I came out a year ago to my best friend, who is a guy. And most of my friends are guys, and they know I am gay, we laugh about it. But now there is this guy who I am hanging out with more and more. We talk about all sorts of things, we are becoming really close. I want to tell him that I am gay, and I know he'll accept me no questions asked, because he has a lot of gay friends he cares for. BUT the problem is that my anxiety keeps telling me that he'll be disgusted by me, and he will distance from me, fearing that I might be attracted by him or fall in love with him. Thinking about it he'll be repulsed by the thought and he'll start distancing himself from me. I don't want to lose that friendship... Nor any friendship with a male friend. I have been through this with my closest male friends, and everyone of them is still my friend, it is like nothing ever happened, BUT I still feel anxious about it whenever I have to tell someone else. Has someone been through this?
I certainly understand and can sympathize with your anxiety about this issue. In fact fear of my male friends not accepting me was what partly kept me in the closet for so long. The past few months I have been coming out to almost everyone, but there is a close male friend of mine that I've had for many years now and we don't hang out that often. A couple weeks ago we did hang out and I was kind of getting ready to tell him I'm gay, but I didn't end up doing it because I was feeling a little worn out from coming out in general and no opportunity to do it really came up. In the end, though, as I'm sure you've heard before, if a friend can't accept you for who you are then it is probably not a friend worth keeping in the long run. I too have experienced my male friends and relatives being very accepting of me when I have told them, but the anxiety about coming out never fully goes away.
I think it’s perfectly normal to fear that a friend will no longer want to be around you when they discover you’re gay. Despite this fear being normal, it usually isn’t rational. In your case, it looks like the odds are all stacked in your favor. You yourself say that he has other gay friends – what proof do you have that he won’t accept you just like he accepted all of them? Why would he treat you differently than them? Do you have any reasonable evidence to come to that conclusion? Anytime you’re afraid about how someone is going to react to something, I think it’s always helpful to take a pause and ask yourself whether or not that fear can be supported with facts. Try taking out a piece of paper and separating it into two columns. Label one side “He Will Reject Me” and label the other side “He Will Accept Me”. Then, in each column, start listing out all the reasons to that support that statement. Try to stick with facts – i.e., behaviors he has exhibited towards you and others, other relationships he has, what he says about other gay people, etc. Once you can get this out of your head and objectively look at it on paper, you may find that your fear has no legs that can support it!
If a person has gay friends it seems highly unlikely that you would be rejected for being one. My concern with my friends is not that I would be rejected but rather how would it alter our friendship. I'm physically close to some of my friends and it's non-awkward now. I fear this would change if they feel that there is even a slight chance that I might be into them in any other way than a straight friend. Like if I hug or spoon them they might fear that I'm doing it in sexual manner which might make them feel uncomfortable.
Thank you guys... But yeah that's pretty much the problem, not the rejection, but the anxiety that comes out of the friendship. Like sometimes I hit them, or hug them, or push them, or just sit next to them and our legs touch, and I am overridden with anxiety...
I second Eulers advice as he will have no problem accepting you. My best friend is the same he has many gay friends. So don't worry and do it when you feel like it's right and when you are ready. Good Luck, Gay1234
You know, I read somewhere that even when they are in the closet, LGBT kids will often make friends with more tolerant straight people. I kind of feel that was the case with me as many of my closest school friends later became very vocal in support of gay marriage. Anxiety is best dealt with directly, so you might try to think of ways you can inform others of your sexuality earlier on. After that, don't feel like you're apologizing for normal behaviors. Remember not everything is about orientation, and you may spend a long time not even talking about dating/sex.
