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Guys stop talking to me once they find out I've never been with a dude before?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bounced, Jan 24, 2016.

  1. bounced

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    Over the past 6 months I have accepted the fact that I am gay and have gotten to the point where I am ready to start getting involved with guys sexually. I matched with a few guys and ended up meeting up with one, he was really surprised I had never been with a guy before and seemed to be understanding about it. In the end all we did was kiss and I told him I wanted to meet up again and he seemed really interested too. A couple days later I contacted him again and he took ages to reply and basically said he couldn't that day. I messaged him again and he never responded.

    I matched a guy a week ago and was talking to him for a few days. I liked him and was really attracted to him and he seemed really into talking to me. The other night he asked to meet up, unfortunately I couldn't but we started talking quite sexually and I told him I had never been with a guy before. As soon as I told him he just wrote 'seriously... wow' and then blocked me immediately.

    I was pretty dissapointed because I actually did want to get together with him. I was really attracted to him. This has happened several times now while talking to guys I've matched with. As soon as I tell them I'm not out and inexperienced they stop replying or unmatch me all together.

    How am I supposed to meet guys and get experience if they can't be bothered getting with someone who has never done it before? I'm pretty disillusioned right now... does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. AKTodd

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    Well, I can try...

    As far the guys you're encountering now - from what you've described, I gather you're interacting with them via some kind of app. While I've never used the apps, from what I gather most of them are focused on hookups and tend to promote a very 'functional' approach to other people (a problem that is found on lots of online things IMO, but that's another story). Basically, if you're not exactly what they are looking for in every detail, they are going to pass on you. And since they are just looking to get off with another guy, they aren't interested in teaching a newbie the ropes (so to speak) right then. Plus, IMO, the apps promote a mindset of 'maybe the next one will be even better' that just keeps repeating and ultimately ends with a lot of guys never getting what they want because they waste all their time imagining/wondering about what they haven't seen yet.

    On a more charitable note - it's possible that they are concerned that you might freak out about actually doing something with a guy in the middle of having sex and try to hurt them. Or they are simply lacking in the self-confidence to feel up to showing a new guy how to get it on.

    Anyway, you asked for advice, so let's move on to that. Since I don't know exactly what you're looking for here, beyond sexual experience with a guy, I'm going to list a bunch of things, and start from the more 'functional' options that focus on just getting NSA sex and then move into those where more interaction with someone as a person is involved. At least as I see it. YMMV:

    1) Tweak your 'resume' on the apps - Meaning, either don't bother mentioning your lack of experience at all or play it down. Rather than saying you've never done anything with a guy, say something like 'I'm pretty new to this, but I'm willing to learn' or 'I'm pretty new at this, but I'm a fast learner' or something along those lines. It may or may not work any better, but it might help.

    2) Go to a gay bar - Gay bars can also foster a highly 'functional' approach to people, but they include a level of direct human interaction that the apps do not. In other words, a potential sex partner isn't just limited to some pics/a profile/texting with you, but can check out your face and body right in front of them while actually talking to you in real time and getting some kind of read on your personality (at least a little bit). Note that you can be doing the same with them. Taken together, these factors may override any reticence about needing to show you how to do stuff (some guys will even find that opportunity exciting) and any concerns about you being a stalker or wigging out and trying to bash them right after you've had an orgasm or something. Note that the 'putting a positive spin on your resume' approach mentioned above can also apply here. Mind your drink, know your boundaries and be honest about them, and expect any potential partners to respect them. And bring your own condoms (always, no matter what - practice safe sex).

    You may also find that you like the socialization factor that can be found in (some) bars or even make some friends along the way - while that doesn't lead directly to sex, it can lead to some good times, maybe help with eventually coming out, and is a networking opportunity that could lead to you meeting someone who will either be happy to be your first time or who you hit it off with more than just sexually.

    3) Change to a different class of apps or to a dating site(s) that promote a more human (and humane) level of interaction and getting to know people. This starts moving you beyond the level of just hooking up into the realm of potential relationships, which I'm not sure you want, but it is an option. After getting to know each other more as people, your lack of experience may not be seen as a factor because they like you as a person and eventually you may both find it quite natural to become intimate with each other - and they can show you stuff.

    4) Move into a more social realm of getting to know people in the real world, such that you eventually meet someone who you like and who likes you back such that you eventually become sexually intimate and they either show you what to do as part of making love to you or you both learn from each other together (since they might also be inexperienced, but neither of you will care). Options in this area include:

    a) Visiting your local LGBT center and seeing what groups, activities, or events they having going on or can point you at. Possibly consider volunteering.

    b) Joining an LGBT sports team/league (assuming you play sports or are interested in learning). Most big cities have some number of these ranging from bowling, to running, to soccer and rugby or even ice hockey.

    c) Check out Meetup.com. Assuming you are in Sydney, Australia, I did a quick check of their website and there are about 54 Meetup groups in or around Sydney. I didn't look more closely than that, but you might check them out and see if any of them look interesting/appealing.

    d) See if your area has a chapter of Gay Men's Chorus - assuming you like to sing.

    e) If you are of a spiritual turn of mind, look into any LGBT friendly churches in your area. The Episcopalians and Unitarian Universalists have a reputation for being LGBT friendly, but there are certainly others.

    f) Volunteer with some social or political group that is known for being LGBT friendly.

    Virtually all of these last options are going to involve a certain amount of being out and about in public, which may or may not be something you are ready for just yet - but they may also involve a lot of fun and good experiences beyond just having sex, make you some new friends, and possibly result in meeting someone you develop feelings for, which could result in a relationship and all that brings with it.

    Best of luck and hope this helps,

    Todd:thumbsup:
     
  3. Cort

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    Why not hold off on disclosing the fact that you haven’t been with a guy before until you get to know the person you’re dating a little bit better? At least wait until you’ve had a few dates, perhaps?

    Chances are that if someone has the chance to get to know you a little bit, they won’t react so brashly to the fact that you’ve never been with a guy before.

    There are other ways you can ensure that things move slowly without having to come out and say this it is your first time. You can just say that you’re not interested in quick casual hookups and would like to get to know each other a little bit better before things get too serious.

    Just a thought.
     
  4. Chip

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    I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Gay men can be complete dicks, but the truth is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced; everyone was at one point or naother, and there are quite a few people out there like yourself who have come out late and haven't had the opportunity to connect sexually with others. In fact... there are a lot of people who would much rather be with someone who has little or no experience than with someone who has been highly promiscuous.

    Quite honestly, you're pretty unlikely to find someone who is thoughtful and considerate of your circumstance on one of the apps (or, for that matter, in a club or bar), because those environments are overwhelmingly focused on hookups.

    I concur with AKTodd on his suggestions for meeting people. When the things that bring people together are focused on common activities, rather than on hooking up, you're a lot more likely to find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and not judge your sexual experience or lack therof.
     
  5. AAASAS

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    Doesn't make sense to me, I' see a virgin as a bonus(no chance of STI)

    Sex also is easy as fuck, you rub some stuff.... that's about it. So you don't have a problem, and I mean that.
     
  6. bookreader

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    Well, those guys you described are total dicks. I agree with Todd and go meet people with common interests. You'll most likely find a guy, who knows?
     
  7. Chromedome

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    Guys like that are obviously look for someone with experience so they can have some freaky ass sex with you like you some new sex toy. If they are so petty they aren't worth it:dry:.What guy wouldn't love to get together with a virgin?
    Benefits: he's much less likely to have an std,less likely to try to push me towards doing freaky things, and it's really cool to experiment and teach a guy a thing or two about sex(*hug*).
     
  8. resu

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    It really depends on the app. When I finally started to come out in real life, I avoided the apps notorious for hookups and chose one which purported to have a sophisticated matching algorithm. In the process, I have found quite a number of like-minded guys, some of whom I have befriended. And, there are definitely guys out there who see inexperience as a positive, a teachable moment, lol! The thing is, you have to wade through a lot of dead-ends before things start to go well.
     
  9. Aof

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    I think "I'm not out at all", "As soon as I tell them I'm not out..." is what make them run away if we are talking about finding someone to start a relationship. But for the hook up it pretty much come down to look, good looking, they treat you like juicy meat, bad looking, they will treat you like a piece of shit and block and ignore you (most of them are like that.) You just have to get use to it. I don't know what you are using to find those guys, if it is a hookup apps then most of them gonna run if you show more interest than just hookup.
     
    #9 Aof, Jan 27, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2016
  10. SemiCharmedLife

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    When I first came out and started online dating, I put that I was newly out. At age 26 I knew that would scare off a lot of guys, but I figured better to put it on my profile and leave it there for people to see than to have someone be surprised later on. I ended up finding a guy who's 4 years older than me but also didn't come out until his late 20s, and we've been dating for over a year and a half.