Caught Feelings

I am crushed. And I don't fully know why. I don't know if I'm seeking advice or opinions, though they're welcome, but I just need to write this down. Bit of background: I'm gay, my close friends know, but the people talked about below don't (as far as I know).

So I'm 17 and in an all boy school and have therefore had my fair share of straight crushes. All of them were entirely physical and ended after I got to know the person - they all turned out to be immature - and of course, straight - twats. But my latest crush was a stray from the norm. I've known him for a year, through mutual friends, but it was only in the last few months that I began feeling attracted towards him. Nothing major, in fact, assuming he was straight, I made a point not to fall for him.

However, every time I bumped into him he was really friendly and one day I get a FaceBook invite to his 18th birthday. Now we didn't know each other besides the odd bit of small talk we'd make whenever we'd see each other so I found this a bit random, I assume it was because of our mutual friend but a part of me wanted to believe that there may have been some attraction. Anyway, I went to it and it was really fun. We talked a bit but again, with all the people, we barely made it passed small talk but I ended up getting his snapchat. Now I heard him mentioning an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, so this fairly knocked my thoughts of him being gay out of the park. This didn't phase me though as I hadn't caught feelings for him yet. That was all to come.

So he snaps me a week later and it turned into a nice conversation. Lasted an hour and I ended it when he snapped me in a pub, telling him to enjoy the night. I snapped a few days later and we ended up snapping until 1 in the morning. We ended up having so many interests in common and he recommended Sons of Anarchy to me saying that he cried loads while watching it and when he started snapping himself with his guitar I asked him to play for me and he played a bit of "Love Yourself" and "I See Fire". Needless to say, I've completely fallen for him. I started hoping - which is dangerous - that he's bisexual, but I have no way of knowing. So he ended that convo saying he had to go to bed.

Today I snapped him again. I've been wrecking my own head since our last conversation because I'm so afraid of falling for a straight guy. It's so heartbreaking to know that it's impossible for someone to requite your feelings. It's horrible. So stupidly, I began overthinking things and being insecure but I snapped him today saying "plans got cancelled, wtf to do now?" seeing how he'd react. That was at midday and he hadn't opened the snap by 5 and stupidly or unstupidly I half assumed he wasn't interested and at that stage, put my phone upstairs to charge. At half seven I look at it to see he replied almost straight after I put it upstairs asking if I was around town. With school tomorrow I knew he'd already be home at that stage and I was/am infinitely pissed off at myself.

I still don't know if he's being really friendly or if he's interested (opinions?) but I missed an opportunity to meet up in person and I'm kicking myself over here. He snapped a pic of him and our mutual friend together afterwards so it would've been a group thing. Anyway I replied being like "shit, no. Ended up watching sons of anarchy, it's unreal", a few meaningless snaps in between before I said that I had to go study (pfff).

I'm really upset that I missed this opportunity and I'm half thinking that if it was a romantic thing, he'd be 'done' with it at this stage because if we assumed that he is intact bisexual and attracted towards me, he still wouldn't know for sure if I was gay or not, and though I was mildly flirty, I was subtle about it incase he is just friendly and straight. I kind of pushed him away with the study thing, I don't know why, I suppose it could be a slight fear that I'm 'bothering him' and that I'm really annoyed at myself. I'm stuck between two things now, should I protect myself from further hurt by assuming he's straight and distancing myself from him or should I stick my neck out in the hopes of a really great relationship? :tears:

Thanks to anyone who reads this bloody essay. I seriously just needed to write it down because I can't sleep. xox