So, I have a sort of boyfriend (I like this guy and he likes me back. We've also gone out once, but are going out again). So, we don't have problems, but we're both mostly in the closet. I was wondering how to deal with that. I'd like to start to come out some time this year, but I don't know how he feels about that. Right now, how do I keep the most amazing guy ever a secret from everyone?
Well, you could just give the impression that you are the best friends. Sure, people might suspect something but I guess that's the easiest way. I'm really close to a friend who recently moved abroad. When he was here we spent so much time together that we could have been a couple (which actually was a recurring joke between us). I guess people suspected something but no one ever confronted or asked us about it. I don't know was it because my friend is Middle Eastern so people just assumed things work differently there or were they just discreet.
Please don't keep your status a secret. You're gay, and it's what makes you who you are. If your bf is wanting to remain closeted then that's his freedom. A healthy relationship between you two will rely on giving each other space so trying to convince him to "out" himself may be not be the best idea. Give him time to fully accept himself but take care of your own business at the same time. Grow comfortable in your own skin and allow everyone to see how proud you are. 22 years old is still very young. You have many happy years ahead of you!
It’s very difficult to have a healthy relationship with anyone until you can have a healthy relationship with yourself. Closeted relationships can be undermined easily if neither individual is willing to be open to others about the existence of said relationship. Why? Because it binds the relationship in shame. By feeling a need to keep the relationship a secret from everyone else, there is the implicit assumption that there is something wrong or shameful about the relationship. You feel like you have to be discrete because you don’t want anyone to find out about this shameful thing you’re involved in. All of the energy that goes into concealment is energy that is sucked out of the relationship. Eventually, both of you will burn out. The relationship won’t be worth the emotional cost. The only way to kill shame is to shine light on it. If you two want to have a serious relationship, my thought would be that you need to discuss being open about it to others – rather than trying to hide from everyone.
I guess I should have included that both our families are homophobic and that's why we're both still in the closet. But thanks for the advice. I doubt that we will stay in the closet forever.
I think a secret is a secret. The issue here is that both of you are in the closet and it's just a matter whether you two decide to tell everyone. Since both of your families are homophobic, do you think it's possible that you guys talk about your relationship to your close friends? I think that would be easier for both of you just to eliminate the tension and paranoia which can never be good in your relationship.
