Okay, let me start off by warning you that I get a little too formal and official with these self-introductions. I'm a recent online-college graduate and I'm used to doing these long posts at the beginning of each class to get to know my new classmates. Reader beware. So, my name is Eric. I'm a 28-year-old from North Dakota with an AA in Criminal Justice, an AA in Counterterrorism Studies, and a BA in Homeland Security Studies. I'm a competitive shooter (if you'd like to have the gun-control argument with me, that is fine as I will be respectful and surprise you), I love writing, and I love learning things and communicating. People are interesting and regardless of their views, I find even some of the most arrogant or ignorant to be less upsetting when context is added; which breaks down the conflict into an interpersonal discussion. On the other hand, I can't stand bullshit. If you give me bullshit without any legitimate reasoning, I give it right back. So don't dish it and I won't give it back. I'm currently a Security Supervisor for a major Healthcare facility, which I hate with a passion, an I'm very cynical; especially when it comes to my career options. As a type-1 Diabetic since I was six (Not type-2, which is often caused by poor health and weight management), my employment options (in relation to my education) are very limited; making me extremely pessimistic and hesitant when it comes to job opportunities and, in this region, I have almost no non-Department of Defense Opportunities which I do not qualify for anyway. And that leads to this little yet highly stressful relationship situation I found myself in before leaving for work yesterday. First off, I'm in love with my boyfriend. Like a large contingent of people, I had my heart broken in high school (very cruelly) and I went through the standard assortment of relationships, 4 or 5, in ten years. Some were more serious than others and the last one before this actually seemed like it might be forever. Yet, that feeling you have your first time, when you don't have any calluses or knowledge of the real world, was never there. So, being a pessimist and, to a degree, very callused on my soul, I just believed that wasn't something that I could feel due to the (extended) emotional trauma of the first. So I just accepted that as a part of my personality; Never enthralled or longing for the person I was with; just tolerating them and generally heeding to their desires instead of my own. Then the last one ended and I had to be honest with myself: I needed to meet people and get to know people and develop a good non-romantic relationship before I decided to take it further or it would be the same cycle. I've never been confident in the field of romance campaigns. I don't know how to talk to people in that manner regardless of my interest level and that, in a manner, always caused me to date whomever made their interest in me clear. It was just a habit I developed as a result of my poor social skills that I didn't manage to break away from until I was around 22 (I won't shut the fuck up now, so that's changed). Yet, the lack of an ability to communicate interest due to fear of rejection still haunted/haunts me. My father is a very reserved (but awesome) man and my mother is... my mother. She loves everyone and her favorite thing to say is "It'll work out." Which is often far from true. So, no real help building any sort of emotional resiliency from them. Additionally, I went to a small midwestern school in northern Minnesota where if you didn't excel in sports, or at least play them, teachers (who were also coaches) made it clear you were not on their list of approved students. Additionally, it kept my social circle small and my self-esteem low, which kept me out of school as much as possible with a very low GPA which earned me the advice from most teachers (Don't go to college because you won't make it). So, I grew up with people having no confidence in me or valuing me. I'm not crying, I'm just trying to provide context for what's coming. As a result of much of this, I have always doubted myself; even as I surpassed most of my k-12 teachers in education level with always over a 3.4 GPA. Common, I know, because K-12 blows. Yet, there's still this thing inside me that makes me feel like I'm on an offensive to prove people wrong. It's tainted me a little bit. Now for what's happening. My boyfriend, Zachery, is my favorite person in the world. He's extremely intelligent, he's extremely capable, he works his ass off, and he's got a hell of a resume. All the feelings I thought I couldn't feel he dug out of me and now I just kick myself in the ass for not meeting him sooner. I feel like so much time was wasted that I can't get back. So, we've got some major plans with him providing the ideas, all good ones at that, but requiring investments and such. I like it all and it's all well thought out and with his rapid climb up the management ladder at the local Air base, it's all looking good on his end. I have yet to determine where to apply and what for due to my debacle. Recently, the hospital I work at switched security companies (We are hired as permanently stationed contractors so the hospital doesn't have to pay us benefits) and it is a very large and well-established one. Initially things looked like they were going to be a major improvement and I was quite optimistic that I could stay with a good pay jump and, finally, good insurance coverage that would pay for my insulin. As I should have expected, I got no pay bump, but rather a pay drop and the insurance is the petty sort. To add to it, they provided uniforms that make me look like a toddler wearing three sizes too big. On general principle, I flipped shit, feeling disrespected on every level at that point and noted to Zachery that I wasn't going to spend 16 hours at work looking like a ridiculous asshole. He immediately got upset with me and expressed that I refused to comply with rules my employers have and I was potentially un-promotable. He went on to express that he had very little confidence that I was willing to do what it takes to get a good paying job and that without him pushing me, he wouldn't be surprised if I just stayed at this awful Security job forever or until I just chanced upon some better opportunity that didn't require any effort. I was... speechless. This revelation of doubt in my drive, or my ability to find a good job or career was so unbelievable to me that I suddenly felt like I was sixteen and a teacher was telling me that my interests and abilities were not of the quality necessary to succeed and I've been overwhelmed with the drive to prove him wrong to spite him as I did in college to spite all of them. While one might suggest "Hey, new motivation," with merit, it shouldn't be derived from a very painful statement of doubt in my work ethic and character. It's honestly the most hurtful thing anyone I care deeply about has ever said to me. After I was clearly distraught by the comment, he went on to clarify (which he does consistently and very effectively), but managed little more than to offer examples of my professional shortcomings and say "Do you get why I feel that way?" to which I replied, "Yes, hun, I've gotten that my whole fuckin' life so I know exactly why you feel that way." I'm in a very strange place now emotionally and I don't really know how to deal with it. Thoughts? I'm not going to leave him over this, but I need some suggestions how to to move forward or how I should read it. It's just... weird. Thanks for bearing with me. - Eric
First things first - the past is important, and history gives us what we work with in the present. But it doesn't control who we are. It's clear from what you've written that you picked up a lot of negative impressions from people over the years, but if you're going to let that impact you now, years later, to the point of not being able to talk with your partner about jobs/finances, then that in itself is a problem, and perhaps something worth looking into. Your teachers from high school aren't here anymore, after all, and it's up to you to find a new path and a new way of approaching things. Most importantly, blaming your boyfriend for what others did isn't going to get anyone anywhere. And again, if you find you can't forge ahead and leave the past behind, that's fine, but it's a sign that extra help is probably warranted. As for your job - there's no denying it, stuck in a contract position without real benefits (especially with an ongoing health condition that requires care and management) is the pits. My suspicion is that your stress with this job has been building over time - perhaps the uniforms might not have been a big deal, if there weren't a ton of other things frustrating you with the job (pay and benefits not least among them). Not to harp on an obvious solution, but have you looked for something else? It's never easy to find a new job, particularly a profitable one, but even the process of looking might help you feel a bit more proactive about the situation. More generally, focusing in your conversation with your boyfriend on how each of you feel is fine - but eventually, you'll also need to figure out, as a couple, what to do. Whether it's looking for a new job, leaving your current job, or something else entirely, some sort of action plan will be helpful not only logistically but also emotionally. Feeling stuck is sometimes half the problem.
