I have been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months now. When we first started dating he mentioned that he doesn't like bottoming. I told him I didn't really either but that I do sometimes enjoy it. We didn't have sex until 2-3 months of seeing each other. I bottomed a few times and decided to bring up me trying to top. He seemed uncomfortable talking about it. I explained that I don't always like to bottom but that I do it to please him. He said that we both shouldn't do something we don't like and that he's ok with not having anal. I disagreed and said that even though sex is not the main piece in a relationship, it's still important. I told him that if he never bottoms that I will not be ok with that down the line. He said that he would try it. More months went by, and even with me hinting about it constantly, still nothing happened. It bothered me and I made the mistake of waiting a bit too long to seriously bring it up again. A month and a half ago I kind of blew up. We were fooling around and I hardly stuck my finger up there. He said ouch and stopped me. I told him how he said he would try bottoming a long time ago and has shown no interest in even coming close to any time soon. He felt really bad and said he would do something about it. He bought some kit that would let him practice with himself. He said he wants to get comfortable with it on his own before letting me try. For the first week he would tell me how he tried it a couple times and that it wasn't so bad. Well now it's been over a month since this, and still nothing. At this point I just don't know what to do. He means so much to me and in so many aspects we work perfectly together. But this is something that has been bothering me and it's only getting worse. I don't expect to be topping all the time. I just want to be able to do it once in a while, and even if he gives in I feel like it's still almost never going to happen. Is it worth trying to work this out? I need some serious advice
NOBODY should be forced to do something they do NOT feel comfortable doing in bed. Your boyfriend is absolutely right. He didn't force you to bottom and he doesn't owe you to bottom because you did or want him to. Sex is supposed to be fun and pressure free, not absolutely dreadful. If you want your partner to bottom and this one can't don't want to, then you may want to think about whether or not it is a deal breaker and grounds for breaking up with him. If it is, do so. If it's not then STOP pressuring him. As someone that have been sexually abused in the past, being pressured into sex/doing things we don't want to do can be VERY traumatic and won't help your relationship in any way. So think whether or not it's a deal breaker and STOP pressuring him.
Stop pressuring your boyfriend to do something that he doesn't want to do. It is his right not to want to do a particular sexual act and you need to respect that. It doesn't matter that you want to do it. It doesn't matter that you don't love to bottom but you do it for him. If topping is so important to you that you're willing to continue pushing the issue after months of his refusal, break up with him. Because, as it stands, you are putting one sexual want ahead of respecting your boyfriend.
I'm just going to repeat what others have already said. What you are currently doing is manipulative and emotional abuse. He told you from the very beginning that he doesn't want to bottom and that he doesn't expect you to do it either. If you give him ass that's your choice but it does not create ANY liability to him to reciprocate. Apologize to your boy friend for what you have done and don't do it again with anyone ever. If you want to top then break up with him and find a someone who likes that stuff. It's that simple. Your both are two independent adults and neither can dictate the other to do something that the other doesn't want to.
Another vote here for break up if you can't live without your partner bottoming. As an somebody pushed into unwanted sex acts by a partner, over 13 years later I can't have a fully functioning sex life with my soulmate as a result. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it CLEARLY is to him. That is what matters in this situation. I'm not sure if he has talked to you about possible abuses, but if he has been abused previously forcing him could break him emotionally. Even if he hasn't been abused...forcing sex acts on somebody WILL create that abuse. (pro-tip: surprise sex, or forced sex is called RAPE) Life is NOT 50 Shades. Sex isn't owed, and whether somebody says "yes" 100 times doesn't mean they are yours when they say "no" the 101st time. Just because YOU bottom doesn't bind or then require him to do the same. Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate reason to end a relationship, as yes, sex is important. There are hundreds of bottoms out there, one is likely the right fit for you.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I had the serious conversation early on that it wasn't going to work out if things weren't more equal, and he promised he would bottom. So please don't tell me i'm being manipulative and abusing. I have never pushed the subject in a way that has gotten him upset. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about whether or not it's worth breaking up over. Unfortunately it probably is.
It does seem a little pushy, not to point fingers. And if it is worth breaking up over, that's an unfortunate loss, then. Although I suppose that it'd be better for both of you in the end anyway, if such a detail makes the whole thing unstable.
" I had the serious conversation early on that it wasn't going to work out if things weren't more equal, and he promised he would bottom." FFS, do you hear yourself ? How is that NOT pressuring him ? You basically told him '' you either bottom or you are out." It doesn't matter whether or not he promised you he would bottom, he is ENTITLED to change his mind at any moment, YOU on the other hand are NOT entitled to his body in ANY form. Even if he got undressed and laid naked on your bed it would not entitle you or give you any right to engage with him sexually without his consent. He would not owe you sex because he promised or turned you on. I think you are a shitty boyfriend to be honest and that you should break up with him, not for your sake but for his as he can do MUCH better than you and be with someone that doesn't think pressuring someone into sex is totally normal and that other people's body belongs to him. Hopefully the time your bf has spent with you won't have irreversible effect on his mental health and self-worth because he has been more than correct/honest with you and deserve to be treated with much more respect than what you've been giving him so far.
I'll take some blame on being a little pushy. I guess this is just not something you should have to bring up. Either he'll do it or he won't. And he most likely won't. I'm mad at myself for letting myself get stuck in this situation. I knew from the beginning he didn't like it. I haven't been in many relationships, and this is my first serious one so I guess I'm learning, but still. Now we're completely in love with each other. But I don't think I can get past never topping again. The struggle is real ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2016 at 03:37 PM ---------- I'm trying to make something otherwise perfect work? Does that really make me a shitty person? I would never do anything without him initiating it, EVER. I'll take everyone's advice and not bring it up again or be pushy. And if it keeps bothering me, break it off.
I wouldn't say you are a shitty person, (I think this issue is very personal for Linning, hence the harsh words) but I think you are a little naive and oblivious in a way that makes you sound hopelessly selfish here. Your boyfriend has clearly said that he is fine with not having anal. You are the one that is not fine with it, which means you are the one who has to deal with it. Either break up, or be fine with the idea of not having anal sex for now. However, you're making this a collective problem, involving your boyfriend and framing this as "trying to make something otherwise perfect work", which is really self centered. You say you're not being manipulative, but giving an ultimatum and having your boyfriend promise bottoming is manipulative. Blowing up when he mentioned discomfort during sex is seriously not cool. This is verging on abuse. I hope you can stop and think why so many of us here are echoing this same thought. I know you are just trying to be honest with your feelings and needs, but you have to try to see how your expressing them affects your boyfriend, and the general toxic tension this is creating. Honestly, at this point it seems like you really value topping over your boyfriend, so I suggest you break it off as soon as you can to spare both your time. From the way you are treating your boyfriend, it's hard to believe that you really love him. Your sense of entitlement over his "promise" to bottom is really unhealthy for both of you, I think. You mention this being your first serious one, so maybe you still need some more sexual experience to really know what you want in a relationship, and that's fine. You just have to explore that with other people, and not your current boyfriend. Please don't keep on pestering him about it any further and make your decision.
Thanks guys. I know you're all right, it's just hard to hear. I seriously do love him and when I wrote my OP it was me venting and it seems it made me come off in a negative way. He's never even tried bottoming ever, so part of my frustration is that he's just assuming he doesn't like it. My thinking is self centered i'll admit. I let him top even though I don't always enjoy it, and expect the same out of him. I should specify that I brought up the finger incident the day after, and by blew up I mean I had a serious conversation about how it bothered me. And I would never threaten him to bottom or get out this far in our relationship. The last thing I want is for him to do something he's uncomfortable with out of fear of losing me. Which leads back to the fact that we weren't compatible to begin with but I was too stupid to deal with it then. Any other comments are appreciative, just please don't tell me I'm a horrible person
Just wanted to specify that I didn't call you a shitty person. I do not know you as a person therefore can't (and won't !) judge you as a person but called you a shitty BOYFRIEND which is what you transpired to be through your posts and this : is why. I was not trying to be mean or overly harsh in my words but wanted to give you a 'wake-up call' and make you realize that your behaviour is unhealthy and absolutely NOT okay. I I am glad you seem to realize it though and to be apologetic about it. I do wish you the best and do still think you should break up with him as you are very obviously not compatible. Sexual incompatibility is a very genuine concern and a perfectly acceptable reason to break off your relationship, it's MUCH better to admit/accept you aren't compatible and move on even though it hurts than to feel unsatisfied/angry/resentful because your partner won't do stuff that makes him uncomfortable/you like. This part strikes me though as, being gay yourself, you should know more than anyone else that sometimes you don't need to try something to know that you won't like it/enjoy it or that it will make you feel uncomfortable, you just know. If someone told you that unless every gay guys had tried to be with a woman they should not be considered gay as they would just be assuming that they do not like women when they actually don't know. Wouldn't you be angry with that person and wouldn't you want to counter his arguments that with your personal experience because, obviously, most people just know that they are gay and don't need to have sex with the opposite sex to be ''sure'' ? I know I would. A lot of people aren't into BDSM for example even though most have never tried. So should they force themselves to 'try it out' even though the thought makes them very uncomfortable and extremely wary just so that they are sure that they do not like it and so that their partner isn't 'frustrated' with them ? I personally don't think so. I think it's fine for someone not to be into something without having tried it as well as it's fine for you to want to try and experience it as long as you realize and accept that everyone is entitled to their feelings and emotions and have the right to refuse to engage in any kind of sex that they are uncomfortable with. If their refusal/ unwillingness to try that 'thing' bother you then the way to go is to break things off and find someone who will be willing to experience those things and I think that's what you should do with your current boyfriend as none will ever be truly happy in this relationship. Best of luck for the both of you OP !
