, just try to establish some form of communication and clear things up. I don't care what people have said about me or anything, I could give a rat's ass. I just want to talk to Travis and clear things up. I just want to know, that he's okay.

I do want Travis to be sober since he's just fallen back into hard drugs.

It does hurt and it bothers me, because Travis had made somewhat of a vow that he would never fall into hard drugs. He had said that to Robby and I. Whenever we first met, he and I had agreed to always be there for each other whenever shit was bothering us. You got to realize, we had our own issues.

So it hurts me to know, that someone I loved and made some vow to ever abuse hard drugs goes back into hard drugs. I mean, I cared and supported him in our friendship. I wasn't perfect myself, I can accept my faults and defects.

---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2016 at 12:52 PM ----------

I appreciate the comments.

Robby had left the college by that point, since he was entering the USAF. Why he left is another story for another time that I'll explain on this forum. He just visited one more time on campus that's all.

He never told me when he found that Travis did cocaine. I always assumed it was on November 21(the last night he was in town). He told not really worry about Travis doing cocaine, just worry about myself and working towards fixing myself more.

Robby and I were Travis's good friends on campus. I mean, I didn't like the other friends he surrounded himself like: other drug dealers, shady guy friends and female friends that went to the same college as us. I mean, I tried to not be all judgmental to those guys because I'm not perfect you know. I tried to follow the golden rule and was just showed respect to them. I realize I was never going to be friends with them, it was better to keep my mouth shut on things and just show respect. I did have a little respect from Travis's "other friends" and felt like I was on the level of acquaintances with them. Not friends just some respect as an acquaintances and that was fine by me really.

It's a complicated little cluster fuck I had positioned myself into. I've told my counselor that, I've told another friend that and I've told other people in a recovery group I'm in now actually.

Travis and I never acknowledged that we had feelings for each other. I mean we did "I love you" but we never approached the subject of having sex. I mean, if there was little push, I'm sure it would've happen.

I mean, we had mutual affection that was slightly abnormal. Longer than normal hugs(more than 30 seconds), holding.

There was point I said, I will always be there for him when he and I had our affectionate moments.

Out of the affection we had, there will always be point that I will always remember because it stands out as a watermark. Late April 2015, we had been talking a bit one night and he was about to leave my room. We had our little "good bye hug" that lasted more than 40 seconds or so. I told him I love him and he did same for me. I told , I never wanted him to go "back out"(doing hard drugs). He said, he won't and he hated it. So, I'm hugging him and holding him. At one point, I decide to run my hand across his hair and pet him at the same time. It felt so good for me to do and felt somewhat sexually aroused. Travis didn't complain or say, "Bro, please stop." At that point, I felt like we could've had sex in my room. I mean, maybe a little more of a push by either of us, it could've happen.

The problem we never had, besides Travis's drug issues, is not addressing the feelings we had.

I've mentioned Travis and I's "bromance' here on EC, and one or two guys here do agree with me, that Travis and I had some sexual feelings for each other. How much is another question. It's hard to explain the whole situation.

I still care about him and will always love him. But it's the situation and the environment is what made it bad.

 

Dude. I tried to reach out to him through text or call, no go. I mean, I wasn't going to just out myself completely to him.

I know you said based on your general impression of my posts, you'd felt like he and I had feelings for each other. I mean maybe 20-30% its hard to say.

I've felt to give up and try to move on with my life, but I can't. I mean this chapter, despite being bad, had it's good moments. It's hard to let go of someone(mentally I mean) you had spent a good portion of your life with and spent time together, and had some mutual affection. It was the closest I had been nearly sexual with someone(guy or girl), maybe a little more push by one of us, and it would've happen I'm sure.

Just other shit had happen and it caused this relationship

 

I had mentioned on my original post, that Travis is just doing harder drug(cocaine) despite making some vow he never would. And he and I would have always look out for each other in some way shape or form. I mean read my original post, it explains shit.

I haven't heard from in a while and the communication just seems dead. And my friend Robby told me it's hard to get ahold of him.

It's just a complex situation.

I still have feelings for him yet he's just in his own world and everything.

I relish the good times we had and the affection we truly held.

It's hard to let go of someone, I truly loved and cared about. It just breaks my heart at times, that I spent a great deal of time and energy and emotions and some financial investment towards him in this "bro-relationship" that seemed borderline bi.

It's hard to say, if he and I would've had sex. I know a guy had felt like Travis and I could had sexual feelings.

It's a complex thing for me because he was like the first person, I had truly loved and wanted to be more than just friends with.

 

In some way, Yes. I cared so much for him and I felt he did for me at times. We were close for a while. We live on campus together and had mutual affection. We knew each other's secrets and pasts. He confided me and I did with him.

I felt like I had a borderline bi sexual/bromance. Maybe slight homoerotic. It's hard to explain.

Close hugs lasting a long time. And petting his hair was my way to express I loved him, because he didn't object. I petted his hair as I held him in our hug one night.

So yeah.:dry:

 

It is a confusing issue and situation for me.

You all have asked if I reached out to Travis, I have.

It's just the situation with him and the cocaine and the people he surrounds himself with that is the issue.

Like I said, when you all those factors up it's hard to communicate anything across.

I never did anything personally wrong to him that hurt him, that burned any bridge.

I know there was a little issues that a girl that's friends with him had made some allegations against me in public that were false. She had claimed I was a "pervert" and brought up some bullshit that happen at the party. I'm not a perv. I know me and Travis would joke about sexual fantasies and about girls, but we did that without girls present you know. Travis and I are aware of that night at the party and it wasn't our best night, but that happen New Years Eve 2014. That girl made some allegation I "stalk" Travis which I don't. I had waited a few times after his class to talk, which is no crime last time I checked.

So with that girl and her allegations against me had pissed me off, I had tried to talk to Travis about this shit the last time we had hanged out but he got a little defensive on the subject.

I mean he said "don't talk about her. She's my best friend.." Something along the lines that was said. I mean, Wtf.

And given what i know about this girl: She's been arrest and has a past drug conviction from the state of Arizona. And she was on probation for a while and trying to pay her legal fees still. She try to force herself on my friend Robby and have sex with him. That happen late one night last Spring.

Robby and I have agreed and assume she is one that introduced Travis to cocaine. I don't have proof that she did, but given the shit we all dealt with, I've assumed that.

 

It is difficult to let go and move on from this. I mean, I felt like we did have mutual feelings for each other.

Do you all think me and Travis had mutual affection towards each other?

It's hard to say.

 

Mutual affection if we had sexual and platonic feelings for each other.

It's hard to say if I liked him romantically. It's more like borderline bromance/platonic with a dash of sexual feelings maybe some romance spliced with the mix.

I've dealt with substance issues like Travis but I've done something about it.

The stuff with Travis and I is a complicated issue for me, because I was so emotionally invested on a lot of shit. We spent a great deal of time together(Oct 2014-May 2015) and I consider some of the best times of my life and the worst times of my life.

I cared about him during that time because I did not want him to go back to "hard drugs"(like his drug of choices he dabbled in) and maybe that's why I spent so much time with him during that time. He said at times, he was glad to have me in his life and all just sunk a lot and I thought he accepted me as me.

And there were the times we had "I love you" to each other and all the hugs and such.

So yeah, it's a complicated relationship for me to talk about. Because, I dabbled in substances like him. I just was there because I cared about him. Through hanging out with him, maybe I slowly developed feelings for him as he did with me.

I get sad as I look back at the good times I had with him. How do you let go of memories of someone you spent over 4 months together through good and bad times? :icon_sad:

 

@Euler

I had felt like he and I had some sexual tension. It might have been some trace of it. I know you said something about that a while back. It may have been some tiny amount of it, because of the affection we had. That was just overlapped with platonic feelings we had. Or maybe it was intertwined somewhat and it was hard to tell at times.


I did feel there was some sexual tension, because I felt a vibe like that at times.


The substances issues I had, that's a long story. I met Travis through some recovery center here at my college. My original intent was "to look after" him. Why? He's younger than me, he was a freshman at the college. He lived right across from me and lived on the same floor as I did. So there was a commonality for a while.

It until after a while, I stepped out of recovery for a while and just hanged out with Travis. Why? It's a complicated thing to state why I did that. I just was so close to him and we bonded real well. And I just didn't want to leave him that's all. Or maybe we didn't want to leave each other. It's hard to explain that.

Why I wanted to take care of Travis because he had shared with me, how fucked up he was on meth and heroin a few years back. I made a promise to never let him go back to that. He even promised me and Robby(his closest friends) he'd never do that. Which I took it for what it was for a while, that'd he never do that.

The affection and the closeness and the commonality of substance issues, is what I felt was the core of this relationship. I mean, I looked after him because I never wanted him to fall back to addiction of hard drugs. I felt like he looked after me somewhat. It's a complicated relationship you can say.

And I've mentioned here on EC, that I'm still a virgin. I never had sex, Travis had sex lots of times. So, maybe the affection that we shared and maybe some slight sexual tension developed some sexual feelings towards him.

It's hard to explain.

The family dynamics?

I do see something playing in. I mean, I lean towards having younger friends(younger friends of age I mean) because I look at my parents. I mean my dad is about 3 years older than my mom and was the main breadwinner of my family.

I somewhat see myself as that with my friends, because I tend to help out when I can when we did stuff together.

And I often picture my relationships that I desire(friendship or romantic) to be the older one not the younger one. Why? As the older on, I see myself as more masculine. If I were the youngest in the relationship, I'd see myself as weak.